5 things new mums don’t talk about but should

Being a new mum brings a wealth of urgent questions – and perhaps just as many things that are left unsaid.

Because while new mums will usually need advice about standard how-tos, such as getting a breastfeeding baby to latch on, encouraging them to sleep more and how often to feed them, there are plenty of aspects of new motherhood that are rarely discussed – even though they’re just as important as the obvious new baby problems.

“In general, most new mums feel worried about addressing certain issues because there’s an incorrect belief that women should take to motherhood naturally or instinctively, whereas it’s a life transition like every other with huge responsibility and change,” says consultant clinical psychologist Dr Nihara Krause, founder and CEO of the parents and young people’s mental health charity Stem4.

Krause says mothers with a history of mental ill-health or perfectionism can be most vulnerable to failing to address important new mum issues.

And Amina Hatia, midwifery manager at the pregnancy and baby charity Tommy’s, adds: “It can sometimes feel as if we’re surrounded by ‘perfect’ images of parents with newborns, but the reality is usually much messier – and new mums shouldn’t feel afraid of sharing that reality with friends and family.”

Here’s what perinatal experts say some new mums may not talk about, even though they should…

1.  Anger and intrusive thoughts

Many “unhelpful stigmas” perpetuate the myth that new mums should enjoy every moment, which isn’t realistic, warns Sally Bunkham, director of communications and partnerships at the perinatal mental health charity PANDAS Foundation.

She says: “We know people find it hard to talk about lesser-known symptoms and feelings like anger, rage and intrusive thoughts (unwanted thoughts that might pop into our mind).”

Such thoughts and feelings are common, she says, and she urges new mums experiencing them to seek support from an organisation like PANDAS.

2.  Damage ‘down below’

Up to nine out of 10 women who have a vaginal birth for the first time will have some kind of tear or graze or an episiotomy (when a doctor or midwife makes a cut between the vagina and anus during childbirth), says Hatia.

“The physical changes your body goes through during pregnancy and childbirth don’t magically reverse themselves as soon as you’ve had your baby, and it’s important everyone is more honest about that,” she stresses.

And with an episiotomy or tear wounds, she explains: “These are usually minor and heal quickly but in some cases, where there’s more significant damage, the effects can be devastating. We don’t talk enough about how to cope with that.”

3.  Mental health problems

At least one in five women will experience mental health difficulties during pregnancy and the early years after giving birth, says Karen Middleton, head of campaigns and policy at the Maternal Mental Health Alliance.

“Despite being the most common complication of pregnancy in the UK, many women don’t feel able to talk about their mental health,” she explains, pointing out that 70% of women hide or downplay their symptoms.

“This shows stigma remains a huge concern which stops women from speaking out and being able to access help,” she says. “To help tackle fear and stigma, we need support for mental health to be as much a part of maternity care as monitoring the physical health of mothers and babies.

“This means women should be asked about their mental health sensitively and routinely by healthcare professionals at every appointment.”

4.  Coping with a new baby after previous pregnancy loss

The stress of new parenthood can be particularly difficult for those who’ve had a baby after a previous pregnancy loss, Hatia points out. “You might feel very guilty for having any negative thoughts about sleepless nights or struggles with breastfeeding, when you’ve longed so much for your baby,” she says.

“Having a rainbow baby after a loss can also bring a mix of emotions – joy after the birth of this baby, but also a deep sadness for the baby you never got to hold. It’s a tough balance, and it’s not always talked about, but it’s okay to feel both, and you don’t have to celebrate without acknowledging the pain.

“The crucial thing is to know you’re not alone. If you’re experiencing a particular emotion or physical difficulty as a new mum, it’s pretty much guaranteed that others are going through the same.”

5.  Adjusting to change

Getting used to motherhood can take time and needs support, stresses Krause.

“Bittersweet, there’s the joy of welcoming new, but also a secret pain of loss, whether it’s a change to practical issues such as freedom, finances, sleep or body confidence, or adjustments to identity, confidence or spousal/relationship roles.

“Talking about these with supportive people or a professional to cope if it feels difficult is helpful.”

She says each new development will need adjustments, and while talking to other new mums can sometimes help, occasionally it can be competitive and, as a result, unhelpful.

She says new mums should bear in mind this is a stressful, anxious time, and such feelings may cloud their perspective, and adds: “Be aware of your own insecurities, and reach out to people you know to be supportive and will listen, be non-judgmental and understand.

“Put away any guilt and see parenthood as a time to explore and adjust to discovering a new you.”