What the world’s happiest children tell us about where Britain is going wrong

As a country facing an overwhelming array of challenges, from the cost-of-living crisis to a faltering NHS, we often feel punch-drunk trying to work out what needs fixing first. But if there’s one big thing we should be starting to look at urgently – how, as a country, can we bring up happier children?

A poll for Girlguiding found that girls’ happiness has been steadily on the decline since they started measuring it 15 years ago. Nine out of 10 seven- to 21-year-olds feel worried or anxious, and only 17 per cent now feel “very happy” – less than half the percentage in 2009.

It’s hard to imagine a future bleaker than one where our children have lost hope before they’ve even begun. Yet this continuing downward curve feels predictable and unstoppable. Last year’s Good Childhood Report found the same thing – that the happiness of UK children has fallen to its lowest levels since The Children’s Society also started tracking it in 2009.

That was the same year I wrote my first parenting book in an early bid to work out what was going wrong for our children and help head it off for my own two daughters, Lily and Clio, then aged three and six. Since then, I've written many more to help analyse some of the contributing factors, but even with this awareness, there have been some near misses parenting my own girls, now 18 and 21. And among the parents I have met over the years there are endless and traumatic tales of eating disorders, body dysmorphia, sexual bullying, school anxiety and suicidal ideation.

We are never going to be able to address these problems unless, as a nation, we start taking responsibility for them. Every time a new global poll of child wellbeing comes out, the UK languishes near the bottom. So what can we learn from the ones at the top?

Netherlands

According to Unicef, the Netherlands is the country with the happiest children. Research consistently shows that children here love spending time with their families – and that more relaxed, happier parents tend to have happier kids.

So the Dutch work-life balance – and the fact that parents are likely to be around more to eat and play with their kids – is a key factor in their first place ranking. Only 0.5 per cent of the Dutch regularly work very long hours, the lowest rate in the OECD, working an average of 30.3 hours, compared with the UK average of 36.4 hours.

It's not just that UK parents aren't around as much to connect with their children. Tired, stressed parents are also less able to manage their own feelings. Child clinical psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin believes British parents are over-stressed themselves. “Kids tend to be happier in countries where the parents are happy as emotions are contagious. But it seems to me that many parents in the UK are struggling to be happy.”

And this has a corrosive effect. Research from new UK charity Words Matter this month found that seven in ten British children believe stress on adults lead them to say mean, or unkind things to them like “You’re useless”, “You’re stupid”, “You’re worthless”, which children then internalise.

Child mental health expert, Dr Fiona Pienaar, says: “We can all get overloaded sometimes, particularly with a poor work-life balance.

“But it’s important to acknowledge the potential long-term damage that words said under stress can have on children’s happiness and mental health.”

Denmark

Children at UK primary schools have 45 minutes less break time a week than in 1995, while secondary pupils have 65 minutes less, according to research in 2019 from University College London.

UK schools have been cutting back playtime since 2006, according to the Nuffield Foundation, due to the demands of school curriculums and the pressure on schools to get good exam results. By contrast, Danish teachers and parents see play as an essential part of learning.

Danish psychotherapist Iben Sandahl, author of The Danish Way of Raising Teens, says: “Free play holds a significant role in our parenting approach.

“Danish children are encouraged to engage in play with minimal restrictions. This allows them to explore their boundaries, learn and grow within their zone of development.

“By contrast, in the UK, structured activities often take precedence over free play, which can sometimes limit a child's ability to personalise and truly absorb the lessons taught through these activities. It’s paramount for wellbeing.”

UK special educational needs tutor Georgina Durrant, author of 100 Ways Your Child Can Learn Through Play, also noticed differences in the attitude to play when she visited Denmark this summer.

“Danish children were often allowed to play 'out' safely still,” she says. “I also noticed huge differences in the way play was viewed by Danish families. It wasn’t seen as just something children did, but something the whole family could be part of.

“Parents were joining in. There were no parents sitting on the sidelines on their phones.”

Norway

According to research, the tradition of children being seen and not heard, fostered by a British invention of nannies and boarding schools, still casts a long shadow here in the UK.

The last Good Childhood Report UKfound that children tend to feel they are not listened to, particularly at school, contributing to a sense of helplessness. One in five British children say they do not feel they have a say in decisions over what happens to them at school, it found.

Compare this to the 93 per cent of Norwegian children who feel heard at school, a factor that has been strongly linked to kids enjoying education more.

Beyond this, Norwegian parents also believe in allowing their children a greater sense of control over their lives, says Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee, clinical psychologist at Kove, a mental healthcare clinic.

“Their self-worth is less attached to whether their child is ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

“So children tend to have increased freedom that can be seen in their ability to express themselves and play independently, for example. As a result, children feel less ‘boxed in’, meaning there's an opportunity for them to explore more and grow in a safe psychological environment.”

Rudkin adds: “Assessments and targets starting in primary and school league tables increase the pressure on schools and teachers to produce results – and that pressure filters down to the kids who also get told there’s only one to succeed by passing exams.”

Switzerland

The age when British parents allow children to go outside the home alone or play without supervision has continued to rise over recent decades.

A poll of 3,000 parents found the average age for this freedom has now hit ten and a half, compared to seven for their parent’s generation.

Families cited “stranger danger” as the biggest fear, with half saying this worried them the most, while just over four in 10 said traffic was their top concern.

By contrast, Swiss parents tend to allow their children to do more on their own at a much younger age, including playing outside and walking to school, often around six or seven years old.

And while Swiss kids also own a similar number of devices as UK children, they spend half the time on screens compared to UK kids.

“From walking to school, to playing outdoors for hours without strict supervision, children in Switzerland have more autonomy, independence, and freedom compared to most children in the UK and the rest of the world,” says educationalist and former teacher, Ana Lorena Fábrega, author of The Learning Game.

“Swiss parents understand that kids do best when given the freedom to make choices and decisions, fail and navigate through the ups and downs of life.”

As Ivy League educator Julie Lythcott-Haims points out in her book How to Raise an Adult, not trusting children to go it alone sends the message: “Kids, you actually can’t do any of this without me.”

In turn, a range of research has found this creates more vulnerable and anxious young people, who believe they can't handle challenges.

Finland

Formal schooling does not start until the age of seven – compared to four or five in the UK – and when children do begin school, they have much less homework.

However, it’s become famous for having a school system that is the envy of the world. Here there are no Ofsted inspections, no national exams until the final year of school, and no educational league tables.

This contrasts sharply with the UK where children get more public tests than any other schooling system in the world and schools, and therefore pupils, are continually ranked.

However, the biggest difference, say Finnish educators, is that their children are treated as individuals with different talents rather than being pushed through a cookie-cutter exam system of Sats, GCSEs and A-levels – all aimed at the same goal of university.

England’s Children’s Commissioner has already voiced concern about the levels of stress found among children caused by our education system.

In their survey of 2,000 eight to 17- year-olds focusing on stress levels, two-thirds (66 per cent) said they were most stressed about homework and/or exams, ahead of worrying about what other people think of them (39 per cent) and bullying (25 per cent).

Finnish educator Professor Pasi Sahlberg, author of Finnish Lessons 2.0: What Can the World Learn From Education Change in Finland, says: “The whole ethos of education (in Finland) is different.

“The main philosophy of schooling in Finland is to try to teach everyone to be different and foster individual talents and strengths.”

Tanith Carey is the author of ‘What’s my Child Thinking? Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents’