How to make someone feel like the only person in the world, according to psychologists

If the rise of populism has shown us anything, it’s that charisma and charm are invaluable. Some people seem to just have the knack of making others feel as they are the most important person in the world, with just a few carefully chosen words and gestures.

Whether or not you aim for world domination or simply being less painfully awkward in social situations, it is reassuring to know that charisma is not innate. There is a definite science to being the guy at the party who everyone wants to speak to, as a person’s actions trigger our hyper-vigilant neurological system, explains Dr Brian Marien, director of the Positive Group which provides psychological tools for those in the public and private sector.

“Humans are social animals," he says. "The amygdala, situated in a primitive part of brain, is specifically designed to assess, monitor and appraise other human beings. Discerning who is friend or foe. Who to befriend, trust or distrust is an invaluable survival skill for a social animal. If the amygdala receives a range of positive messages, including facial expression, body language, tonality, words and actions, it primes a ‘safe’ neural circuit and turns off its ‘homeland security system’ and the individual begins to relax.

Emotions are contagious, adds Dr Marien. "Our amygdalas communicate via a very fast neural circuit creating a powerful social-wifi through an ‘open loop’ system. You cannot not communicate. The amygdala is constantly monitoring a complex range of relevant variables.”

Which, to a certain extent, is terrible when you are the sort of person who uses the wrong social cues or panics to fill an empty silence. Still, charismatic is something we can all learn, although it does seem rather complicated.

"Observing and noting the skills of those with the power to make anyone feel like the only person in the room is key, but so is being yourself," says psychologist Marianne Vicelich. So far, so terrifyingly vague.

More specifically, says Vicelich presence is the easiest and most misunderstood aspect of being charismatic. “Being present means you have dedicated 100 per cent of yourself to the current situation. When someone is speaking to you, tune your brain into not only what they are saying to you, but why they are saying it to you. This means thoroughly listening to the other persons point of view not planning on what you are going to say next.

“Be comfortable with who you are and be consistent,” she says. “Know yourself and don't try to be someone else. Be optimistic and don't discuss your problems. We all have problems but only discuss with family and very close friends not socially,” she suggests, stressing to never put yourself down.

“When you finally find someone that makes an effort to understand you, don't you feel a strong appreciation for them. This is the power of presence and it is important to leverage this everyday if you want to cultivate charisma.”

It goes without say, then, that checking your phone or looking around the room are best avoided.

Dr Marien offers six pointers to remember when speaking to someone.

“Listening actively is an essential skill. Most people can immediately tell if you are really paying attention and genuinely interested. Be relaxed, open and friendly by linking facial expressions, body language, tonality because the amygdala picks up very subtle cues. Be calm, confident and respectful to make the other person feel safe and more relaxed.

"Show genuine, authentic interest, which helps to make the other person feel valued and more likely to communicate."

Socratic questioning, by delving deeper into subjects, can help to understand the other person’s reality and see the world from their perspective.

Perhaps, most importantly, it is important not to get swept up in your own actions and notice how the other person is responding verbally and non-verbally. Watch their eye contact, facial expression, and gently enquire as to how they are feeling, he adds.

Overwhelmed and ready to sack off this charisma lark and remain in your shell? “Walk before you run is a good strategy,” suggests Dr Marien.