Dear Fiona: I’m happily married but can’t stop having affairs
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine urges a woman who feels addicted to affairs to seek professional support.
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.The problem…
“I have a destructive streak where relationships are concerned, and I simply don’t seem to be able to control it. Although I am ‘happily’ married with two children and a caring husband, I seem to have a need for extra-marital affairs (I had my first on my honeymoon!).
“I know my behaviour is shocking by most people’s standards, but I don’t seem able to feel guilty. I even had a bit of a fling during lockdown, with someone I met whilst out walking. That’s ended now – but I’m now back at work and I’m being sent on a part-time college course soon, so the opportunities will be enormous.
“My husband did find out about one relationship that got a bit out of hand, but he forgave me. You’d have thought that would make me feel guilty, but somehow it didn’t – it just added to the fun of it.“I would like to change my behaviour and be more loyal, because my husband really is a lovely man, but I don’t know how to start. My behaviour is like an addiction and, despite my good intentions, I seem unable to stop.”
Fiona says…
“Please contact Relate (relate.org.uk) and get counselling help as soon as you can. You are, it would seem, addicted to the thrill of an extra-marital relationship and, like most addictions, they can be dangerous. You really need to sort out your feelings and find out what is missing from your life that you are replacing with the excitement of an affair.
“It sounds as if you have a warm, loving relationship with your husband, but I suspect there is something in your past that triggers this behaviour. It might give you a clue as to why you behave this way, if only you are prepared to go looking for it – and that is something that counselling could help you do. Some people have a dependency on sex and sexual activity to help numb negative emotions and difficult experiences – could this be you?
“If it’s something lacking in your relationship with your husband, then you need to find a way of addressing this. It might, for example, be passion – but passion is something that can be created, especially if you truly care for one another. In spite of your affairs, it sounds as if your husband is still very important to you and that you do care about him.
“I’m sure you realise that not only are you putting your marriage at risk by carrying on as you are, but you are also running a huge health risk to your husband as well as yourself. How would you explain to him if you gave him a sexually transmitted infection of some kind? How would you explain things to your two children if your husband decided he wasn’t prepared to forgive you?
“Aside from Relate, another organisation you could turn to if you feel it might help would be ATSAC. That stands for the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (atsac.org.uk) and it might be an alternative route for you to follow. Whatever you do though, do please seek professional help – not just for your sake, or for your husband’s but for your children as well.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.