‘It’s the best thing I’ve ever done’: Six women describe the thrill of asking their partners to marry them

The 29th of February, or Leap Day as it is commonly known, is not only notable because it happens once every four years, but also because tradition dictates it is when women in mixed-sex relationships are “allowed” to propose to their male partner.

Despite being the 21st century, it is still far more common for men to propose than women (some studies show the number of women who do is less than 1 per cent). Whether you see that as patriarchal nonsense or as a noble and chivalrous tradition, it is how the majority of mixed-sex engagements happen.

But on 29 February, the tables are turned: according to Irish tradition, women can propose marriage on Leap Day, an arrangement that supposedly stemmed from a deal Saint Bridget struck with Saint Patrick. Traditionally, if men refused, they also had to buy the rejected woman a silk gown or fur coat.

Hundreds of years later, more women than ever feel empowered to go against the grain and propose not only on Leap Day, but throughout the year. The Independent has spoken to six women who took matters into their own hands, proposing everywhere from their home to a spa retreat – even on stage in front of thousands of people.

Hayley De Beers, a 33-year-old company director and make-up artist, has been with her partner, 44-year-old chef, baker and food writer Daniel, for six years. Prior to their engagement in January 2018, the couple had been put under pressure by family members to get engaged as they prepared for the nuptials of a relative. One evening, Hayley popped the question in a casual, understated manner, explaining that she and Daniel refrain from setting “gender roles” in their relationship.

open image in gallery

In the lead-up to their engagement, Hayley and Daniel had been having “a really rough couple of weeks,” the make-up artist explains. Then, one evening following “a really bad day” Hayley lightened up the situation by asking a “spur of the moment” question.

“We came home and got quite drunk, and I was like, ‘Do you want to just get married then?’” she recollects.

“The thing with Daniel is he’s a radical feminist. I don’t think he would have proposed to me anyway, which is fine. We’re very much a gender-neutral couple, there’s no set gender roles. So I think he was secretly waiting for me to do it anyway, just to challenge the norms a little bit.”

Hayley adds that she and Daniel were both sitting on the sofa together at the time “at equal levels”, an apt depiction of their relationship.

The couple’s friends and family found the manner of their engagement “hilarious” and “typical of the way they are” considering their tendency for bucking traditions. They carried this frame of mind to their wedding and marriage, eliminating the convention of “getting given away” in addition to Daniel taking Hayley’s surname.

Nonetheless, Hayley finds the tradition of Leap Day female proposals “nice” and “whimsy”, as she believes it gives women who may not otherwise propose to their partners “a sense of gusto”. She says: “It gives them a chance to go, ‘You know, I’m going to carpe diem, and I’m just going to do it.’ If they’re a traditionalist, it gives them that window of opportunity.”

On the other hand, Hayley adds that if a person feels as though they would like to propose to their partner, they should just “do it”. “Have fun with it. Make it sweet, make it cute, but also you don’t have to do a big grand gesture.”

“Sometimes it’s just as cute being on the sofa in your pyjamas and having a bottle of wine together.”

If you want to declare your love to the world, why not do it in front of a crowd at a music festival? That’s exactly what 35-year-old photographer Jenna Foxton did in 2016, when she proposed to her partner, 44-year-old Danny North, on stage at Secret Garden Party. Jenna admits that she is less open than her partner when it comes to voicing her emotions, which is why arranging the public proposal was the “ultimate testament” of her feelings about their relationship.

open image in gallery

Jenna and Danny first met at Secret Garden Party as photographers, becoming romantically involved two years later. The year that they became engaged, Jenna had been at a hen party when a conversation with a friend sparked the idea of proposing to Danny.

“Danny was in a really bad place at that point. He needs a lot of reassurance anyway, he’s a very emotional person, certainly more than me,” Jenna says, explaining that Danny had been coping with a long-distance relationship with his daughter at the time.

When Jenna’s friend asked whether she would consider proposing to Danny, the pieces came together as she mentally planned how she would do so during the Paint Fight at Secret Garden Party, which happens on the final day of the festival.

