This is what’s going on for your partner during menopause – and how to support them
Learning about the symptoms, offering support and being a good listener are some things you can do to support your partner.
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Menopause and perimenopause – the years leading up to it – can be a physically and mentally turbulent time, and can impact relationships in various ways.
As the partner of someone going through it, educating yourself about what’s going on can make a big difference.
“For most women, the menopause is a natural stage of life when oestrogen levels decline and periods stop,” says Dr Samantha Wild, women’s health clinical lead at Bupa Health Clinics.
“You are said to have reached the menopause when you haven’t had a period for at least 12 months, and after this time you are postmenopausal. Menopause usually happens between the ages of 45 and 55.”
However, often when people talk about ‘going through the menopause’ they’re actually talking about perimenopause too.
“The perimenopause is when a women’s hormone levels start to change as their ovaries stop working, but it’s before their periods stop completely,” explains Wild.
The symptoms can be vast
Perimenopause and menopause can cause a wide range of physical and mental symptoms – some obvious and some a lot more vague.
“Some will experience a variety of physical symptoms, such as hot flushes, night sweats, joint pain, difficulty sleeping, itchy skin, dry skin, dry eyes,” says Dr Claire Phipps, GP and BMS menopause specialist at London Gynaecology. “People may also experience genitourinary symptoms such as vaginal dryness, change to menstrual cycles, pain during sex, recurrent thrush/UTIs, and needing to pass urine more frequently.”
Wild adds: “Your partner might experience feeling low, anxiety, mood swings, problems with memory and concentration, low energy and motivation, irritability, aggression, panic attacks, new fears and phobias, brain fog and low self-esteem.”
Not everyone’s experience is the same
Although there are common symptoms, every woman’s experience with menopause is unique. The severity and combination of symptoms can vary significantly.
“Whilst some women may breeze through with minimal symptoms, others face intense physical and emotional challenges,” explains Dr Louise Newson, GP and menopause specialist. “Many different factors come into play, like genetics, lifestyle and stress all play a part in the severity and duration of symptoms.”
Symptoms can last for years
One common misconception is that menopause happens suddenly, or is solely about hot flashes.
“In reality, it often starts with perimenopause, which can last for years before menopause,” explains Newson. “There’s also a common perception that menopause is something you simply ‘go through’ and then come out the other side.
“In truth, once a woman enters menopause, her body remains hormonally deficient, unless those hormones are replaced. Menopause therefore lasts for ever. Understanding this ongoing impact is crucial for supporting your partner through the entire journey, not just the immediate symptoms.”
Here are some thing you can do to support your partner…
Be patient
“Menopause brings all sort of funky things to the table – emotional changes, physical discomfort, cognitive changes, intimacy issues, stress, rage, anger and so on,” says Phipps. “A woman might feel fine one day and overwhelmed the next, so be patient.”
Learn about what is happening
“Educate yourself about menopause and its impact on sexual health, so you understand the changes your partner is experiencing,” advises Wild. “This will then help and empower you to more confidently talk to your partner about what is happening.
“However, don’t try and be a doctor for her, as this can sometimes feel patronising.”
Communicate
“Talking and communication is key – remember that people are not telepathic,” emphasises Hannah Alderson, BANT registered nutritionist and hormone specialist. “There is no right or wrong way to approach things. Be loving, kind, and talk, and just do your best.”Remember to listen
“Ask them how they are feeling and listen when they speak to you about what they are going through,” recommends Wild. “They may not feel comfortable to open up about all the symptoms yet, but by listening to them, it lets them know you’re there to support them.”
Encourage healthy habits
“Eating healthily, exercising regularly and reducing alcohol intake can help reduce stress, improve sleep, and improve their mood as they start to feel better about themselves,” says Wild. “Exercising with your partner or experimenting with cooking healthy meals together may also help with reconnecting.”
Recognise that sexual desire and comfort may change
“Have open, respectful conversations about sexual needs and adjustments,” advises Phipps. “Be willing to explore alternatives and solutions for any sexual difficulties, such as lubricants, different sexual activities, or no sex at all.”
Encourage your partner to seek support
“If appropriate, go along to the appointment too,” suggests Phipps. “Support comes in lots of different forms, it might be a menopause cafe or a support group for example.”