Reader dilemma: Is my boyfriend's interest in the occult following his mother's death a sign of mental illness?

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a couple of years, but the problem is that, since his mother died, he’s suddenly taken an interest in the occult. He wants me to try out a Ouija board, and spends his time looking at websites that go on about conspiracy theories. He works, but he’s increasing disparaging about his colleagues, who used to be friends, saying they’re not ‘aware’. I don’t have any time for all this, so it makes things rather difficult. I do love him, but do you think it’s a sign of mental illness?

Yours sincerely, Adrianne

If you hadn’t mentioned anything about his mother, I’d definitely start to feel extremely worried about your boyfriend. It would appear to me to be the start of a mild paranoia, and once that gets a grip, of course, nothing is sacred. As soon as you show a smidgeon of scepticism about the ideas, you are then labelled as one of “them”, and if his obsession were to escalate further, I think you would find yourselves growing further and further apart, however much you cared for each other. It’s certainly a very bad sign that he’s beginning to become estranged from his colleagues at work.

It could work, of course – couples in which one is a believer in the Bible and goes to church and the other is an atheist do exist and seem to survive, though I find it hard to comprehend, but presumably the believer is not banging on about it the whole time in the way that conspiracy theorists usually are, 24 hours a day.

Shared beliefs, or beliefs along vaguely the same lines at least, are all part of the glue that holds a couple together, and since you’ve only been together two years, apparently have no children and aren’t married, then I can see that this obsession, if it continues, would eventually drive a wedge between you. I remember my own relief when a close friend declared that he had realised that all conspiracy theories were absolute nonsense… until he followed it up by saying that he now realised that all these theories were actually put out by the Government deliberately to scare us.

In this case, however, I feel sure that your boyfriend’s interest has been triggered by the death of his mother. He is first of all trying to contact her through a Ouija board, and then, by getting sucked into the conspiratorial web, trying to find some meaning to a life that, because of her death, he feels has lost all meaning whatsoever. If his mother has died, where has she gone? As the great comedian Dan Leno used to say: “Ah, what is a man? Wherefore does he why? Whence does he whence? Whither is her withering?”

If you can guide your boyfriend to a grief counsellor, he’d be far better off than looking to the supernatural for answers – although even the sanest of people have found comfort from consulting spiritualists, who often just reassure them that their dead relatives are happy and still love them, which seems harmless enough and can offer great solace.

But if your boyfriend can’t be weaned off these ideas even after six months or so, I’m afraid you may have to consider that he is changing into someone who is not the same person you got together with originally. And perhaps it’s time to go your separate ways.

This nearly destroyed us

I most urgently suggest you consider this man as someone who’s seeking an excuse to avoid the real world. My husband consulted clairvoyants on a regular basis. Acting on his own interpretation of what they were advising, he behaved in ways that he thought would achieve this. He lost interest in his career as a solicitor, made a series of bad mistakes, and was asked to resign. He remortgaged our home, which we lost. He borrowed money from friends and family, which was never repaid. He ran up huge credit card debts, which our families had to honour. We then lived for 10 years out of suitcases, renting properties. We even lived in France for a while. Our family life was utterly ruined and our daughters suffered a disrupted education and great hardship. As well as the financial cost, his refusal to face reality meant that his personality became increasingly volatile and mentally disturbed. I had believed in him and been loyal but I eventually left him to build my own life and that of my daughters. He is still consulting clairvoyants, still believing in his dream of restitution and compensation for the imagined wrongs inflicted on him.

name and address supplied

Don’t get drawn in

Your boyfriend is showing signs of stress or depression, probably brought about by his bereavement, and you need to get him to seek psychiatric help as soon as possible. As you love him, do support him, but do not participate in any misguided activities with him, so keep him away from the Ouija board, which is a source of serious problems. As isolation fuels conditions like his, ensure that he keeps up contact with friends. The best way is to lead him through the valley of darkness that is depression by giving him loving support. Good luck.

Francis Beswick

Stretford

It’s his way of grieving

Your boyfriend is clearly feeling the loss of his mother and is anxious that she is at peace. His fascination with the Ouija board suggests that he is trying desperately to make contact with her “on the other side” and he would not be the first. Most people reject this form of spiritualism as nonsense, and some would say it is dangerous nonsense. It may be that in time he will stop mourning and come to see sense, but if not, try to persuade him to have some form of counselling. Be patient, but if his behaviour becomes very difficult and his obsession remains for several months, you may have to consider ending your relationship.

Don Manley

Oxford

I’m about to retire from the Civil Service, and wrestling with my conscience. My mother, now 86, lives alone just outside London – I’m in Hastings – and suffers terribly with arthritis, despite the doctors’ best efforts. My sister lives in Scotland, but my brother, who lives nearer, does pop in a couple of times a week. Also, nurses come three times a day. I visit once a fortnight. My mother couldn’t live in my tall, narrow house, so should I go and live with her? I’d hate to lose my friends and social life here. But she’s always been good to me. What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Michael

What would you advise Michael to do? To answer this dilemma, or to share your own problem, write to dilemmas@independent.co.uk, including your address. Anyone whose advice is quoted or whose dilemma is published will receive a Finest Bean Mini Bar Gift Pack from Prestat (prestat.co.uk).