Food critic reignites debate about dinner party hosts asking guests to split costs: ‘Etiquette is a dying art’

A food critic has reignited a debate about whether it is appropriate to ask guests to split the bill when hosting a dinner party.

Earlier this month, Amber Nelson, the co-host of The Brighter Side podcast, shared her surprise after an acquaintance charged her for dinner after she attended the meal at their house.

“Got invited to someone’s place for dinner and they charged me for it… this is weird, right?” she wrote in a 10 March tweet, which has since been liked more than 397,000 times.

The debate was rekindled this week when San Francisco Chronicle food critic Soleil Ho questioned the etiquette behind the request for money in her recent newsletter, which she titled: “Is it OK to send your friends a bill when you host a dinner party?”

In the newsletter, Ho revealed that she was “stunned” by Nelson’s recent tweet, with the food critic claiming that it sounded like the podcast host got “scammed”.

“$20 for a plate of what sounds like average penne alla vodka, and she’s not at some tourist trap in Hollywood?” Ho wrote. “And yes, she brought wine to the party, like a normal person would. Maybe this would fly if the party were at least catered, with a magician or something extra, but it sounds to me like our girl got scammed. Is this a thing people do?”

On Tuesday, Ho shared her further surprise upon realising that many people had their own stories about requests from hosts to split the bill, when she tweeted a link to the newsletter and wrote: “All the responses to this newsletter have combined to destroy my remaining faith in humanity. We are SICK.”

She added in the comments that she had also seen responses from people who shared stories about being asked to split the price of snacks from Trader Joe’s or the additional costs that went into hosting a potluck.

In response to the tweet, Los Angeles Times reporter Andrea Chang revealed that she recently found herself in a similar situation, writing: “Lol this just happened to me last month. Brought desserts from two places, and then got hit with a $30 bill the next morning for dinner (which was nachos and chili).”

After Ho responded to Chang’s story with a resounding: “NO,” others asked Chang how she handled the situation, to which she admitted that she “just Venmoed”.

Chang wasn’t the only one, as another person revealed that they “brought about $60 worth of drinks and snacks to help out the hosts” of a recent party “and still woke up to a Venmo charge for the snacks they bought”.

“This is literally the biggest etiquette breach I’ve ever read. WTF,” one person wrote in response.

Ho’s tweet regarding the topic also prompted generally horrified responses from people on Twitter, with many agreeing that there is never an occasion where a host throwing a dinner party should request money from guests.

“Holy f*ck. The answer is no, people. You should never charge friends money for throwing a dinner party. And most especially should not charge friends after they’ve already been to the dinner party. No no no,” one tweet read, while another person said: “We must band together and immediately stop seeing these people, forcing them to befriend each other so they can happily charge tit-for-tat and the rest of us can be normal.”

Someone else claimed the answer is a “resounding NO!” “Who would even think about sending a bill? What a terrible question,” they added.

Others questioned whether “etiquette is a lost art,” with one person claiming that hosts who want their guests to “pitch in” should host a potluck. “Otherwise, guests should not be expected to bring anything but gratitude (though a host gift is proper & flowers almost always appropriate),” they wrote.

“Venmo requesting me for a meal at your place is something you could do exactly once so make it count I guess,” another person said.

However, in the comments, the debate continued, as some people suggested that there are certain situations where a host could ask their guests for money, such as when everyone attending wants to have an expensive dinner and agrees to split the bill beforehand.

“If you can only have a dinner party with spendy ingredients where one person foots the whole bill, only wealthier people can have those dinner parties. Or you can all chip in and everyone gets access to a nice meal together. Agreed ahead of time, of course. No surprise charges,” one person suggested.

According to another individual, the behaviour is justified occasionally, so long as guests are aware they will be asked to contribute to the costs.

“Just to clarify, I love to host. I do it often and I don’t expect a dime in return,” they wrote. “But I think it’s okay to organise the occasional bougie dinner that everyone pitches in on if you all agree on it ahead of time, and I stand by that.”

According to the Etiquette School of America, in general, when hosting a party, the host should always pay for party expenses “for the same reason we don’t ask people to buy tickets to our wedding or our children’s birthday parties”.

“The word host (hostess) implies that you’re hosting your guests, which means you’re inviting them to enjoy your hospitality,” the etiquette guide states.

However, a potluck, where each guest brings a dish of their own, can offer a solution to the predicament, as the host isn’t then obligated to cover the costs of the entire meal.

“There’s a difference between ‘throwing a dinner party’ and having people over for a potluck gathering,” one person wrote. “If it’s the dinner party route then it’s on the host to provide everything without being reimbursed. Good etiquette would be for guests to bring something, but not required.”