Relationship expert reveals how to avoid becoming a ‘girlfriend fluffer’
Sabrina Bendory, 38, says she often sees women becoming ‘fluffers’ when they try and convince a man to have a relationship with them – despite him wanting nothing serious
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Your support makes all the difference.A relationship coach has explained the term ‘girlfriend-fluffer’ and how to avoid becoming one of them.
Sabrina Bendory, 38, says she often sees women becoming ‘fluffers’ when they try and convince a man to have a relationship with them – despite him wanting nothing serious.
The term ‘girlfriend-fluffer’ has been coined to describe women who are unintentionally preparing their current partners for their next girlfriend.
It is most often used when a woman dates a man who may be feeling devoid of confidence and helps him to regain his mojo before he moves on and quickly ends up in another relationship.
The dating expert revealed she has “lots” of friends who she says have been “chronic fluffers”.
Sabrina, from Long Island, New York, US, has explained so many women find themselves in this situation, and said: “First of all, you have to be honest with yourself and what you want.
“I know the concept very well; being the woman dating a guy and right after he marries another woman.
“I’ve had lots of friends who are chronic fluffers you could say.
“What I see a lot is a guy not wanting anything serious and she stays anyway and thinks ‘how I about I show him how amazing I am and change his mind,’ but he’s set on what he wants.
“Don’t invest in anyone until you see they are matching the same level of investment.
“Be honest with yourself and if you can’t be honest with yourself outsource and ask people.
“It really comes down to who you chose and you have to chose someone who wants the same thing as you.
“Don’t take it personally, it’s usually not personal and think about what you can learn from it.
“Don’t just think ‘well I guess I’m just the fluffer girl’ because then you’ll continue to be the fluffer girl.”
Sabrina believes there may be a few reasons why women end up as ‘girlfriend-fluffers’.
She said: “It’s possible these women are drawn to projects. For example, a man with emotional issues and she makes it her mission to fix or heal him.
“The reason that happens is that you are emotionally unavailable yourself. It’s possible it stems back to childhood working to prove yourself for love.
“You make it your mission to love this guy back to life and you think it will reward you for you loyalty but then it doesn’t happen that way and he gains confidence and moves on.
“A guy that’s struggling with his mental health and thinking that they can’t bring anything to the table is going to feel miserable and most likely won’t want to stay in the relationship.
“So what happens is, he’s in a bad place and she’s so supportive and so helpful and, even though he might be thankful, he still associates that with the miserable part of his life.
“So maybe it’s possible that needs someone new and he jumps on it.”
To avoid this happening, Sabrina says the woman needs to look at ‘who and why’ she’s choosing to date.
She said: “These type of relationships are known as co-dependent relationships - it’s not a sustainable relationship and turns pretty toxic quickly.
“She needs to look at ‘how much am I putting into my relationship, who am I choosing and why am I choosing those people?’ “
The other reason women may find themselves in ‘fluffer’ territory is all down to timing, Sabrina says.
Timing plays a big role
She said: “I think timing plays a very big role in all of this.
“A guy maybe ready to get married but is dating a woman and thinks she isn’t the right match but the next person he is compatible with and gets married pretty quickly.
“I do agree that when a guy is ready to get married and a woman has what he wants, it does happen very quickly.
“I’ve been studying men and male behaviour for a long time.
“For men, timing is much more important than exactly what he’s looking for.
“They’re not so caught up on the little details. It comes down to how he feels around that woman.
“My comparison for this is Leonardo DiCaprio - it is clear he does not want to commit.
“I want to qualify that it’s not that these guys are necessarily evil people, but it has been scientifically proven that when men are in an emotional and fragile place they become selfish and unable to empathise.”
If people are struggling to get the same level of engagement out of their partner as they’re investing, Sabrina says how they communicate is key.
“If you notice that people aren’t engaging with you in a certain way, think about how you’re treating yourself,” she said.
“Make sure you’re feeding into your own self-love strategy. In terms of issues, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
“If you come from a blaming and shaming place he’s not going to listen and shut you out.
“It’s much more productive to praise him for what he’s doing right rather than saying what he’s doing wrong - come from a place of love and compassion.”
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