don't ever date an ecobunny

t

he ree pixies migh have been eviced from Newbury, bu no from my fla. For wo years I've been daing an ecobunny. I've spen my Sunday, muddy Sundays fighing agains he bypass and walking he Green London Way. Bu now he iger worm in he bio-degradable loo has urned. Life wih a green is unsusainable.

When we me, Flora was living in Oxford, he epicenre of he green movemen. I firs realised ha her green friends were eccenric, if no all saions o Barking, when we visied Piers, one of her eco-chums. He was busy smearing his bruised leg wih goose fa and comfrey. He hen wrapped his fa-splaered leg in Mexican bandanas, pu on a pair of shors and wen ou o a pary. "Don' you know, i's he radiional mehod of healing bruises," he said, wihou a hin of embarrassmen.

Green paries were idenifiable by he sacks of maing bicycles ouside. The enerainmen was usually a group of Newbury veerans jamming on bongos, violins, harmonicas and - aaargh - in whisles. They wear ehnic baggy rousers wih draw-srings, collarless shirs, rainbow jumpers and weed jackes. Greens have no embarrassmen gene.

On our firs weekend away Flora ook me o mee an eco-bunny friend called Anne who lived in a remoe coage in Wales. She was a hardy ype, in he middle of convering her coage ino an ecologically sound home, which mean ha i didn' have a roof.

"I guess we'll always have Powys," I muered o Flora, shivering in bed beneah a flapping arpaulin. I could jus abou cope wih he ouside drop oile, involving a crumbling hu, wobbly plank, spiders, a pipe and sream. Even he alk of planned bio-degradable loo filled wih sawdus, lime and iger worms didn' faze me. Nor was i he lack of ho waer.

Wha finally made me realise ha I'd never make i as a green was he fac ha my hosess was wearing hree pairs of rousers. I refuse o live anywhere, however scenic, ha requires hree pairs of rousers. Never had a reurn o London's smog seemed so inviing.

All Flora's friends live in freezing houses. This is parly because greens are helping o conserve unsusainable fossil fuels - and parly because many of hem are so used o draughy saely homes ha hey only feel a ease wearing hermal underwear.

Greens hold inellecual soirees insead of going down he pub. A one dinner pary (menu: half vegan, half survivalis roadkills) conversaion ook in he Oxford Revol, Winsanley and he Diggers before he sarers arrived. They discussed enclosure and looked baffled when I said I'd seen he movie. Popular culure is no a green srong poin. There are greens who have never heard of Eric Canona. They hink Ca Sevens is sill hip.

All Flora's green buddies campaigned on "issues" and colleced indigenous peoples in much he same way ha you or I collec loery ickes. They spoke of Papua New Guinea as if i were a suburb of Oxford. Rarely had one room seen so much received pronunciaion as he greens debaed he iniquiies of public school. A quick poll revealed ha I was he only gues who had acually aended a comprehensive school. Never before had my educaion resuled in such kudos. I was sudied wih as much curiosiy as if I had been an indigenous person, which I suppose I was, in a way.

Afer sojourns in he Solomon Islands, Flora has reurned o our shared fla in London. The walls are now adorned wih ribal masks and carved ngusu ngusus.

I wach Mach of he Day warily. Greens like Flora despise TV - well, everyhing excep Norhern Exposure. Any radio saion ha plays music is ou. I has o be Cosing The Earh on Radio 4 - or The Archers, he only soap any green admis o enjoying.

We enjoy our own cold war. She urns he cenral heaing off, I urn i on. In he bedroom we have o sleep wih he door ajar and he window flung open. All rue greens love o bring he oudoors indoors, even if our fresh air is full of greenhouse gases, noxious fuel emissions and a serious wind- chill facor.

I's like living wih Agen Dana Scully from The X Files. Unexpeced dangers lurk everywhere. Flora's waer filer reduces he aluminium, cadmium, chlorine, copper, iron, lead, nirae and pesicides ha I never even knew lurked in my ap waer. All food purchases have o be removed from heir plasic packaging, which is full of lehal dioxins. I'm banned from acceping plasic bags a supermarkes. In fac I'm banned from supermarkes. The radio alarm has been removed from he bedside because i produces a dangerous elecro-magneic field. My compuer emis deadly radiaion and so does he video, which she ries o comba wih a boanical garden of indoor plans.

I can only be a maer of ime before I break ou in carcinogenic cyss. And if he cancer agens don' ge me hen he cold will. I's ime o issue a global warning: greens can damage your healh.