Virginia Ironside: Dilemmas

Dear Virginia, I'm divorced from my first husband, but I still really love his mother, who I still chat to by phone and meet for coffee etc. She has always been kind to me and while she didn't take sides when we split up, she never blamed me. I'm happily remarried, but I don't get on nearly as well with my new mother-in-law. I know my new mother-in-law is jealous, and my husband isn't very pleased, but what can I do? Best wishes, Maddy

It seems to me no wonder you don't get on well with your new mother-in-law if she's such a mean-spirited woman that she can't be anything but pleased that you have such a good relationship with your old one. After all, friendship is hard to come by, and we must grab it when we can, and you and your first mother-in-law must have much more in common – a shared history for a start – than you have with your new one at the moment.

You don't say if you have children, but obviously if your first mother-in-law were a granny this would make your relationship more understandable and less difficult for the new mother-in-law. But it doesn't sound as if you do, and I'm wondering if you're thinking of having children with your new husband? If so, you'll find that when they come along, your relationship with his mother will probably change dramatically. It'll either get far, far worse or, when you see how much your children love her and enjoy her visits (if they do, that is!) you'll see sides of her that you weren't able to acknowledge before. And anyway, you'll have a common interest, which will help conversation and general closeness.

You could, of course, try to suck up to your new mother-in-law – buy her something she'd like (presents can be a great way of soothing hurt feelings if they're chosen with care) or even grit your teeth and ask her to go to a movie with you on her own. You won't have to speak a lot, but just the act of asking will make her feel more loved and wanted. It's only kindness to make her feel less slighted, and you might find that a small gesture of affection, even if it's not meant to start with, would make the world of difference to her.

It's always worth remembering that with time, relationships change. Your old mother-in-law may drift away, or your new one may suddenly get another interest... and there is something to be said for simply acknowledging that at the moment you're in a difficult spot. Perhaps there is nothing you can actually "do". You love your old mother-in-law more than you love your new one. She feels slighted and your husband, because he loves her, feels upset on her behalf. That's about the sum of it. As long as you do as much as you can to conceal your dislike of your new mother-in-law, and learn to live with her disagreeableness and her jealousy, there's not a lot more you can do.

Reassure your husband

I don't know whether you have any children, but, if so, it is important for them to remain on good terms with their grandmother. If there are no children involved, you still have every right to remain friends with your ex-mother-in-law. Reassure your husband that this does not mean you are hankering for your past marriage, and make an effort with his mother. If you have tried your best to get on, but difficulties with her still exist, then the jealousy is her problem and should not be allowed to dictate the friends you choose.

Christine Burton

Eastbourne, East Sussex

Give her a chance

I think it's wonderful that you still have a good relationship with your ex-mother-in-law. My brother's ex-mother-in-law is a very good family friend and is actually coming to my house for Christmas dinner, as she has done for many years. My brother's new wife is very understanding of this and always includes her in family events – after all, she is her stepdaughter's grandmother.

So many relationships break down when a marriage ends. Families often feel that they have to take sides, which is a shame because not only do people loose their spouses but also their extended families.

As wonderful as it is that you are still good friends I think you should still allow room in your life for your new mother-in-law. Try to imagine you husband having such a good relationship with his ex partner's family and not showing an interest in you family.

If you give your current mother-in-law a chance maybe she could become a good friend like your ex mother in law did.

Shereen

By email

Dear Virginia,

I'm 20 and at university, and my parents divorced a long time ago. I've always lived with my father because my mother went off with her lover when I was ten and lives in France. I wasn't very happy when my father met a new woman and she moved in with him, but he's just told me she's pregnant. He seems pleased about it – but I feel so upset and jealous I don't know what to do. I know he has his life to live and I understand his girlfriend wants a family, but it doesn't stop me feeling depressed and angry. Should I discuss this with him? I don't want to cause a rift.

Yours sincerely, Beth

What would you advise Beth to do? Email your dilemmas and comments to dilemmas@independent.co.uk or go to independent.co.uk/dilemmas. Anyone whose advice is quoted will receive a £25 voucher from the wine website Naked Wines ( Nakedwines.com)