Violence against women and girls a ‘national emergency’ – how to talk to teens about it

Police have warned violence against women and girls is a “national emergency” – with at least one in every 12 women a year being a victim.

A new report commissioned by the National Police Chiefs’ Council ( NPCC) and the College of Policing  found nearly 3,000 violent crimes against women and girls are recorded every day, and more than one million such crimes were recorded by police in 2022/23. The exact number is expected to be much higher because of crimes that go unreported.

The report points out that violence against women and girls is at such a scale “it cannot be addressed through law enforcement alone”.

One important way of addressing the issue is to help young people understand how wrong such violence is and what is and isn’t acceptable within a relationship.

So how can parents talk to their teens about it?

Helen Westerman, head of local campaigns at the NSPCC, points out  that non-violent behaviours such as trying to control someone in a relationship  can eventually lead to violence.

“Phone checking, telling someone what they should or shouldn’t be wearing on a night out, is all a precursor to something potentially much more sinister,” she says.

“Such behaviours are as difficult for young people as they are for adults to manage – it could be what’s modelled at home or in their community, and they may think the person loves them if they’re showing controlling behaviours. It can be really misinterpreted as someone showing them love and affection.”

She stresses that parents should have conversations with their children about relationships as early as possible, pointing out: “Having conversations about your body belonging to you, your right to say no, and what a healthy relationship looks like begins at primary age, and we’d urge parents to have that age-appropriate conversation with children almost from the get-go.”

But if parents haven’t had such conversations with their children at an early age, she says they should have a non-judgemental chat with them as soon as possible, perhaps using a storyline from a TV soap or a book, or something heard on the radio, as a prompt.

“It can be pretty daunting as a parent to sit down and say we’re going to have a conversation about violence against women and girls, or healthy relationships – it can feel a bit jarring and unnatural,” she says.

“But using opportunities of things they see in the press or on TV can be a really helpful starting point.”

Young people should be having relationships and sex education in school, and parents can use this as an opportunity to ask their teenager about what they’ve heard, suggests Westerman.

She says parents should comment on good relationships they see around them, but stresses: “They should also question relationships they or their child hears about that are unhealthy – if there are controlling aspects to someone’s relationship. Or if they hear someone’s unhappy in a relationship, the parent can ask their child what they think about that.

“And once young people have their own relationship, talk about what a good relationship looks like – particularly if a parent has been in a coercive or violent relationship themselves.”

If that’s the case, Westerman points out that it may not be the parent that talks to a child about violence against women and girls. “Many adults don’t feel able to talk to their child about it because it may be something they’ve experienced themselves as children and don’t really know where to begin.

“So why not have the conversation with a grandparent or a friend? It doesn’t have to be the parent, it can be someone else that’s significant in the child’s life.”

Westerman stresses that such conversations, which should cover issues like reading people’s body language and taking cues should be had whatever the gender of the child, and whether they’re chatting to people online or face-to-face.

“How another person makes them feel online is really important too,” she says. “There’s all the rules and boundaries that go along with that, like not pressurising somebody into sharing images, for example, not insisting that person doesn’t speak to any other boys or girls, that controlling behaviour can start really early on in a teen relationship, e.g. asking to see someone’s phone to check they’re not Snapchatting somebody else. All of those things are warning signs for parents.

“Try to have those conversations before that becomes a thing. When they first get a mobile phone, tell them when they start messaging people that if someone makes them feel uncomfortable they should trust in their gut and talk to someone about it.

“Letting early conversations about friendships morph into chats about relationships when they’re teenagers can be much easier than sitting down when they’re 14 and saying, ’Lets talk about violence against women and girls’, because that feels like a massive leap.

“Understandably, many parents will feel out of their depth. We’re proposing that parents routinely check in with their children about the quality of their relationships, and how they’re feeling. Being inquisitive and supportive is really important.”

Andrea Simon, executive director of the End Violence Against Women Coalition, says education is the key to shifting attitudes that justify or trivialise violence against women and girls.

“We need to be putting more resources into stopping male violence against women and girls before it starts,” she says. “We need to see the government properly fund and prioritise high-quality relationships and sex education in schools.

“Parents have a crucial role in this education, being alive to the views and attitudes their children are exposed to online or in the playground, and having open and honest conversations with them.”

Simon says this is more crucial than ever, as young people are being swept up in rising misogyny online, and she stresses: “It’s particularly important to talk to boys and young men about healthy relationships, consent and gender equality, in a way that doesn’t push them further towards the dangerous ideologies peddled online.”