‘Is it fair to move our young son miles away from his grandparents?’

Dear Vix,

My wife and I are considering moving out of the town we live in to another town, a couple of hours away. We are really excited by the prospect, which would be life changing for us – in a positive way – but my parents seem upset by the news, particularly as they currently spend so much time with our young son. I actually fear that us moving could take away the only thing my parents enjoy doing together, and it could end up splitting them up. What should I do?

Colin, West Midlands

Dear Colin,

I have sympathy for you here – you are dealing with a lot of conflicting feelings, roles and family pressures, and you are speaking as both a son and a father. However, one thing strikes me more than any other: whereas before, when we are children, we tend to focus solely on our parents; you’re a dad, now. It’s time to put the needs of your immediate family first.

This may sound harsh – and I’m not telling you not to think about your mum and dad’s feelings. It’s a beautiful, loving thing that you’re so worried about the effect on them if you move away. You could be callous and uncaring, and just do it without taking their hearts into consideration, but you’re not. Give yourself credit. It’s not an easy decision, but you’re not doing it easily, either – so please try and feel a little less guilty about it.

We can spend our entire lives trying to please everyone – it won’t work. That’s just the harsh reality of life. Sometimes our need to keep everyone around us happy can be so strong that we end up sacrificing our own needs and wants in favour of taking care of others – this isn’t healthy either, and isn’t a good role model for your son as he grows up.

It’s a delicate balance: we naturally want to protect and care for those we love – our children, our parents, our romantic partners, our friends – but we also need to do what is right for us. There’s nothing selfish about that unless you frame it in that way.

What you do need to think about, carefully, is your feelings of responsibility around your parents’ relationship. I sense a whole load of unnecessary guilt and duty that you’re carrying here, and let me be frank: you are not in charge of whether or not your mum and dad stay together. You cannot carry that around with you – the weight (and pressure) is too much. You are not directly responsible for anyone’s happiness except for your own, and (at least while he is small and so dependent) your young son’s.

What you decide to do – to move away, or to stay – will not dictate what happens in your parents’ marriage. So, please rid yourself of that burden. That’s for them to figure out.

It might be worth unpicking (perhaps through therapy, if that feels right) why you are particularly driven towards being a caretaker, and to examine what makes you happy. To me, reading your letter, it sounds like you are actually rather excited by the prospect of moving away. “Life-changing” is a strong and positive word choice. That means it is likely to be the right one.

In terms of breaking the news to your parents, my main advice would be to do it sooner rather than later – don’t wait until you’re packing up boxes before you tell them you’re moving. Give them time to get used to the idea; but accept that they may need to go away and work it through, to come to terms with it. Nobody likes a bombshell.

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Steel yourself for some emotional responses to the news, but reiterate what we’ve all learned throughout the last 18 months of the pandemic – that distance doesn’t have to mean a lack of connection, that you will make every effort to visit them and would welcome them coming to you. Get the first date in the diary as soon as you are able – that will help give them something to look forward to.

Remind them of the practicalities of phone calls and FaceTime and even a quiz, for example, one night of the week. Maybe you can suggest a family holiday together when travel restrictions become easier.

Remember to tell them how important they are to both you and to your son, and how you want them to continue to play a major role in all your lives. They might just need a little bit of reassurance that they matter. Make sure you give it to them – and to yourself.

Victoria Richards is The Independent’s advice columnist. Having problems with work, love, family or friends? Contact DearVix@independent.co.uk