Dear Fiona: I don’t trust my daughter’s boyfriend – what should I do?
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine asks a cautious mother whether prejudice could be clouding her judgements.
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“I don’t know what to do about the fact I just don’t trust my daughter’s boyfriend, and don’t know what to do for the best. She is in her late 20s and has had several unsuccessful relationships. He is in his early 40s and from Romania originally.
“I feel he is trying to manipulate her into doing things I think she’ll regret. He’s told her he already has a house in his own country, and so therefore he cannot afford one here too. But now he’s trying to encourage her to take out a mortgage and share the cost of buying one with him. He says his parents are rich people and that his father was high up in the military, yet when I met his parents, they seemed to be poor to me.
“I wish I could just find out the truth and warn my daughter against him, but I don’t know how.”
Fiona says…
“I wonder how much of your mistrust of this man is based on the fact he is from a different country and is a lot older than your daughter as well? From what you say, the age gap between them is not massive, and plenty of successful relationships have a far larger age gap than this. Could the fact he is foreign be affecting your feelings about him? If so, I think you need to examine your reaction to him, to be sure it isn’t simply based on prejudice.
“What seems normal in one culture can be very different in another, and with differing standards of wealth, it may well be that in his country his parents are rich. The UK is an expensive place to live, after all, and buying a home here is getting more and more expensive. Increasingly, because of this, more and more people are looking at sharing the cost of mortgages – often with friends as well as people they are in a relationship with.
Talk to your daughter before jumping to any conclusions...
“You don’t say how your daughter feels about him – are you suggesting she is blinded by love? I think you should try to talk to your daughter before jumping to any conclusions. She is an adult and if she is going to make mistakes, you cannot prevent her.
“Talk to her and see what he is bringing to the financial side of this relationship – he may, for example, not have the capital to purchase a house, but a greater income than she does. You might help her more and indeed stand a better chance of finding out the truth if you were more friendly towards him and his parents. That way, you should be able to assess the true position better.
“Finally, do advise your daughter that, where property is concerned, she would be wise to formalise, through a solicitor, the arrangement for her share of the house. That goes for anyone sharing a property – whoever they are sharing with!”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.