Real Bodies: Aunty Ag Uncle Ony

Two heads are better than one. Aunty Ag and Uncle Ony suggest ways to occupy guests when there's something good on TV, and how to deal with other people's kids

FEAR OF FLYING

The other day a friend came round to visit with her little boy, who is three. He made a bee-line for my Christmas cactus. I waited politely for a few minutes to let my friend restrain him but she didn't, so I asked him to stop. He paused momentarily but then went straight back to picking my poor plant apart! I yanked him away from the pot and told him to leave it alone in no uncertain terms, which caused him to howl. His mother stiffly said that she preferred reasoning to shouting, and left, with a rather cool farewell, shortly after.

LM, Sheffield

Aunty Ag: The childless should avoid encouraging those with children to drop by: far better to visit those with kiddies in their own home. There are two reasons for this. The first is that the parents' home is already a wreck, smeared with goo and utterly destroyed up to several feet above ground level, depending on the height of the child. (Also, anything that has been salvaged from the general maelstrom is safely fixed on high shelves.) The second reason is that parents go through a weird de-sensitising process - they have to or the poor things would go mad. Unless it endangers the child, in which case they move at the speed of light, they simply don't register any abnoxious activity their child indulges in. If all else fails and a child must be distracted immediately from some vile course of action, talking to it sweetly while administering a swift pinch on the back of the hand using the knuckles rather than the fingertips is extraordinarily painful but causes no long-term damage and leaves no tell-tale marks.

Uncle Ony: I sense that as well as a self-righteousness which is rapidly diminishing, you feel a welling sense of guilt at having upset your friend and shouted at her son. In future, if parents are tardy in their reprimands, offer a verbal cue along the lines of "Look what little Johnny's doing! I'm sure that can't be doing my plant any good!" which should spur them into action. Do remember it's not little Johnny's fault if he does something you don't like: at home, it may be quite normal for him to pull houseplants apart, so don't ever vent your wrath on the child himself.

Is it okay to watch telly when you have guests?

Richard, via e-mail

Aunty Ag: You shouldn't impose your desire never to miss a single episode of (say) EastEnders on any hapless invitee who happens to be in the room when it's on, but telly is fine if your guests have been specifically asked round to share an episode of, say, Sex and the City (and have a good laugh over it with you).

Uncle Ony: No it is not. No wonder conversation is a dying art. When you have guests you should focus on them exclusively. If a television is switched on it's impossible not to look at it. Stick to discreet background music.

I am married, in my mid-thirties and three months ago I started an affair. My lover is also married. The problem is meeting up - it's really difficult to find anywhere discreet. Anyway, I had the idea of renting a small flat and I found one via an agency. We now see each other there a couple of times a week. The problem is the neighbour downstairs. He pops out and makes suggestive comments whenever I let myself in - he has obviously worked out what we're up to. He is doing the same to my lover, and we both find this distressing and embarrassing. How can I shut him up?

Dave, via e-mail

Auntie Ag: In the current property market, renting just doesn't make sense. Some fixed rates are now ridiculously low, with no penalty for early redemption. Building societies are offering percentage cashbacks or fixed lump sums, whichever is higher. Buying a small hideaway somewhere convenient would be such a nice little investment (of course make sure it's in your name, not joint). When you get it, print up some neat little notice on your computer, identifying it as the New Age Seminar Centre or the Groovy Therapy Rooms or somesuch and this will provide a perfect reason why you use it by the hour.

Uncle Ony: You may not realise it but your obnoxious neighbour is doing you a favour. He is underlining that what you are doing is wrong. He makes you feel distressed and embarrassed. And distressed and embarrassed is how you jolly well should feel. You are both behaving extremely sleazily. Stop it at once.