Jenna didn’t speak to other members of staff at Secret Garden Party about the proposal until the day before. Secret Garden Party founder Freddie Fellowes eventually got involved, coming up with the idea of asking Danny to come on stage to take a group photo of some of the festival staff.

Unbeknownst to Danny, Jenna also snuck on stage, before being handed the microphone. Amid much confusion, Jenna seized her moment, “blurting out” her proposal to Danny in front of a crowd of thousands for an “awesome” moment. “As soon as Danny said yes, Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere’ was cued to play,” Jenna remembers. “It dropped at the perfect moment.”

Jenna says that while she went out of her comfort zone to give Danny the “ultimate reassurance” of her love, he “lapped up” the moment.

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Especially for someone who’s pretty bad at describing their emotions, I’m glad I had that opportunity to say it in the ultimate way,” she says.

Jenna says the tradition of women proposing on Leap Day is “really strange”. “Feminism is as important as ever, and it finally seems to be something that has traction and movement,” she says. “Why should women have to wait for men to propose to them?”

Victoria Goulding-Mudd, 31, and her partner Elizabeth Goulding-Mudd, 40, got together in 2013 before becoming engaged two years later. The couple, who both work as secondary-school teachers, had already spoken about whether they wanted to enter a civil partnership or a wedding. Victoria asked for Elizabeth’s hand in marriage, something which she says “everyone should feel empowered” to do, regardless of their sex.

open image in gallery

“I had said to her that I knew I wanted to be with her forever,” Victoria says of her partner of seven years. “We discussed a civil ceremony or a marriage and how she felt about that as she had previously been married to a man. But she was all for it.”

While arranging her proposal, Victoria decided to bring a greater element of surprise, concealing the engagement ring under the guise that it was an anniversary present.

“I took her away to a spa hotel for our two-year anniversary of getting together and proposed there,” the teacher says, recalling how she got down on one knee. “I hid the ring in a Pandora box so she thought she was getting an anniversary charm but it was an engagement ring.

As a woman in a same-sex relationship, Victoria says she doesn’t think it’s “fair” for women who are in mixed-sex relationships to only be expected to propose on one day every four years. “I feel that it shouldn’t matter if you’re a woman with a man or with a woman. Everyone should feel empowered to ask their partner if they want to.”

Victoria adds that her wife Elizabeth would never have felt comfortable being the one to propose when she was with her ex-husband, demonstrating how it completely depends on the individual. “I also know two females where both wanted to propose but one got there first!” Victoria states.

She adds that women who feel inclined to propose to their partners should “just go for it”, as “they know their partner better than anyone else”. However, she advises ensuring that a person shouldn’t propose simply because their partner is “not asking you fast enough”.

After a six-year relationship, accountant Martha Fromson proposed to software engineer Karl Bates. They first met on their second day of university in 2010, and became a couple just a few months later. Now married and living in London, Martha says that she knew a year into her relationship that she was going to be the one to propose, having “come from a family of strong, independent women”.

open image in gallery

“I’m definitely the organised one and the one who was more in a rush to get married – I liked the idea of getting married young,” 28-year-old Martha says.

The couple had spoken about getting married throughout their relationship so Martha felt secure knowing Karl would say yes when she popped the question. “It really was just about making it official,” she adds.

“My proposal was very low-key,” Martha recalls. “I basically just asked him when we were at home one evening. It was such a lovely romantic moment though – he even cried!”

Despite challenging the stereotypical expectation that men should propose, Martha’s proposal was not entirely void of traditional elements.“He still bought me an engagement ring, as I really wanted one. I don’t wear my jewellery but I loved the idea of something special. I asked him if he wanted an engagement ring, but he didn’t particularly.”

Martha says the idea that women can only propose on Leap Day is “ridiculous”.

“I definitely think more women should propose if they want to. We need to tackle this narrative of a woman waiting for a man to say the magic words,” Martha states. “I come from a family of strong, independent women so it didn’t seem like a big deal to me.”

Nonetheless, she says some people were “taken aback” when they discovered she had proposed, which she found “very odd” considering the progression of feminism. “I’ve had a couple of female friends who’ve said they would consider proposing now and one who actually did, so I hope things are changing!” she says optimistically.

