The lost year: How the pandemic pressed pause on the world of dating

When the UK went into lockdown, single people were forced to press pause on their love lives. Flourishing flirtations were cast aside; random hookups became a distant memory. Romance, as it was known, screeched to a halt. Seven months later, it’s still not clear when it will get moving again.

For those who chose not to “test the strength of their relationship” - as the UK’s deputy chief medical officer, Dr Jenny Harries, so eloquently put it - by moving in with their last Hinge date, it was time to get creative. And so single people lost themselves in a sea of virtual cocktail tastings, FaceTime quizzes, and Zoom orgies. They also started frantically looking for love at first swipe, with dating apps reporting major spikes and rolling out virtual features to accommodate this new wave of activity.

Despite the fact that no one could actually touch each other, morale wasn’t as low as you’d think, as people thrust themselves into this brave new digital-only dating world, one video call at a time.

What’s more, they were willing to sacrifice a few weeks of casual sex for the sake of saving lives. And doing so had its perks, as meaningless flings were suddenly replaced with emotional connections based on friendship rather than pheromones. It was new, it was interesting, it was even quite fun. Until it wasn’t.

As the UK moves into its seventh month of living with Covid-19, the honeymoon stage for this new way of dating is officially over. What initially looked like something that would last a few weeks has turned into months and quite possibly years. While trials remain ongoing, it’s not clear when we will have a vaccine for Covid-19. But even if and when we do, a new report from the Royal Society has warned that it will be a long process until the vaccine is widely available and that it will still be some time before we return to “normal life”.

This is bad news for everyone, but particularly for single twentysomethings and thirtysomethings. For this demographic, a year or two without real-life romantic interactions isn’t just a downer - it’s an obstacle on their path towards key relationship milestones, like marriage and children. And unless you’re a reality TV star, it’s not exactly like anybody’s going to start proposing to someone they’ve only ever flirted with from behind a screen.  With all this in mind, the question arises: how do you navigate a seismic shift in the dating landscape when you have no idea how long it’s going to last?

Of course, you can go on socially distanced dates, a good idea in theory, but one that, in practice, inhibits all of the things that make dating fun. The accidental knee graze in the pub that gives you butterflies. The shoulder rub that makes you realise you might like someone. The goodnight kiss that confirms it.

As for sex, well, it’s become even more of a minefield. Last month, the government announced that you can now have sex with someone with whom you are in an “established relationship”, lifting the so-called sex ban that was brought into place in July. But in a dating scene defined by ambiguity and a compulsion to “play it cool” - hence, everything is almost always implied rather than explicitly stated - this relaxed rule has proven largely unhelpful. Does that person you went on three dates with count as an “established” partner? What about the friend you realised you might actually be attracted to? And how do you establish said “establishment” while maintaining that semblance of insouciance that is vital to those early stages of dating?

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Even though restrictions have eased around the country, it’s still virtually impossible to meet anyone in real life. In England, a 10pm curfew for pubs and restaurants has put paid to late-night chance encounters. Students can no longer frolic their way through Fresher’s Weeks given that they were all online-only events. And gone are the days of water-cooler flirtations in offices seeing as most people are now working from home. All this has given elevated significance to dating apps, which have become one of the safest ways to meet people in the pandemic.

Lucy*, 29, from London, never had much luck with dating apps. “I hate using them, but now they’re one of the only ways to meet new people,” she says. “I’ve found that really hard to accept, it feels like a real loss. I fantasise about house parties, after-work drinks and exchanging bedroom eyes across a crowded bar. I think the advice has always been to use dating apps in addition to trying to meet people 'in real life', but the pandemic has taken all that away.”

Tom, 33, from Brighton, agrees that as much as he is reluctant to use dating apps, the restrictions have left him with no choice. “Without dating apps it is very hard to meet someone currently,” he says. “Beforehand, I might have met someone through the office, in a nightclub or at a festival.”

But even using a dating app is different now to what it was before. At what point do you decide to make the leap from online interactions to a real-life one? And how do you weigh up the risks of such an encounter? “In times of danger and uncertainty we need comfort and closeness,” says Neil Wilkie, psychotherapist and creator of couples therapy platform The Relationship Paradigm. “During the pandemic, the choice of partners is more limited, and so we may seize onto what is there because that is the best choice we have in that moment.”

This could lead some people to become physically intimate with others more quickly, but others may retreat entirely, particularly if they are concerned about transmitting the virus. “Some single people might be suffering from a sense of isolation at this time that will have a negative effect on their desire for a loving relationship,” adds Wilkie. “Instead of diving back into dating, they may retreat into the black hole of social media, locked in and with an inability to truly connect with anyone.”

