85% of men admit they wouldn’t open up about their struggles with friends in the pub

Telling someone your troubles won’t ‘fix’ everything. But it could be a massive weight off your mind and help you feel less alone – as River Hawkins, actor and founder of men’s mental health charity, HUMEN, knows firsthand.

“When you’re going through something, you often feel like you’re the only one,” Hawkins reflects. “But so many other people will have also gone through that before. More often than not, you’ll find by sharing that someone will be able to emphasise or relate to an element of what you’re saying.

“That’s through us connecting and sharing – and it is a scary thing to take that risk,” he acknowledges. “We talk about men needing to increase their vulnerability and, by definition, vulnerability involves risk. But the payoff of doing that is way more than the opposite, which is staying silent and staying in isolation.”

Hawkins set up HUMEN with the aim of making it easier for all men to do this –  regardless of whether they can afford to pay for help (“the right to talk shouldn’t be a privilege”, he says), and without them having to reach breaking point first. The determination came from his own experiences: after approaching his GP about his mental health, the London-based actor and producer, who’s in his late 20s, was given six weeks of counselling. But despite feeling it was starting to help, he was later told further support would only be available if he said he was suicidal.

This highlighted a glaring gap for Hawkins, which he set about trying to fill. Suicide remains the leading cause of death for men under 50, with men accounting for 74% of all suicide deaths in England and Wales last year.

The charity’s ‘The HUMEN Space’ initiative provides free weekly one-hour sessions where men can get together to talk, share and listen. These are said to be ‘anonymous and non-clinical safe spaces’, that are judgement-free and confidential. They currently have hubs in London, Cardiff, Manchester, Dublin and Edinburgh, with plans to start in further locations across the UK soon. People can join virtually too.

“I wanted to focus on prevention,” Hawkins explains. “I was seeing a lot of campaigns about men needing to talk, needing to be vulnerable. But if we don’t provide a way for them to do that, things aren’t going to change. We need to provide that platform.”

Now, the charity is promoting its second annual ‘Rise Against Suicide’ awareness and fundraising campaign, which will culminate in the UK’s first ‘Pub Pilgrimage’ on December 4. Taking place in 13 locations across the UK, supporters will embark on a 5,151m walk – a metre for each man who lost their life to suicide last year. HUMEN is aiming to raise £50,000, alongside spreading the message far and wide.

The charity has partnered with Heineken-owned Star Pubs & Bars to bring the conversation into those settings – with ‘mental health menus’ and other campaign material put in place – after a survey found despite spending an average four hours a week in the pub with their friends, 85% of men admitted they wouldn’t usually discuss how they’re really feeling while out with their mates.

Most of the men quizzed (78%) agreed they should speak to each other more about personal matters, yet a number of things were holding them back – with 37% saying they didn’t want to ‘bring the mood down’ and nearly half (48%) admitting they wouldn’t know how to help if a friend did start opening up to them.

DJ and NHS doctor Bodalia is involved with the campaign, and wants to reassure men it’s OK if you don’t have all the answers when a friend opens up. A supportive ear is often what matters most in those moments – something he’s come to realise through working in hospitals.

“We often think too hard about what we should or shouldn’t say,” says Bodalia, who became famous for his ‘NHSessions’ DJ sets streamed from his kitchen during lockdown. “I think we need to take it right back – the number one thing is just to be someone who can listen. Listening itself is such a powerful tool, allowing that person who’s going through something difficult to speak through their emotions, cry if they need to cry, and just be honest. That conversation is often enough to make that person feel significantly better, like they’ve got a weight taken off their chest.

“Simply acknowledging the situation someone is in is terrible – that’s sometimes all a person wants to know, that their feelings are validated. It’s OK for them to feel sad or to not be happy.”

If somebody is really struggling, Bodalia suggests “signposting them to appropriate support” – whether that’s their doctor, “A charity like HUMEN or services like Samaritans. If somebody is actively suicidal or in a very difficult crisis point, then call 999 or another crisis line,” he adds.

And if you’re worried about a friend but aren’t sure how to go about encouraging them to open up, Hawkins suggests gently leading by example. “I think the best way is to share something about themselves first. By putting their vulnerability out there first, it opens the door for someone to be vulnerable in return, or share what they might be worried about,” he says.

If they do start to share, be patient and give them time. “In society, we often listen to respond,” Hawkins adds. “And I think we really need to increase our listening to hear each other, rather than listening to respond. Because when we do that, that’s when things really change for the better.”

For more information about HUMEN and the ‘Rise Against Suicide’ campaign, to sign up or donate, visit wearehumen.org