How healthy are you?

1. What is your waist measurement?

1. What is your waist measurement?

a) Svelte (under 35 inches)

b) Fine Figure of a Man (35-40 inches)

c) Big-boned (over 40 inches)

2. How many cigarettes do you smoke (on average)?

a) None

b) Hardly any at all. Except in the evenings You know, socially. Only with a drink... (1-14)

c) I'm trying to cut down (15-24)

d) Got a light? (25 plus)

3. How many alcoholic drinks do you consume each day (on average)?

a) Never touch the stuff (0)

b) Just a glass of wine with dinner (1-2)

c) Just the one pint after work (3-4)

d) Another bottle, old boy? (five or more)

4. How physically active are you?

a) I'm thinking of joining a gym (none)

b) Moderate (e.g. brisk walking, swimming, golf, dancing for at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week)

c) Vigorous exercise for 20-30 minutes, three times a week

5. How much fruit and vegetables do you eat each day?

a) You mean the shredded lettuce that comes with a doner kebab? (none)

b) Some (1-4 apple-sized portions)

c) Loads (more than five apple-sized portions)

6. Do you deliberately limit the amount of fat you eat?

a) Yes

b) No

7. When you have sex with a new partner (assuming you're about to, or planning to, or likely to), do you/would you always use a condom?

a) Yes

b) No way

8. Do you find it easy to talk about your feelings?

a) Yes

b) Can we change the subject?

9. Do you have trouble sleeping?

a) No

b) What? Sorry, I drifted off

10. Feel stressed?

a) Nah

b) Yes I bloody well do, if it's any of your goddamned business

11. Do you regularly have problems achieving an erection which is good enough for sex?

a) No

b) Yes

12. Now it gets serious. Do you frequently or constantly experience one or more of these problems?

* Feeling low or miserable

* Difficulty getting to sleep

* Waking up in the night

* A loss of interest in sex

* Losing weight

* Performing less well at work

* Becoming withdrawn, and feeling unable to talk

* Worrying more than usual

* Feeling more irritable than usual

* Complaining more about vague physical symptoms

13. Have you one or more of these problems?

* Chest pain

* A change in bowel or bladder habits

* A persistent sore throat, nagging cough or hoarseness

* Unusual bleeding or discharge

* Thickening or lump in the testicles or elsewhere

* Persistent indigestion

* Difficulty in swallowing

* Obvious change in size or bleeding of a mole

How did you score?

Scoring: For questions 1-5, score 0 for each (a), 2 for a (b), 4 for a (c), and 6 for a (d). For questions 6-11, score 0 for each (a), and 2 for each (b). For questions 12 and 13, score one for each point you answer 'yes' to.

0-6: Congratulations! You are in tip-top condition, fit as a flea, sound as a bell, a credit to your gender, an extremely lucky man and you are probably lying through your teeth. Nobody could be that healthy.

7-17: The good news is, you're a very average chap, health-wise, taking the usual risks, neglecting your health in the usual ways. You're not the worst offender, you're not in imminent danger, but you know things could be a lot better. Sleep problems, stress and worry, genito-urinary disarray are all things you can and should discuss with your doctor.

18 or more: Well, you're just asking for trouble, aren't you? You are shockingly unhealthy, neglectful, indolent, reckless of your well-being (who do you think you are, Keith Richards?) slothful, insomniac, neurotic and displaying some alarming symptoms. Do not just seek medical attention. Go and get it this minute.

Seriously, some of these answers could suggest problems that warrant a doctor's attention. In particular, if you answered yes to questions 11, 12 or 13, it's probably worth going for a check-up. In question 13, the first answer could be a sign of heart trouble, the others may point to cancer.