Meet the brand new me

Would you believe it? Marla Maples Trump, she of the blazing blonde tresses, perma-smile and waspish husband Donald, has done a Mr Benn - walked into the changing room of life as a piece of expendable arm candy, and emerged a new woman. For not only has Marla pulled off a creditable performance in the hit cult film Happiness, but she's tamed that bouffant, got rid of Donald and given herself a real shot at credibility. Wait six months, and Marla will no doubt delight us with a self-help book on the subject. But for those who need to turn their lives around right now, here's a quick step-by-step guide to reinvention.

Be consistent

This is the golden rule for those who want a second bite at the cherry. Do not follow the example of Pamela Anderson Lee. Having recently ditched the rubber dresses, filed for divorce from the slathering Tommy Lee and decided that bigger is not always best (her breasts have been surgically reduced to a B cup), Pammy was recently on the road to Hollywood respectability. she herself claimed that better roles were starting to come her way (the sort where you're allowed to keep your clothes on). Enter one Tommy Lee, eyes fixed beadily on said B cups. "He loves them!" squeals our heroine girlishly, as the lovers kiss and make up, oblivious to the gurgle of Pammy's career going straight down the pan.

Get a haircut

The trials of being a babe. British actress Catherine McCormack just couldn't bear any more attention after playing Mel Gibson's wife in Braveheart, and, fearing being typecast as "the gorgeous one with the long dark hair" in further Oscar-winning films, very cleverly chopped the whole lot off. You probably saw her in The Land Girls last year. No? What about The Honest Courtesan? But a decent haircut can work wonders. Think Sharon Stone. Anna Friel. Natalie Imbruglia. And of course, Marla herself, now sporting a chic bob.

Hire a decent photographer

Ah, Sharleen! How you've changed! A fruitful meeting with one Juergen Teller, architect of edgy Jigsaw campaigns and endless grungy fashion shoots, and Texas's lead singer has gone from androgynous sulker to sex kitten. For those of you who can't afford an A-list snapper, simply employ someone who can work Photoshop on the computer instead. A big warm welcome to Gail Porter who has become a nipple-free zone, thanks to some imaginative computer work from FHM.

Tone it down

If you want to make it big in time for the new millennium, take that lipstick off now and follow Glenda Jackson's example. No sooner had Glenda decided that being an actress wasn't much cop and set her heart on being a politician, than she kicked her Max Factor beauty box into touch with the dexterity of rugby international Neil Jenkins (now there's a boy in need of a makeover). Now she's a minister, Glenda will be delighted to have made an impact on one Geri Halliwell, who has followed her example. Goodbye Spice Girls, hello United Nations! Geri, however, has managed to ruin the impact of her elegant makeover by not appreciating her own limitations. Yes Geri, pro-life does mean anti-abortion.

Flick-flack your career

Prove yourself both versatile and ironic by doing the opposite of what's expected of you. Well done to Sinead O'Connor who, having publicly ripped up a picture of the Pope and railed against the Church for years, has grabbed a rogue bishop, a dog collar and - hail Mary! - has been ordained a priest. "If you don't like it, f--- off!" says the latest Lord's envoy. A warm hand also to Gary Barlow, once blandest man in pop, now looking menacing and hurt in the Sun as he slags off Robbie Williams. Grrrrr!

Disappear for five years

Lisa who? Lisa Stansfield. She's been round the world, ditched the singing career and has popped up from nowhere in a new film starring that fit bloke from The Full Monty. It's called Swing, and Lisa's not 'alf bad in it either. Most amazing recovery, however, must go to Martin Kemp. He's played the reinvention game to perfection. Post-Spandau Ballet, he has kept his head down for several embarrassed years, quietly burning his collection of ruffled shirts and playing happy families with Shirley and kids. Made a tentative stab at the acting game in The Krays with brother Gary a few years back and now, to cut a long story short, has lost his mind as Steve, the new baddie in uber soap EastEnders. What a pro.