At the start of lockdown, Ibbi, 30, from London, moved back home with her mother, who is in the vulnerable category so feels particularly apprehensive about dating. “I really miss having someone to talk to and hug, but I’m very anxious about being intimate with anyone,” she says. “I’m also conscious that, as a black person, I’m at a higher risk of dying from Covid-19 than any other race. But it would be really lonely to wait until the threat of coronavirus has passed to start dating again. I have to pick between life or love... and that’s a hard choice to make.”

Physical contact is a hugely important part of dating. Not least because it fosters deeper levels of intimacy between partners, but also because it’s a way of testing sexual compatibility, explains Dr Katherine Hertlein, couples therapist and expert advisor at Blueheart. “Although there are still ways singletons can engage sexually - such as sexting, phone sex or video sex - this doesn’t replace the natural human impulse to be physically intimate with someone,” she says. 

“When we cuddle, oxytocin is released, and this hormone is responsible for generating feelings of trust and connection with someone. Without this, it can be hard to make connections with prospective partners.” 

Ibbi is not the only person who is afraid to be intimate with someone. Ella, 22, from London, has completely changed her approach to casual sex. “To bring someone into my home or to go to their home feels like a big step in the current climate,” she says. “I think it’s something I will have to do when I feel like I know them a bit more and can find out a bit more about their hygiene habits.”

Lucy hasn’t been physically intimate with anyone since the pandemic began. “I have no idea how to navigate it. Would we have to both get tested for Covid-19 first? Would there be a conversation about exclusivity? What if there was a huge build-up and then we weren't sexually compatible at all? The thought of not kissing is just awful. For me a lot of the joy and spontaneity of dating has been taken away, and I just feel incredibly stressed by the whole thing.” 

Fred, 27, from Yorkshire where, in some areas, you are not allowed to visit someone else’s home or socialise indoors with people you don’t live with, has been on several real-life dates in recent weeks. “Everything around the date is more anxiety-inducing,” he says. “You have to book places in advance, wear a mask on the journey and before you get to the table. Plus, there are obviously concerns around social distancing wherever you go.”

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Such concerns are a shame for those, who, like Orla, 25, from London, were gearing up for a summer of love this year. “I broke up with my ex in June 2019, and it had been quite a draining relationship, so I really had a lot of 'me time' whilst recovering from the break up. I was feeling so ready to get back on the dating scene and have some fun, then bam, coronavirus hits.”

Meanwhile, as someone in her late twenties, Lucy can’t help but feel somewhat resentful towards her coupled-up friends. “It’s actually become quite a divisive issue in my friendship group,” she says. “Single people have had to sacrifice our personal lives for public health, whereas couples have been able to continue as normal. There was never much acknowledgement of the fact that going without physical contact, affection, companionship and immediate emotional support was actually really hard. I felt very much forgotten about during lockdown. It's hard to live your 'best single life' right now in a footloose, fancy-free way - whereas the cosy domesticity of coupledom is in line with all the restrictions - and at least you have someone to share the lows with.”

As cases of Covid-19 continue to rise around the country, and a second lockdown looks imminent, it’s not clear how the next few months will pan out. But one thing is certain: the dating landscape has been forever changed by the pandemic.

Expect a rise in virtual sex (sex toy sales around the world skyrocketed in lockdown), which is arguably the safest way to be intimate with someone today. “It just requires a little creativity,” notes Dr Hertlein. “Phone and video sex has been popular amongst couples and groups. Mutual masturbation is another great way to get intimate whilst staying safe and keeping a safe distance. Depending on comfort levels, this can be done with or without the use of a phone or video link but can help build a sense of intimacy and desire in that relationship.”

Of course, given the complexities, some people may choose to surrender themselves to an indefinite period of abstinence. But be wary of this, warns Wilkie. “Those who have withdrawn from dating may find it difficult to emerge,” he says. “It will also be harder for them to navigate the subtleties of dating in the flesh with all its kinaesthetic cues, like when to have the first kiss.”

It’s not all bad news. In the absence of physical contact, experts say we might wind up becoming more selective with the people we choose to date, virtually or otherwise, thus forming more meaningful relationships than we would have otherwise. “With more time on their hands, singles have been able to spend more time really getting to know who they are, and reflecting on what they want in a relationship,” explains Emma Spiegler, relationship and sexuality associate at Zoe Clews and Associates.

“They can use this time to do a deep dive into their own values, desires and needs, all of which will eventually enable them to date from a much more conscious place, whenever they feel ready to do that.” Here’s hoping, because if single people need one thing right now, it’s a flicker of light at the end of this indefinitely long tunnel.

*Names have been changed