When the snogging begins, turn the volume down : Six things I learnt from my first week watching Love Island

It’s been a week since the new series of Love Island started, and I have completed my first six days of observing this show that the nation has become so obsessed with - yes, it’s on every single night bar Saturday. This was news to me. Six down 42 to go. 

For a show that markets itself on sex appeal, I was surprised to discover that there’s been no sex whatsoever so far. Granted, the contestants have only known each other a week, but there’s barely been any snogging either - and after 16 months of lockdown!

After a week of watching near-naked bodies glistening in the Mallorcan sunshine (jealously, I might add, as I hate-check the Met Office forecast for London), I’ve gathered my thoughts and collated my reflections on week one of Love Island.

The Sound of Snogging

While sex has been non-existent in this apparently horny show, there has been some kissing - and it has been loud. Those microphones sure do emphasise the sound of saliva. Until now, I did not know that saliva had such a specific sound. I wish I still didn’t.

So this is more of a plea than an observation: to the producers of Love Island, please, for the love of all your viewers, turn the mics off when the couples are snogging. No one needs to hear any lips smacking and tongues squelching. The cringe is simply too much to bear.

Blondes Vs brunettes is still A Thing

A running theme in nearly every episode is the men declaring what hair colour they would like their ideal woman to have. Jake bangs on about blonde hair and blue eyes, Brad likes dark hair and dark eyes, and so on. The blonde women flap around worrying about their hair not being blonde enough.

I didn’t realise that the struggle to choose between blondes and brunettes was still prevalent, especially not among Millennials and Generation Z. But then again, I come from Malaysia, a place where almost every single person is a brunette. You’ve either got light brown hair, brown hair or black hair, so what do I know? I suppose there’s beauty in having limited choice in hair colour in this instance.

This need to choose a partner based on hair colour also seems to be much more important to men than women. A 2018 study found that men perceived women with blonde hair to be “significantly” younger and healthier than their brunette counterparts. However, brunettes were judged to have greater “parenting potential”, while blondes were seen as more promiscuous - which explains a lot about Love Island, really.

Wedgies, wedgies all around

Last week I was perplexed about how the women on Love Island were keeping their nipples in check with all the underboob bikinis they had been wearing. This week, my focus has been on thong bikinis, and more to the point, the wedgies they produce. Ladies of Love Island, how are you dealing with those wedgies?! Don’t lie to me and say they’re “actually quite comfortable”, as women are wont to do when we don’t want to let on that we’re suffering for our beauty.

Getting a wedgie is one thing, but how do you pick one out when you’re on camera all the time? Fair play, I don’t think I’ve seen a single person pick out a wedgie yet, so either they’ve all been very good about just putting up with it or the producers have been nice enough to edit all the wedgie-picking out. Either way, I have every respect for the women for wanting to look their absolute best – but must we still suffer the indignity of uncomfortable clothing just to impress men?

The curious case of sexy sleepwear

Newcomer Rachel made this observation on her first night at the villa, which made me sit and point at the television in agreement. While watching the other women get ready for bed, she pointed out their sexy sleepwear and asked: “Why do we need to be sexy? No one’s going to fuck.”

Fucking aside, why do the ladies of Love Island feel the need to put on lace-trimmed teddies and high-leg satin-y pyjama shorts to go to bed? Must we appear sexy, even in slumber? I’ve tried sleeping in one of those one-piece pyjamas and they are simply not comfortable – they pull in all the wrong places when you move in your sleep, and I cannot count the number of times I’ve woken up with, you guessed it, a wedgie!

We could learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom

The amount of time the women spend in the changing rooms to look sexy for the men astounds me. I wish humans would take a cue from the animal kingdom, where the males are the ones that primp and preen and make huge efforts to impress the females. The females carry the weight of continuing their species, and so are rightfully choosy when it comes to who they mate with. It’s perplexing how upside down things are in the human world.

At one point, Kaz is trying to figure out how she can get Toby to be affectionate with her and says: “How am I going to inspire this boy to cuddle me if I don’t look cute?” To which I say, Kaz! Love Island ladies! You’re all so deserving of affection and sweetness, but your looks aren’t the issue here. Impossible beauty standards really are exhausting - even as a viewer.

Toxic masculinity prevails

It surprised me to see how much toxic masculinity is at play in the villa, although I’m not entirely sure why. From Toby’s reluctance to cuddle Kaz because he’s worried about getting too attached, to Jake’s fear of being emasculated when Liberty suggests he could enjoy being little spoon in bed – the need to appear manly cast a shadow over Love Island, which is disappointing for such a sex-positive, liberal-appearing show.

Hugo is a fan favourite because he appears to be the only man on the show who is not afraid to be vulnerable and nice. Granted, as of Sunday night he was chosen by Chloe to be coupled up with, not because she fancies him, but because she likes him as a friend. But if Twitter reactions are anything to go by, Hugo’s softness makes him much more desirable than Jake’s macho man act ever could.

I suppose it doesn’t help that Jake’s toe-sucking fantasy is still fresh in everyone’s minds...