My friends earn more than me – how do I tell them I can’t afford our plans?
Would you really judge your friends if they earned less than you?
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Your support makes all the difference.When you start adulting, making advances in your career and inevitably stop being “wage mates” with your friends, it can sometimes put a strain on your platonic relationships, especially when deciding how and where you socialise.
So what should you do if your friends earn more than you, and you can’t afford to attend plans?
Rajan Lakhani, personal finance expert at smart money app Plum says: “There’s no denying that money can be a bit of a taboo topic among friends. People often feel awkward discussing it, whatever their circumstances.
“However, if you aren’t able to be open about your circumstances, you’re not taking charge of the situation and could potentially spend more than you can afford. So it’s really important to be upfront if you’re worried about upcoming plans.
“The good thing is it seems people are becoming more accepting and understanding, especially given the current cost-of-living challenges. It can be helpful to think about solutions to the problem; for example, sourcing a cheaper restaurant, or offering to host at your house rather than going out, rather than expecting your friend to provide new options. Consider free activities too: Secret London’s list of 200 free things to do in London is a fantastic place to start.
“Remember, a true friend should want to spend time with you whatever you are doing. So try and foster a culture of openness and understanding when it comes to your finances.”
How might someone feel if they earn a lot less than their friends?
Lakhani explains that our financial circumstances can often contribute to our sense of worth, which makes people worry that they will be treated differently based on their financial situation.
“No one wants to feel judged, but it’s important to put yourself in your friends’ shoes. Would you really judge your friends if they earned less than you? We are often harsher on ourselves than we would ever be on our friends. Be kind to yourself, as you would be with a friend, and they will likely treat you the same way!”
Why is it important not to feel pressured to spend money you don’t have to keep up with friends?
“A sure way to give yourself financial stress is by losing control over your spending. That could mean using credit more or going into your overdraft, which can come with high interest charges making your financial situation worse,” says Lakhani.
“Remember, it is you who will live with the consequences of overspending, not your friends, so make decisions based on your own best interests.”
How should you approach the conversation?
“Making plans with friends should be a two-way conversation so you can find an activity that suits everyone. It’s important to engage from the start and help with the planning process, respectfully raising any worries that you have early on so there aren’t any surprises later,” says Lakhani.
“There’s no need to be defensive; aim to be open-minded and collaborative about finding a solution that suits all parties. Being upfront about your situation can also benefit your relationships in the long run and help you feel less alone.”
What to do if the response isn’t supportive or helpful?
“Your friend might understandably be a little disappointed if the original plans don’t work out. But you should be respected for being open and honest about your situation,” says Lakhani.
“If your friends aren’t supportive, it’s worth asking more questions to find out what the problem is, as it is likely something to do with them rather than anything you have done.”
How can friends compromise with each other?
“All relationships have a degree of compromise, and friendships are no different in that regard. If your friends are really keen to splash out on an activity, you can agree to set a date in the future which gives you enough time to save up money,” says Lakhani.