The Intelligent Consumer: FANDANGO

It's been rather a trying week. After my little pampering session, which gave me renewed confidence, I thought I'd better try to sort out my winter wardrobe, as it's getting rather nippy and I'm still wearing my summer clothes. I wiped the dust from my Louis Vuitton trunk (yeah, right), unlocked it and started to pull out the pieces that would see me through the winter. Problem is, everything is too small - I seem to have expanded during the summer. Oh well, best go shopping. Er no, not possible as I'm strapped for cash. Best go on a diet. How depressing. People keep saying: "Look at you you're skinny, you don't need to diet" Okay, I may be, but I don't fit into any of my clothes, I have no other option. So, my week has been an endless round of lettuce leaves, cucumber and celery - what a drag. Anyway, I haven't lost any weight because I have now developed an obsession with food, and clothes for that matter.

I've been inundated with info on jumpers and cardis - still it is winter. Clements Ribeiro have come up trumps again with their grey, merino-wool wrap cardigan, for pounds 85. Perfect if want to hide your backside, but be careful, this shape doesn't do much for the wide-hip brigade, of which I am a member. If you have a bit more cash and fancy the feel of cashmere next to your skin, there's this snazzy tartan, rose-print twinset by Scotch House, from pounds 215 (above). Not happy to make one fashion statement, The Scotch House has mixed elegant flowers with traditional tartan checks, both of which are incredibly fashionable this winter. (If you believe that, you'll believe anything - it looks nice though.) Not forgetting John Smedley, who have captured the schoolgirl look with their classic merino-wool V-neck, pounds 78, in four different shades - midnight blue, berry, charcoal grey and parchment (above).

This winter, we're meant to be wearing the stiletto boot. Well I've found something much more appealing. Instead of being laughed at for getting yourself stuck in the cracks of paving stones, I decided that if people are going to snigger, well I'll give them something to snigger at.

The Jety boot by Swear is a long-haired furry boot (above) similar to the ones Pamela Anderson wears with her bikini. They cost pounds 80 and come in acid green, pink, blue, orange, green black and white. Perfect to finish off the yetty look this autumn. Swear are at 61 Neal Street, London WC2, 0171 240 5313.

Apparently footballers are the new designer accessory. Oh, really. Just because Posh Spice is dating David Beckam and Ulrika is with Stan Collymore, does this mean it's a new trend? I don't think so. Anyway, before you decide to hang out at the local ground hoping to find the next Stan Collymore, I can tell you from my own experience the pros and the cons of going out with a footy boy. The pros are: a) most earn rather a lot of dosh and if you are the kind of girl with pound signs in your eyes (I'm not, of course) you'll be okay; b) they never go out on a Friday night, Christmas Day or New Year's Eve as they usually play the next day - so you're free to go out with your mates; c) they have incredibly fit bodies (but be prepared to nurse them back to health after hamstring/ankle/ groin-strain injuries). The cons are: a) when they do go out they frequent those dreadful clubs, like Emporium and Stringfellows; b) they order endless bottles of champers, referring to Dom Perignon as DP; c) their houses are usually brand new, decorated with matching curtains and borders, not forgetting the white pillars and gravel drive; d) they're fantastic at spitting long distances; e) guaranteed they choose the worst items of clothing from designer boutiques normally teaming it with an ill-fitting double breasted suit. Proof that money can't buy you taste. Sorry guys, looks like the bad far outways the good, I'm afraid.

The other day, a friend said to me, "If grey is the new black, what's happened to brown, last year's new black, and where does that leave navy blue?" Who cares, I replied. Next year, black will be the new black. See Style Police, page 8.