First Person

I’m a 45-year-old divorcee – Feeld made me realise I love threesomes and women

A new study suggests Brits are becoming more adventurous in the bedroom, but I spent decades in a sexless marriage. When a friend told me about a dating app where users declare their kinks freely, I jumped at the chance to try it. If only I’d done it sooner

Sunday 17 December 2023 01:30 EST

Match made in heaven: Rory introduced me to his ‘play partner’ Lila who was 20 years younger than me (Getty)

The breakup happened in August 2022. After 17 years of marriage, my husband and I decided that too much had changed in our lives and we were no longer a good fit; he moved out the following month. And that’s when I signed up to my first dating app.

Tinder was the gateway. At 45, I was enjoying my newfound freedom, dating people I’d swiped right on, and occasionally sleeping with strangers I met at parties. But people rarely wanted to meet up – they mostly just wanted to sext – and the rest would ghost me after just a few messages. It felt like everyone was playing a game.

One night out, I remember speaking with a young single woman who’d just moved to London from Portugal; she was regaling me with stories of her “wild” sex life, talking about various kinks and sexual predilections I’d never heard of. “You need to get on Feeld immediately,” she told me. I downloaded the app when I got home, slightly blurry-eyed from one too many tequila shots. Immediately, I noticed the difference in the kinds of conversations I was having on this platform compared to others I’d been on. With more than 20 genders and sexualities to choose from and an entire section on profiles dedicated to kinks, Feeld is not like other dating apps. It markets itself as a platform for “open-minded individuals”, tackling the societal shame that we attach to sex and certain sexual acts. At first, it was weird not being able to see the full names or photos of people I was chatting with (some profiles were just initials and photos of their bodies) but I got used to it after a while.

‘I was in a weird state of delirium and pleasure, totally blown away by the whole experience. It felt like I was high on drugs’ (iStock)

What was lacking in identifying features was made up for in clarity of sexual preferences. Everyone was so upfront about what they were into: bondage, group sex, submissives. I’d heard of some of these terms before, but I was astonished to see how many people were openly incorporating them into their profiles – as casually as they would declare themselves a non-smoker. There were some I needed to google, like “Skoliosexual” (those who are primarily attracted to genderqueer and transqueer people) and “Gynesexual” (people who are primarily sexually, romantically and/or aesthetically attracted to femininity). A new study found that Google searches for similarly obscure kinks, like, say “gooning” (the act of achieving prolonged arousal through sensory overload), have shot up in the past five years. Perhaps I’m not the only Brit expanding my sexual horizons. I also loved the fact that on Feeld I didn’t have to decide right away whether I was interested in someone; I could swipe past and come back to them another time.

It took a few awkward conversations with strangers before I came across Rory; he was one of the only profiles I encountered that included both a full first name and a photograph of his face. With long, dark curls and striking hazel eyes, he was gorgeous. His preferences? “Sensual”, “Texting”, and “Threeway”. We eventually met late one Saturday night after we had both decided we were just looking for a cuddle that evening.

I never thought I’d find myself having regular threesomes and looking to date women, especially not at my age

I was reluctant to say yes, until I found out he only lived about a 10-minute cycle away from me. When I arrived at Rory’s flat, we initially just laid on his bed, cuddling and talking. Then the inevitable happened, and we went from “just cuddling” to having the most incredible sex I’ve had with anyone. We had sex a few more times after that, meeting regularly every week, before he suggested “group play”.

I then learnt that he had a “play partner” (someone with whom he has regular casual sex) that he was looking to have a threesome with. She was called Lila and was 24. I was hesitant for a few reasons. The first being that I’d never been with a woman before, let alone in a threesome scenario, and the second being that she was 20 years my junior. But Rory assured me Lila was more mature than a lot of people our own age. Towards the end of my marriage, I had essentially felt dead from the neck down. We hardly had sex at all, and so the thought of any experimentation had never come up – but now, having been presented with the idea, it was incredibly appealing. So, a few weeks later, I decided to take the plunge and join them on a night his flatmate was away. We organised to meet at Rory’s apartment after I had been out for drinks with a work friend.

Channel 4’s ‘The Couple Next Door’ is one of many recent shows to explore polyamorous relationships (Sofie Gheysens/Channel 4)

I arrived at around half past eight. The atmosphere was just like any other casual night-in with friends: drinking, smoking, and idle chatter about pop culture and politics. I was impressed with Lila and how confident she was. She wasn’t arrogant, just very self-assured. And I was surprised at how attracted to her I was. Soon, we moved into the bedroom, and everything progressed quite quickly from there. At one point, as I was tied up and blindfolded, I heard Rory say to Lila, “I told you I’d bring you a good f***toy.” That was a real turn-on.

After the sex had finished and the excitement had wound down, we returned to the lounge. They lit their cigarettes and resumed conversation, but at that point, I could hardly speak. I was in a weird state of delirium and pleasure, totally blown away by the whole experience. It felt like I was high on drugs.

If Dating Apps Were Honest | Honest Ads (Tinder, Match.com, Bumble, OkCupid, Eharmony Parody)

I never saw Lila or Rory again, but a few weeks later I was back on Feeld where I matched with someone called James who was looking for a third person to join him and his girlfriend in bed. Feeling confident, I went for it and the three of us have slept together several times since.

Three’s a crowd: David Haye was rumoured to be in a throuple with his girlfriend Sian Osborne and Saturday’s singer Una Healy (Getty/David Haye/Instagram)

While I can’t attest to what it’s like being part of a polyamorous relationship, a dynamic that’s been in the spotlight lately thanks to Channel 4’s The Couple Next Door, what I can say for certain is that being the third person in a threesome is quite something. It’s like you’re the special guest and everyone is obsessed with you. It’s also something that has become more mainstream this year – consider the rumours surrounding David Haye and his “throuple”, for example. The appeal is obvious: you’re treated with so much awe and wonder. It’s an amazing ego boost, and one I sorely needed after the divorce.

The last time I met up with James, I came to the realisation that I might be bisexual. I’d found myself becoming more and more turned on by his girlfriend, Clara, and have since started actively pursuing dates with women. I have yet to go on a date with a woman, but it’s something I think I would really find deep and meaningful pleasure in.

After almost two decades in a practically sexless marriage, I never thought I’d find myself having regular threesomes and looking to date women, especially not at my age. I feel more empowered and sexually liberated than ever before. There’s just one small part of me that feels sad: how did I allow myself to go on the way I was for so long? It makes me wonder how many of us might be paddling away in long-term relationships, repressing desires we never knew we had. We all deserve the opportunity to explore them. I wish I had sooner.