A couple of years into her relationship, 31-year-old writer Maggie Kelly and her partner, 33-year-old Julian, both from Australia, began discussing the prospect of marriage. During an appointment to design an engagement ring, Maggie realised that it didn’t feel right that they were going down such a “traditional” route. In that moment, Maggie decided that she wanted to be the one to carry out the proposal instead.

open image in gallery

“We hadn’t really thought so much about marriage,” says Maggie, who now lives in Amsterdam with Julian. “We’re both quite non-traditional in that sense. My thought on traditional marriage was that it was never going to be for us, that it was a bit of a trap and we weren’t going to walk into it.”

Nonetheless Maggie and Julian decided that marriage was on the cards. While in Hong Kong, the couple visited a jeweller who was to design an engagement ring. However, Maggie felt taken aback when the jeweller requested that she wait outside the store so that they could “talk costs” with her partner.

“I guess that was the moment that I thought that I would like to propose to Julian,” Maggie says. “It shocked me back into reality.”

Maggie went about sourcing a jewellery designer who could create an engagement ring for her partner. The ring was ready within a couple of weeks.

“I proposed to Julian on a boat, on a beautiful vintage canal boat,” Maggie says. “I’d arranged for all of our friends to meet us at a dock along one of the canals, so they surprised us, and my mum surprised me, she flew in from Australia. We went and had a wild night on the town, we went to karaoke. It was super fun.”

While she and Julian deem themselves a “non-traditional” couple, they received a “mixed bag” of reactions when they announced their engagement, she says. “I’m originally from Queensland in Australia, which is a pretty traditional place, so I do think it took my family some time to wrap their head around it.”

However, she states that “no one seemed that shocked” in Amsterdam, adding that other women in her life have also proposed to their partners.

Maggie says organising the proposal was the “most fun I have ever had in my life”, adding that she feels “so sad” that more women don't enjoy the “incredible experience”. “Saying, ‘I choose you, be mine.’ I think that’s a really powerful thing,” she says.

Just over a year ago, 26-year-old dog trainer and shop worker Zeffire proposed to their partner, 25-year-old environmental sciences PhD student Liam. The couple, who have been together for five and a half years, were in the Alps when Zeffire proposed, using fairy lights in a snowy forest setting to create a “special and magical” moment. The couple, who both grew up in London, now live in York.

open image in gallery

“I’ve always known I don’t want gender to define how I do things,” Zeffire says. “I’ve known I was pansexual since I was fairly young, and I’m pretty faceblind as well, which means I relate to people based on who they are, not how society categorises them. So I guess it just never occurred to me that proposing was off the cards.”

When Zeffire decided to propose, it wasn’t as simple as asking their partner for their hand in marriage. Zeffire explains that Liam had been “long-since keen to propose”, but that Zeffire had not been quite ready to make the commitment.

“I’d asked them to wait, not because I wouldn’t say yes, but because I needed to sort my own life out before offering to share it forever,” Zeffire says. “When I realised I was ready, I didn’t just want to say, ‘Okay, you can buy me a fancy ring now.’ So I decided to propose that my partner should propose, if that makes sense!”

Zeffire placed fairy light letters in a snowy forest which read “Ready When You Are”. Six months later, Liam proposed to Zeffire with a ring while swimming in a pool at the top of a waterfall.

“Going from snowy forests to waterfalls in a heatwave, and the half year between them really gave us time to reflect on how special and significant the commitment we’ve made to each other is,” Zeffire recollects.

“We didn’t actually tell anyone until after the second proposal. In hindsight, we might have done because it was very hard to keep secret – but we also didn’t want people pestering or underplaying my partner’s half of the proposal.”

Zeffire adds that it was “very special” to have those six months where only they knew that they were en route to marriage.

“It’s too soon to tell if our atypical proposal has inspired anyone, but I hope that stories like ours and articles like this will help people feel happier doing what they want, not what they think they should,” Zeffire states. “A good relationship is a partnership of equals, so why not start married life as you mean to go on?”