Employee refuses to give ‘condolence money’ after not receiving any themselves

An employee has been questioning whether or not they were in the wrong for not contributing to a coworker’s “condolence money” fund.

In a recent Reddit post shared to the popular “Am I The A**hole?” subreddit, they explained that human resources has a policy where they pass along an envelope to put money in when someone passes away, whether that be a colleague or one of their relatives, which is called condolence money.

The poster noted that they routinely contribute to these funds, depending on how close they are to the colleague.

“Last year my grandmother passed in our home country(my parents are immigrants). My family and I could not attend her funeral as one of our family members is at high risk and it was not safe to travel,” the post detailed.

“I told the HR about my grandmother’s death and was told that a death certificate was required for approval for compassionate leaves, so I took annual leave instead to mourn my grandmother at home with my family.”

For this reason the employee never received any condolence money. Now, another employee has passed away and the company’s HR has once again asked for condolence money.

“It just did not hit me well, so this time I refused to offer any money. When the HR asked why, I told them how unfair I felt when it’s always me paying for others and nobody pays my family anything when my grandmother passed,” the Reddit post explained.

“I got told about how it was not their fault that I could not provide a death certificate to let them organize one for me, and that the money was supposed to be a form of prayer, not exchange. In the end I stood firm saying I will not give any money.”

The employee concluded the post mentioning that because their entire department is aware of their refusal and have begun to give them “disapproving looks” they aren’t sure if they made the right decision or not.

After posting, many people turned to the comments with varying opinions on whether or not the employee should have provided money to the fund or not.

“It’s sad to say, but at places I’ve worked, there have been employees who have had 12 or more grandparents ‘die’. There are always a few people who will abuse bereavement leave. So I can understand companies requiring some sort of documentation,” one comment began.

“On the other hand, your workplace sounds seriously sketchy. No one should be made aware of who has donated and who has not done so. No one should ever be pressured to give, people may be in straitened financial circumstances and unable to do so. No one should be guilt-tripped for not giving, or not giving ‘enough.’ And ‘form of prayer’? WTF. Religion should not be practiced in your workplace. AT ALL,” the comment  continued.

“Proof should not be required for co-workers to show compassion and generosity. You are NTA for not donating. Your workplace is TA for shaming you for not donating. But be aware that it sounds as though your workplace is a s****y, gatekeeping, shaming organization -- and you probably can’t do anything about that other than getting a job elsewhere.”

However, other commenters thought the Reddit poster needed to abide by the company’s policies and that was why they didn’t receive the money and another employee did.

“They needed proof of a death, which you did not provide. Now you act bitter because some else died who could actually supply a death certificate. She was your grandmother. Why didn’t you ask a parent or someone and mention work required ? The whole money thing sounds tacky anyway and why I guess most companies just send flowers as condolences. At the end of the day anyone could claim a family member had died and want said money and the death certificate is to make sure no one is doing anything dodgy,” one comment read.

Another commenter agreed, writing, “HR had no proof of a death in your family; you could have provided this and opted not to. If you never contributed to these things because of your own beliefs etc I’d say NTA but it’s clear this is because you’re angry HR didn’t get you anything.”