dilemmas

There is a world of difference between being a happy family and playing at happy families. And if Prue's husband came on this holiday, there would be all kinds of risks involved. I've no idea why they divorced in the first place but I wouldn't be surprised if the old wounds, hurts and arguments would re-appear within a matter of days. For instance, he would only have to forget the car had run out of petrol and Prue would remember what a hopeless man he was. She would only have to insist on clean swimsuits every day and years of irritation in him would surface about her fussy, pernickity behaviour. It's very easy to forget exactly what actually made two people break up but extraordinarily easy to remember after only a few hours in each other's company. There is the risk that this holiday, instead of being restful and comfortable for everyone, would turn into a seething mass of anger and resentments roaring away under the glued-on smiles. The children may imagine that everything would be hunky-dory between the two of them now, but children are incredibly sensitive to emotional undercurrents and they could be extremely disturbed and confused on this holiday, unable to put their fingers on what exactly was wrong.

Let's say it all went wonderfully well and everyone got on like a house on fire. What would the children feel about that? Baffled about why on earth their parents are living apart for 51 weeks of the year. Nearly all children of divorced parents want their parents to come back together and live in harmony. A glimpse of this potentially stable life would only make things a lot more difficult for them when they go home. Why isn't Dad living at home all the time? Is it their fault that he went away? If the whole family were to move to Majorca, would things then be okay?

I remember after my mother left home, she would return every evening for about a year to cook me and my father our evening meal. The excuse was that they wanted to keep up a happy front for my sake. But the result was that I didn't know what was going on at all, or why my mother had to go away every night. It was hope followed by loss of hope every single night of the year. Until I realised that she was only returning to cook because she wanted to get back with my father, I bitterly resented these evening deceptions and could hardly choke down my food when I watched my mother trying to be winning and flirtatious and my father, furious at her past infidelities, raging silently. This charade, far from being for my benefit, was entirely for hers. Does Prue's husband have a hidden agenda, as I suspect? They should realise that children are intuitive and need very clear-cut boundaries to feel secure.

I'm not saying separated parents can't come together occasionally - for birthday parties, for instance, when it's quite clear where everyone stands. Or a cup of tea after a day out. It could be okay if Prue's husband overlapped the holiday for just one day, and then took over the rest of the holiday by himself with the children. But a week together can only result in two alternatives for the children. One - that their parents get on marvellously (so why aren't they always together?) Two - that they pretend to get on marvellously, in which case it would be a terrible week for everyone, with wonky masks glued on left, right and centre. And I don't mean the snorkelling kind, eithern

What readers say

Don't send mixed signals

You do not say whether your ex-husband has moved on from your married relationship to that of friends who are trying to rebuild their lives. Could he be trying to "rekindle the fire" or does he genuinely think that this would be good for you the children to all go on holiday together? Have the children accepted that you are both now leading separate lives or do they also see this as a way of getting you back together?

If they don't then you are only sending them mixed signals that Mummy and Daddy can do everything together except sleep in the same bed - so why did they split up?

The children need to develop a different relationship with your husband to the one they have with you and the only way they can do this is by spending time with him on their own.

Good luck. Trying to lead separate lives is not easy.

Rebecca, London

Children will see through this `family' holiday

I am a child from a divorced family, and I know many other divorced families too. I must suggest that you turn your husband down on his suggestion because it would not be fair on your children. It would only give them false hopes that you two were going to get back together again.

There may even be some elaborate plan to matchmake, which could have disastrous consequences. Also, if your husband decided he wanted to make a move on you, then you would be stuck in a foreign country in a very uncomfortable situation.

I realise you may like to keep on good terms with your ex-husband, so gently tell him that you don't think it would be a good idea, if he demands an explanation tell him that you don't think it would be good for the children.

Faith Dawes

Cheshire

Use your head and avoid heartbreak

I broke up with a much-loved, but impossible to live with, long-term partner, and moved out of our idyllic home, a country cottage - Aga in the kitchen, my dream scene, but not my dream man! A few months later, still friends, he asked me to go on holiday to Florence with him. Romantic eh? Visions of grape-vines stretching for miles, brilliant blue skies, and sunshine tempted me.

But something stopped me. I'd spent many months, even years, in a state of mental "disease", I didn't know why I was unhappy. Now I do. I listened to my heart, not my head. I didn't go.

I am now happily married to Mr Right; my ex is still the same.

Please don't take the risk of misleading your children into thinking that Daddy will come back and all will be roses again, if you know, deep down that you are both still the same people, and it's not what you want. You are very central to your children, if you are not "solid" they will be shaky.

Anon

Agree on the ground rules

I read Prue's dilemma with interest as I was in the same position once and felt the same way. I have since repeated the experiment and have found a way of making it enjoyable for all of us.

Providing that there is no hidden agenda on the part of the husband I think it is an excellent idea, especially for the children, who can see that their parents are friends which makes them happy and relaxed.

You don't have to do everything together all the time, and you get to have the odd time to do what you want to do while he looks after the children.

All in all, done properly, this is a brilliant idea providing everyone agrees on what happens.

Wendy Walker

Wolverhampton

Next week's problem: Can my schizophrenic son come too?

Dear Virginia,

I have a schizophrenic son of 25 who spends most of his time in a hospital but who comes home at weekends. My best friend is having her 40th birthday party on Saturday night and I desperately want to go, even though she lives 50 miles away. My husband is away on business and I can't leave my son on his own. I could get a carer in just for the night, but part of me feels that he should come too, since he's known my friend since childhood. Should I ring her and ask if he can come too or is that putting too much pressure on her because I know that she couldn't possibly say no. He can behave extremely oddly at times, and can't hold a normal conversation.

Yours sincerely, Glenys

Comments are welcome, and everyone who has a suggestion quoted will be sent a bouquet from Interflora. Send personal experiences or comments to me at the Features Department, `The Independent', 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL (fax 0171-293-2182) by Tuesday morning. If you have any dilemmas of your own you would like to share, let me know.