Remember: some kids do kill themselves : DILEMMAS

This week's problem: Pat was shocked to hear, via a friend, that her 15-year-old daughter, Suzi, was so upset by bullying at her school that she was considering suicide. She knew that Suzi was being teased and sent to Coventry, but when told, the school's reaction was feeble. Her husband says bullying is part of school life, and Pat feels Suzi can't leave as she's doing GCSEs next summer. When asked what's wrong, Suzi replies "Nothing", and cries in her room.

Suicidal feelings are as much a part of adolescence as spots. But the awful truth is that some kids do kill themselves: only last week a 13-year-old was found dead after a row with a schoolfriend. So Pat has to take extremely seriously the message she's heard about her daughter.

First she must talk to Suzi. Kindly questions such as: "What's the matter?", which Suzi easily answers with the word "Nothing", end any kind of communication. A more positive line must be employed.

"Look, I know you're miserable, indeed from the way you act I wouldn't be surprised if the thought of killing yourself hadn't crossed your mind. I can tell just by the way you are, so there's no point in denying it. My heart is breaking for you. Now, what's it about?" is a far better approach. For then, to dodge the issue, Suzi has to make a positive denial of her feelings, which is highly unlikely.

Pat already knows about the bullying. Bullying by girls, usually a matter of ridicule or no-speaks, is particularly cruel as it leaves no tell-tale bruises. It's also extremely difficult for a school to identify or deal with, since it isn't always obvious. But it doesn't mean that a teacher shouldn't talk to the culprits one at a time - but only if Suzi wants her mother to pursue that line.

Like all bullied victims, Suzi almost certainly feels she deserves her punishment in some way. She also feels powerless. So power must be doled out to her in spadefuls. Pat could say to her: "If you're not happy, we'll get you into another school. Sod the GCSEs. You'll miss a year. But so what?" Often this support in itself, the knowledge that a child could choose to leave the situation if she wished, makes her more confident and less vulnerable to the taunts. At the back of her mind she knows she could escape if she wished. Immediately, the taunts lose their sting.

Young girls are under far more stress than they were in the past. While still only children, they're faced with decisions about drugs, sex, boyfriends, contraception, as well as the stress of the changing structure of gangs at school. If Suzi has any sympathetic schoolfriends, now's the time for Pat to ring up their parents and enlist their support in asking Suzi over.

Without help, there are only two likely outcomes. Very poor GCSE results and an emotionally battered child (bullying can cause lasting emotional damage); or, at very worst, no GCSEs at all and a funeral.

For helpful leaflets and an information pack on bullying, send two first-class stamps and an sae to Kidscape, 152 Buckingham Palace Road, London, SW1W 9TR.

The guilty parent of the bullied child

If your teenage daughter is crying alone in her room, she is very unhappy - please try to help her.

When my daughter complained of bullying I sympathised and gave her advice. When she continued to complain I wrote to the school.

I was told it would be dealt with. I was told there was a problem with my daughter and the girl she claimed was bullying her - that both were causing the trouble. I believed the school's version.

My God, I wish I had trusted my daughter more.

One afternoon my daughter failed to come home from school. Finally, her friend's mum brought her home.

This kind woman had cleaned my daughter up but couldn't hide her cuts, bruises, tears and swollen, bloody face. The other girl and her friends had thrown my daughter into a muddy puddle and beaten and kicked her almost unconscious.

When I reported this to the school I was finally told the truth. The "bully" was a girl who had very many problems. She had a history of choosing one victim at a time to harass and terrorise.

The advice the school gave me was to have this girl charged by the police. But I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I still feel guilty, 10 years later, that I didn't interfere more strongly. I still can't forgive those at the school who deliberately misled me because they couldn't deal with a particularly difficult child. I still feel sorry for that girl, and feel the school let her down, as it did my daughter.

The sight of my daughter that afternoon haunts me - that was the physical manifestation of the pain and terror she had been going through for months. Do something.

Elaine Murray, Edinburgh

The daughter who coped alone

I became very depressed during my A-levels, not through bullying but through pressure of work, and I was convinced I was having a mental breakdown and would end up in an asylum. I spent hours in my room crying, pretending I was working. My parents knew I was having a rough time but when they asked if everything was OK or if there was anything they could do, I muttered that I had a lot of work and escaped. I didn't think they could help me - I couldn't bear to admit my "failure" to them - and I wanted to be left alone.

The only reason I didn't kill myself was because I knew my parents would be devastated and I couldn't bear to hurt them that much. Although I didn't let them help me in any practical way and pushed them away when they tried to comfort me, knowing that they would have done anything they could to make me happy kept me alive long enough to sort my life out.

If Suzi does not feel she can accept Pat's help, then Pat cannot help her, but help is not the same as support, and support is everything. I know my parents feel a bit guilty even now for "not doing enough" but really they were fabulous: I just had to deal with it in my own way.

Anon, London

The mother who got involved

Some while ago, my daughter began to suffer sleeplessness at night, unwillingness to go to school, cold sores in her nose and, above all, silence. Repeated visits to the school uncovered nothing. I was at my wits' end until, one night, my daughter finally spilt the beans.

She had been subjected to cruel bullying, which had used every psychological trick in the book, including "If you tell anyone, we'll make it worse for you." My daughter wept as she told me what she had been going through. The poor thing was terrified.

Pat, talk to your daughter. Cuddle her when she cries, get her to discuss her problems with you. You will probably find that your daughter's friend will corroborate her story. You must then go to the school and insist on action.

In our case the problem was solved by a very sympathetic teacher who discussed bullying with the perpetrators. It seemed that they, too, had many problems.

It took my daughter a while to recover her confidence, but now she is firing on all cylinders and has regained her happy composure.

Anon, Belgium

N E X T W E E K' S

D I L E M M A

Dear Virginia,

I survived being 30, I survived being 40, but next month I'm going to be 50. Even though I look remarkably young - miniskirts, good legs and virtually unlined face - suddenly I'm well and truly middle-aged.

When I suggested a party my husband, who's 55 but is rarely asked his age, was incredibly reluctant to go along with it. He said: "Why tell everyone what age you are when you look so much younger? Fifty's the time to start lying." I've never lied about my age, but I could always avoid answering directly. Does anyone else have any advice about fudging the age figures? I'm nervous, both about lying and, frankly, admitting the truth.

Yours sincerely, Diana

All comments welcome, and everyone quoted will be sent a Dynagrip 50 ballpen from Paper:Mate. Please send any relevant personal experiences or comments to me at the Features Department, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London, E14 5DL; fax 0171-293 2182, by Tuesday morning. If you have any dilemmas of your own, let me know.