5 tips on negotiating with your child – from a former FBI hostage negotiator
Ex-FBI man Chris Voss tells Lisa Salmon how to use specialist tactics to deal with uncooperative kids.
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Your support makes all the difference.Now kids are back at school, many parents are having to deal with little ones who’ve been good for their teacher all day and are tired and grumpy when they get home.
That can lead to tantrums and tears from youngsters who just don’t want to cooperate – and frustrated parents who don’t know how to deal with them.
But help is at hand from an unexpected source – a former FBI negotiator.
Chris Voss spent 24 years working for the FBI, becoming the bureau’s lead international hostage negotiator. But after leaving the organisation, he realised the skills he honed dealing with bank robbers, gang leaders and terrorists (he was a member of the New York City Joint Terrorist Task Force for 14 years) were far more widely applicable.
He explains that high-stakes negotiation tactics work throughout every aspect of life, from business negotiations to parenting crises, and says: “Let me paint a picture for you – a room in chaos. Toys everywhere, maybe a cookie jar mysteriously half-empty, and the small, stubborn human responsible is standing firm, ready to engage in what they think is a high-stakes negotiation.
“Now, picture yourself stepping into that room not as a parent on the verge of frustration but as a hostage negotiator, fully equipped with the tools to defuse the situation without raising your voice or losing your cool.
“See, hostage negotiation isn’t just for talking down bank robbers or diffusing international crises. At its core, it’s about understanding human behaviour – and kids are just tiny humans with big emotions.
“If you can handle a desperate kidnapper, you can handle a five-year-old who refuses to eat their broccoli.”
Voss, author of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It, explains that negotiation isn’t about getting your way, it’s about guiding the other person to feel like they’re getting theirs.
“When dealing with kids, you can’t just bark orders and expect compliance,” he says. “They need to feel heard, understood, and involved in the decision-making process.”
Voss says this is where ‘tactical empathy’, one of the cornerstones of hostage negotiation, comes into play. He explains that tactical empathy is about deeply understanding the emotions and perspectives of the other person and using that understanding to guide the conversation.
And to illustrate how parents can use tactical empathy to deal with their kids, he’s broken the method down into what he calls “actionable tactics”…
1. Label their emotions
Voss advises mums and dads to vocally describe to their child what they think they’re feeling during a flashpoint situation. “When your child is in meltdown mode, the first thing you do is label their feelings,” he says, explaining that parents might say something like: ‘It seems like you’re upset because you want to keep playing instead of going to bed.’
“This doesn’t just calm them down, it builds a bridge of understanding,” he says.
2. Use ‘mirrors’There are no actual mirrors involved in this tactic, it’s just repeating the last few words your child says.
Voss says: “If they scream ‘I don’t want to!’ you respond with ‘You don’t want to?’ This simple technique shows that you’re listening, encourages them to elaborate, and buys you time to figure out your next move.”
3. Ask calibrated questions
Instead of asking yes/no questions like, ‘Can you please put your toys away?’, Voss suggests parents try something like, ‘How do you think we should clean up?’ or, ‘What happens if we leave these toys out?’ He explains: “These questions engage them in the process, making them more likely to cooperate because they feel like it’s their idea.”
4. Beware the ‘no’ trap
Voss explains that children love saying no because it gives them power, so he suggests: “Instead of trying to get them to say yes, try framing your questions to get a no that actually helps you. Ask ‘Would it be ridiculous to clean up before we go out to play?’.
“While they get the satisfaction of saying no, you’re steering the situation to where you want it.”
5. Use silence
After you ask a question or make a statement, resist the urge to fill the silence, advises Voss. “It’s a powerful tool that can make even the most defiant kid reconsider their stance,” he says.
And he adds: “The next time you’re staring down the barrel of a toddler tantrum, remember – you’ve got the skills to negotiate your way out of it. It’s not about overpowering your child, it’s about understanding them, guiding them, and most importantly, making them feel like they’re in control while you subtly steer the ship.”
The audiobook of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It by Chris Voss is published by Penguin Audio, £12. Available now.