FANDANGO

DINERO FOR HER D-CUPS

I DON'T KNOW, these pop stars - Janet Jackson reinvents herself yet again for her new vid, "I Get Lonely" (which I can't stop singing at the moment). She's spotted by the MD of Gossard who was most impressed by her looks - chest more like (I bet he was) - and who immediately picked up the phone to her management team and offered them a pounds 1million deal to model her own range of Gossard undies! Like she needs the dinero!

THIS ONE'S FOR THE BOYS

I feel that I've been neglecting you chaps, always going on about girlie products, it's just that women's clothes are so much more exciting. Please do not agree with this statement or I shall worry about you. Anyway, read on boys, as here are a few items that might take your fancy. Alfred Dunhill, one of the world's leading luxury brands, in association with Bonhams, will be holding the first auction devoted to men, taking place on 7 May. The Gentleman's Sale will consist of high-quality items such as cufflinks, desk accessories, wristwatches and rather more lavish items including an Edwardian travelling case estimated at pounds 2,000-pounds 3000, and a silver Asprey travelling clock dated 1936 for pounds 200-pounds 300. The list is endless. I suggest if you're a bit flush and would like to own a piece of history, make a note in your diary. If you're after something more up to the minute but you're not London-based don't fret, Reiss, that directional yet reasonably priced menswear shop has opened its northern flagship store at 133-137 Granger Street, Newcastle. And Hope & Glory, the menswear label, have launched their spring collection, which is inspired by the casual-boy era of the 1980s, and of which, I'm proud to say, I was a part. Oh yes, those were the days, dancing down the Goldmine in Canvey Island (the coolest jazz-funk club to hang out in). Sorry I digress - the clothes? Well, they're like what boys wore in the 1980s, didn't I just say that?

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME TURN OVER

I cannot continue until I've had an incy-wincy whinge about my favourite soap, Eastenders: hasn't it taken a turn for the worse? What is going on, do they really think that the return of Nick Cotton is going to pull in the viewers? Equally annoying is ditsy Sarah who is set to have a little romance with the I-haven't-washed-my-hair-for-weeks market trader. And fat Pat who has lost so much weight she has been left with a cat's bottom for a mouth. I don't have anywhere to turn, the thought of Deirdre on t'other side is more than I can stomach.

LESS OF YOUR LIP

Last Saturday I was milling around the cosmetics counters when I was accosted by one of those over-made up consultants from BeneFit. She launched into her sales talk, thus convincing me that she could sell sand to the Arabs. BeneFit products don't need much flogging as they are fantastic. Especially Thigh Hopes (pounds 11), which is great for cellulite (not that I have any), and Lip Plump (pounds 13) which is a great base for lipstick and is meant to plump them up a wee bit. Now I know this product won't give you an instant Julia-Roberts mouth, but it's the thought that it could that makes you want to use it. Are you with me? What I object to is this daft consultant taking her sales pitch just a tad too far, by telling me that this is the product that revolutionized Liz Hurley's lips, when they went from thin to thick. I'm 99.9 per cent sure that it was by some other means that she ended up with such full lips!