I lost my dad in the pandemic and couldn’t say goodbye – now I don’t know how to grieve
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine reassures everyone who’s lost a loved one in the pandemic that their grief is totally valid.
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“Back in November, my dad developed a dry cough. At the beginning of December, he was admitted to hospital when he started to struggle with his breathing. He tested positive for coronavirus, so we weren’t able to visit him, to hold his hand, or even eventually say goodbye.
“The staff at the hospital did everything they possibly could for him, but like so many others, this virus sadly claimed my dad’s life just before Christmas.
“I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness, but I’m incredibly aware of everyone’s struggles and difficult experiences of the past 12 months. When so many people have sadly lost loved ones, I can’t help but feel like my grief isn’t unique, and therefore not justified.
“I’m trying to keep a stiff upper lip and to get on with my life, but I feel like he was taken from me too soon. Am I the only person feeling this way?”
Fiona says…
“I’m absolutely sure you’re not the only one feeling this way. Sadly, many people have been through a similar experience over the past year. The pandemic has had a huge impact on us emotionally. Like you, many are suffering and deeply saddened by the way in which loved ones have died alone – apart, of course, from the hospital staff who have been there with them.
“Not only is your grief fully justified, but it is also necessary – so please don’t think that keeping a stiff upper lip is the way forward. We all need to grieve when people we love and care about die, and bottling up that grief can cause long term psychological damage. The fact that so many people have had a tough time over the past year does not reduce your loss and your need to grieve.
“Whilst in normal times, a funeral, with supporting friends and family, can really help that process, sadly even that has been denied to vast numbers of bereaved people right now. Whilst some funerals have continued to take place, numbers attending have been limited. Further, many of those who might have wished to attend were unable to, because they were forced to isolate, or due to restrictions.
“The charity Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk), that provides care and support for people with terminal illnesses, has seen a huge increase in demand for its support services. Which is why they have called for and are leading a National Day of Reflection, to remember those who have died during the pandemic and show support for the millions who have been bereaved.
“There will be a minute’s silence on Tuesday, March 23 at midday, where people can show their support for the millions of people who’ve been bereaved. It is also a day in which you’re encouraged to take a moment to connect with someone you know who’s grieving. The charity believes it is vital that we make time to commemorate those who have died, and they hope this day will bring us together to pause, reflect and support each other.
“Unfortunately, we will still be subject to restrictions, but could you, perhaps, use the day as an opportunity to connect with family – perhaps through an online memorial for your dad? Could you also make the day special in other ways – perhaps everyone in the family could share (remotely) your father’s favourite meal?
“I’m sure you could think of other ways in which you could give the day over to your grief and, if you need help coping with this, remember the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.