Phd student asks if she was wrong for refusing to remind husband about ‘huge event’ in her life that he missed

A woman divided Redditors after asking whether her husband should have remembered an important event in her life all on his own — or if she should have reminded him.

In a recent post on the popular “Am I The A**hole?” subreddit, the woman explained that she was a busy Phd student with a paying job on the side. The issue with her husband came up over her confirmation seminar, a final step in the Phd process, when a panel of professors announce whether or not she has officially earned her doctorate.

“I told him confirmation was rapidly approaching and he asked if he could come to the presentation. I told him I wasn’t sure but would ask. Then the university sent out my presentation details email with a zoom link. I forwarded it straight to him,” she wrote on Reddit.

A few days later, she asked if he’d read it, to which he replied, “No.” She later asked again, and he still hadn’t seen the message, the wife said.

“At this stage I realized that not only had he not read the email but he hadn’t bothered to enquire about the presentation. Unfortunately this is fairly normal for him. He doesn’t often enquire about me much about me, ask me many questions about my day etc and I admit I’m tired of being ignored,” she wrote.

She told Reddit she was well aware she could simply remind him about the presentation but decided against it because she wanted him to “care enough” to either ask or read the email. The big day finally arrived, and her husband didn’t show up, she said.

When she brought it up a few days later, her husband was upset she hadn’t reminded him — and she told him she was angry he never bothered to ask.

Redditors chimed in with their own opinions on who was in the wrong, with some commenters defending her, saying that she did remind her husband more than once to read the email she sent him.

“He simply didn’t care enough to read an email and even to check on you, or wish you well. He’s blaming you for his lack of care and consideration,” one comment read.

Another commenter agreed, writing, “He showed very little interest so why should you have to remind him like he was a child? I hope you do not go out of your way to celebrate his achievements/ life events. He couldn’t even be bothered to support you as you get a PhD. I mean, how sad is he? Your choice if you want to basically be ignored throughout your marriage.”

But others questioned why she wasn’t more direct with him about the confirmation.

“When he asked you if he could come, you said you didn’t know. When you found out he could come, you forwarded an email rather than telling him directly. Then you kept asking if he’d read the email rather than asking if he was coming to the presentation. Based on what you’ve said, you didn’t communicate with him directly about the event or about the fact you wanted him to attend,” one comment began.

“I get being annoyed that your partner isn’t taking a more active interest in your life, but this is a very passive way to communicate. It’s going to undermine your relationships - not just with your husband but also in academia, where lots of professors do not read their emails in a timely fashion (!!!).”

“It sounds like you never actually told him when your event was, so your title is misleading,” another commenter agreed. “You didn’t remind your husband about a huge event in your life, you reminded him to read a forwarded email. That’s not just semantics, there’s a big difference there. You not only failed to communicate the actual info, it sounds like you did it deliberately in order to test him. And now you’re shocked that he failed the test?”