‘I’m happy - it’s going to be drama free’: The people relieved to spend Christmas apart from their families

After a year of pandemic hardship, the government gave Britain what it thought the country wanted; the festive season with family. But for Alex* from London, it couldn't be further from what he wants to wake up to on Christmas Day. The 28-year-old businessman has decided that instead of spending 23-27 December cramped into a small flat with several of his relatives, he is flying halfway around the world to celebrate Christmas with his mother.

Adam says in a normal year they spend the day with his grandfather - “he seems incapable of talking to me” - and his aunt. But this year he will be enjoying the sunshine in Dubai - temperatures normally sit around 26 degrees on Christmas Day. “I’m [going] to avoid certain family members… in a completely different country, adding excess miles between us.

“To say I’m feeling relieved is an understatement,” he tells The Independent. “I’m extremely happy that it’s going to be a drama and toxic-free environment for me this year. Normally I have to brace myself but this time around I can spend it how I like.”

Traditionally, the festive season is portrayed in popular culture and the media as a time when families flock together in merry herds. Christmas films like Home Alone or Love Actually are all about loved ones reuniting over a turkey buffet; the John Lewis advert doesn’t exactly celebrate the joy of being on your own with a tin of Quality Street for one. Since childhood it is ingrained in us that Christmas is a time for togetherness.

But this belies the reality of the season for many. It is well documented that divorce rates rise after Christmas (in 2019, court records show 13 people even completed the divorce forms on the day itself); domestic violence rates rise; broken families split across multiple households and children with divorced parents struggling with torn loyalties; others broken by the absence of lost family members. Families have the ability to push our buttons like no one else - especially after a year that has already seen such a strain on people’s health and finances.

Of course this year plans have had to shape up a little differently. After months of people suspecting they may be kept away from relatives over the holiday, the government announced it would be relaxing the laws to allow three households to mix in a “Christmas bubble” from 23 to 27 December. While this might have been the news many were holding out for, for others it has scuppered plans to stay away from the in-laws or that uncle you hated.

As a result, some are choosing to use the remaining limitations (and continued anxiety around socialising) as an excuse to forgo the annual dysfunctional family visit altogether.

Saurav Dutt, 38, from Warwick, will also not be visiting his family for Christmas. Aside from trying to stick to the rules, the author and political analyst says he will be keeping his distance out of fear that conversation topics arising from what has been a “very polarising year” will fan the flames of underlying domestic disputes.

“This particular year will bring up a lot of 'hot' and potentially volatile topics that will be matches to kerosene among toxic family members,” he says. “Politics is a key element of our households and there are likely to be some potentially explosive conversations about Biden and Trump, lockdown, vaccines, Boris Johnson and the UK government's dealing of the pandemic.”

Dutt says for him it has already been a “mentally exhausting year” and he has made the decision to stay away in a bid to retain some control over his feelings throughout the holiday. “I could do without those sometimes depressing conversations,” he says.

Adam and Dutt aren’t alone in their delight that this year Christmas will put a one-day cease and desist on a family Christmas. On the Mumsnet forum, a thread fittingly titled “I don't give a f*** about Christmas” is filled with hundreds of comments from people glad to be spending the festive season apart from their relatives.

“I couldn't care less about Christmas. I'll be happy to spend it in my own house with dh [dear husband[ and dd [dear daughter]” one anonymous parent writes. “Every Christmas turns out the same in our family. My brothers are pissed, sil's [sister-in-law’s] faces are like thunder. My oldest sister will have too much to drink and fight with anyone, while my other sisters will pretend everything is great. All the kids spend the day fighting over toys and hitting each other. Just thinking about it I'm locking myself down.”

Although it can often feel like your family is more complicated than everyone else's, the issues that arise during Christmas are somewhat universal. According to a survey from relationship charity Relate, 44 per cent of UK adults said they have rowed with a family member during the festive period, while calls from unhappy couples and families whose problems have come to a head over Christmas increased by 12 per cent and website visits by 53 per cent in January. In a separate survey, the charity also found that one in five (19 per cent) of UK adults predict there will be political disputes over Christmas, while the most common areas of discord were drinking too much alcohol (16 per cent), personality clashes (14 per cent) and not agreeing on what to do (10 per cent). These are annual issues that arise for many families.

But, toxic behaviours aside, there are other reasons why some people have specifically chosen not to spend Christmas with their families this year as the coronavirus pandemic continues. Nicola Sturgeon has already warned Scots that just because they can see relatives over Christmas, it doesn’t mean they should and chief medical officer Chris Witty said that you shouldn’t hug elderly or vulnerable relatives if you “want them to survive” to be hugged again.

A recent YouGov survey found 64 per cent of Britons would be willing to celebrate Christmas without other households in 2020 if it meant “normal” life would return more quickly. Caroline White, 47, from Bath, normally travels across the country to spend the holidays with her elderly parents but, with both her mother and father battling various health problems, she refuses to put them at risk. Instead, she and her loved ones are contentedly organising a family FaceTime present opening session and will be playing games over Zoom.

“I do not want to be responsible for putting my parents at any risk of catching coronavirus,” she explains. “However tiny that risk is, it is still a risk. I would never forgive myself. It is the one Christmas present we can't give back.” Carol adds that she would rather look forward to spending quality time with her parents, without the anxiety of virus transmission, once a vaccine has been fully rolled out. “We are gutted not to be able to do this, especially as we have been so limited in seeing them this year, but we will be having Christmas at home.”

Downing Street will have breathed a sigh of relief that it does not face being branded the government grinch by keeping families apart, but for many a relaxation of the rules is not an automatic pass to see relatives. Whether for long standing reasons, but only now families feel emboldened to step away, or for fear of what Christmas together might cause come January.

It can be easy to dismiss probing personal questions or unwarranted criticisms as facetious but the truth is that for some people, being at home can be bad for their mental health. Whether you’re avoiding toxic family members or not, the festive season is supposed to be a time for love and cheer and, if achieving that means abandoning niceties so you don’t have to sit through the same political debates, feel unsettled or unaccepted, so be it.

If you have been affected by the issues raised in this article you can contact speak to a counsellor for free via Relate’s Live Chat service, which allows you to talk to a professional online for around 40 minutes.

*Some names have been changed