Reader dilemma: We found our uncle's daughter who he hasn't seen for 16 years on Facebook - should be contact her?

A dear uncle of ours hasn’t seen his 20-year-old daughter (our cousin) for 16 years. His ex-wife took the child to live seven hours away. Visits were made so difficult, he stopped going. He is single and gets on with life. We recently found his daughter on Facebook and have encouraged him to contact her. But he is reluctant, fearing his daughter’s rejection because he thinks he’s ‘not good enough’ for her. Should we send a note via Facebook ourselves to see how the land lies? He’s longed to see her again for 16 years.

Yours sincerely, Brian and Anne

Remember that this girl is not only your uncle’s daughter. She is your cousin as well, and as such I don’t think anyone could object to your trying to contact her, whether her father is interested or not.

If she wants to know why her father doesn’t contact her directly, then you can tell her the truth – that although he has always loved her, he’s terrified that she’ll reject him. You, on the other hand, her cousins, would love to make contact, find out more about her life and check up on family connections.

And anyway, aren’t you interested yourselves, deep down, to get in touch with her? From your email it seems as if you would only be contacting her on behalf of her father. But wouldn’t you be riveted to find a new relation?

Relations are odd. Although it’s said that you can choose your friends but can’t choose your family – and this remark is meant to make out that relations are less special than friends – you will nearly always find shared family characteristics with relations, even if they have been brought up in completely different surroundings, as your cousin has. There’s a genetic link – and that’s something you can’t share with friends. Sometimes, relations look a bit like you or have the same habit, such as twiddling their hair. Sometimes they have the same interests. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to find out – and, while you’re at it, perhaps bring your uncle some joy as he gets older? It sounds as if he’s been unable to move on since this rift. Do you think that meeting his daughter would relieve his mind of the terrible burden he’s been carrying for so long?

And yes, relations can be a bit of a problem. Christmas is on the way and relatives loom. When you’re young they can often they seem like aliens – terrible aunts you’re forced to kiss, uncles whose jokes you have to laugh at. But as you get older, you can find that blood is thicker than water (another hackneyed phrase) and that there are deep, primeval bonds with those who share some of our ancestry.

If you tell your uncle that you’re going to make this approach, there’s a chance he will try to put you off, which would, of course, make it extremely difficult for you. He’d discourage you because he would take a rejection of you as a rejection of him. But it’s a completely different scenario with you. You could cope with a rejection, while he’d find it very hard indeed. So I wouldn’t dream of letting him know what you’re doing, and only mention it if she responds positively. Why risk his being hurt?

If you get in touch and hear nothing or get a rude message, you won’t have lost anything. If you get a positive reply, you could possibly change lives. You’ve got nothing to lose.

Don’t put pressure on her

It is really up to your uncle whether he contacts his daughter or not – not you. I was adopted and made it clear to my birth mother, who contacted me, that I didn’t want to meet. I have had a happy upbringing and regard my adoptive parents as my “real” parents. After this, I was pestered with letters and phone calls from her family, begging me to get in touch, and they started to make my life a misery. Eventually, I gave in, but it wasn’t a happy meeting and I think we would both have been happier without it.

I know your situation is not quite the same, but I really advise caution before you get in touch. Perhaps your uncle knows more about the real situation than he lets on.

name and address supplied

You don’t know the whole story

Firstly, I think that any young person of your cousin’s age would easily be able to track down missing family members – yourselves or your uncle – on Facebook or otherwise, if she had wanted to. The fact that she has chosen not to doesn’t necessarily mean that she would respond badly to an approach from you or her father, but you should bear in mind that she probably has this option and has not seen fit to take it.

Secondly, remember that you only have your uncle’s account of his relationship with his ex-wife and daughter, and the reasons for the failed contact after the marriage broke down. There are two sides to every story, and while this is now in the past and he may have every chance of forming a new bond with his daughter, you should consider that things might be more complicated than you know. I think you should approach her without mentioning him or telling him, and take it from there – slowly and cautiously.

F Crawford

Southampton

You mustn’t miss this chance

I urge you to get in touch with your cousin. I grew up without a father – he left and returned to his home country when I was a baby and I’ve never managed to trace him. I would dearly love to be able to see him again and fill in the missing pieces in my life. I’m well aware that he may not be what I’d hope for in a father, and my mother has even hinted as much. I still want to meet him. Allow her this opportunity before it is too late.

Helene

by email

I’ve always thought my partner’s relationship with his mother was too close. But now we’ve moved nearer her, it’s unbearable for me. They discuss their sex lives, kiss on the lips and he runs to her for support if we have a row. He’s been watching mother and son pornography and harbours voyeuristic photos of her on his phone. She doesn’t like me and always tries to belittle me when I visit. It feels like she is jealous of me and wants me out of the equation. I love him but I’m finding all this to be a turn-off. And I don’t know how to stop the pair of them ruining my relationship.

Yours sincerely,

Sheila

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