Reader Dilemma: 'My friend always falls for hopeless men – how can I tell her the latest is yet another loser?'

My friend is always falling for hopeless men. But recently, she said she had found someone new – and she has been raving about him. She’s obsessed and says that at last she’s managed to buck the trend and find someone responsible – a sensitive man who will also care for her. But yesterday I met him and I’m afraid I can see he’s just another hanger-on, a total loser. I’ve talked to a few mutual friends and they all agree. Is there any way I can tell her this without her getting angry and upset? I hate to see her about to get hurt yet again.

Yours sincerely, Sue

Some women just are irresistibly drawn to hopeless men. Who knows why. It could be because one of her parents was very dependent and being in a caring role makes her feel in some way at home. Unpleasant as it is in one way, and burdensome in another, it’s familiar and cosy. It’s the devil she knows.

Or it could be that, even though she couldn’t help her mother or father turn into the person she needed to nurture her, some primal bit of her still feels that if only she could help the person she’s closest to, he’ll eventually change and become the parent of her dreams.

She may even be aware of this pattern. It sounds from what you say that at least she’s clued up enough to know to avoid the obvious disasters. She’s learnt something so far and has at least a modicum of insight and self-knowledge.

Unfortunately, that subconscious bit of her never seems to communicate with the conscious bit, so it draws her towards unsuitable men, and manipulates her into thinking that these men are somehow “different” to the others.

It has to be said that many hopeless men have, again, a daddy-like veneer, which soon fades when you get to know them better. They’re like the monsters in science fiction films. Halfway through the relationship, they unpeel their human faces and reveal the needy monsters underneath.

So it’s no surprise that your friend is seduced by this man. It often takes kissing a lot of frogs to discover that none of them is going to turn into a prince, and this is just another step along her learning curve. I’m afraid no amount of warning on your part will shake her of her conviction that this is the bloke of her dreams. You’re right – she would feel angry and betrayed if you did.

Surely you’ve had obsessions in the past? And then, months later, the scales fall from your eyes and you realise that you’ve been completely fooled? What was obvious to all your friends from the outset suddenly becomes clear. But until this happens, no amount of reasoning from kindly well-wishers will persuade you that the man is anything other than a saint made in heaven.

You don’t have to rave over your friend’s new man. Just be reasonably detached and cool. You may discover that you’re right. Or you may find that he has hidden qualities that even you can’t see after one meeting. All you can do at the moment, however, is simply wait and, when the scales do start falling, be there to offer comfort and support.

Your friend can avoid the obvious losers. Now she just has to learn to avoid the pretenders, too. And try to hope that after this unhappy episode, she’ll be even more wary of those men she finds irresistible.

Get to know him better

You have only met him once, so you may be wrong. Words to your friend can only alienate her – and she may need your support later. You could try simply absorbing him into your circle, so that his faults will become apparent by contrast. Invite him to as many pay-Dutch events as possible, along with the other mutual friends and their (presumably) non-loser partners, and if your friend has to keep paying her man’s share, she might see the light. Or he might reveal hidden virtues.

Moyra

by email

It’s her mistake to make

You don’t say why your friend’s new man is apparently a loser. We can form judgements of others so quickly and easily. Think about exactly what he’s said or done to make you dislike him and whether that opinion is really fair. Sometimes, we look down on the people who those close to us choose to adore, but if there’s something there that your friend sees in him that you don’t, she will deeply resent any harsh criticism.

While obsessed with him, nothing bad you say about the relationship can change such feelings anyway. It may even cause them to bond more closely and make you a negative influence in her life – you and other companions won’t just upset her by calling him a loser, you may push her away or cause a complete falling out.

Keep a lid on it. If, indeed, your friend is about to get hurt yet again, falling for hopeless men is her mistake to make. All you can do is be there and support her when things go wrong.

Emilie Lamplough

by email

Be more specific

Does your friend worry that she falls for “hopeless men”? Does she acknowledge the fact ? If so, that may make it easier to raise your concerns with her, but please be specific. After meeting him just once, you perceived him as “another hanger-on, a total loser”. Tell your friend you are concerned about her new partner, but give reasons for your conclusion.

Norma Postin

Rugby

Save her from herself

Personally, I think that as the friend who generally has to pick up the pieces when her relationships go wrong, you have earned the right to wade in now. Save her from herself.

H Barber

Sheffield

I love my girlfriend, but the problem is that she’s endlessly trying to discuss our relationship. We’ll go out for dinner and she starts analysing it, and wondering about our motives and what we want out of it and then picks over every little thing in detail. I am finding it exhausting, and also I’m not really interested. I just want to be with her and have a great time. I’ve tried to explain this, but she says I’m just trying to avoid the “issues”. Do you think I’ve got my head in the sand? Sometimes I dread seeing her for fear one of these relationship dissections will start.

Yours sincerely,

Ben