Dating coach explains how to identify ‘negging’ in relationships

A dating coach has explained what the act of negging is and how to spot this behaviour in relationships.

On TikTok, Sabrina Zohar frequently posts videos sharing dating and relationship advice. In a recent video, she described “negging” in dating as “emotional manipulation”, before giving examples of this trend.

Zohar explained that negging is “when somebody gives backhanded compliments and comments and insults the other person, and tries to disguise them as constructive criticism.”

Speaking to The Independent, Zohar highlighted the negative impacts of negging as causing victims to “constantly seek more validation” from their partners. “It’s passive aggressive and not exemplifying clear and direct communication, plus it normalises disrespect and allows someone to show that in a way that’s not as outward,” she said. “It is incredibly toxic behaviour.”

In her video, she went on to explain how negging can be problematic, noting that it “makes somebody feel vulnerable and question themselves”. According to the dating coach, “people that neg usually have really low self-esteem”.

“They feel like they need to put someone else down, so that other person is constantly trying to seek their approval and that makes them have self-worth,” she added. Zohar then gave examples of what she considered to be negging, such as the phrases, “I’m surprised you’re as funny as my ex,” or “You’re a lot smarter than I thought you’d be.”

Two more examples of the dating trend included: “Your best friend is in great shape, you should take some advice from her” and “You’re so pretty when you have makeup on.”

The dating coach concluded her video with a message to people who’ve dated someone who gives these backhanded compliments. “If you’re ever involved with someone who’s doing this, it’s time to run as fast as f***ing possible,” she said. “Nothing you do is going to change them. It’s only going to add fuel to the fire.”

Zohar tells The Independent that the best way to handle negging in relationships is to call someone out for their behaviour, and “be confident in your decision” without letting your partner shift your perspective.

“You can set a boundary and clearly articulate how hurtful it is to use these statements,” she explained. “Get specific and share the impact it had on you and your disinterest in being communicated like that. Seek the support of a therapist or trusted friend, having an outlet is equally as important.”

She added: “Once you’ve done all this, it is imperative to see their reaction and how they respond to you setting a boundary. Do they show remorse? Take ownership or accountability? Deflect? No need to accept that behaviour if so.”

Zohar also noted that since negging is “subtle” and can be difficult to spot, people should show themselves “compassion” if they fall victim to negging. According to Zohar, negging is “designed to make somone feel insecure and are often derogatory comments not built on love, trust or respect.

“If anyone is negging you that, says everything about them and nothing about you,” she said.

Zohar’s video has received more than 18,000 views as of 27 June, with TikTok users in the comments sharing their experiences with negging.

“Someone once did this to me, but I was already healed. I smiled and when I got home, I blocked him. It’s been two years now,” one wrote.

“Oh yeah and then they say ‘you don’t know how to take criticism!’ if you refuse to let them put you down,” another claimed.

“Had a guy do this to me within days of us talking, and I ran as fast as I could,” a third wrote. “Going to sit there and tell me that I looked better with the filters.”

One viewer questioned how backhanded compliments can be disguised as someone’s sense of humour. “Negging can also be presented as a ‘joke,’” they wrote. “Regardless, is this really a dynamic you want in your intimately bonded relationship?”

Earlier this year, other experts defined what negging is and how it can be a red flag in a relationship. In an interview with The Independent in February, Susan Winter, a relationship expert based in New York City, gave another example of negging: “Oh that dress is really cute, that was in a couple years ago.”

She also echoed Zohar’s statement, noting that this manipulative behaviour often occurs because your partner wants to make you feel insecure, so you can then seek their approval. “Negging is something that’s meant to sound like a compliment, but it diminishes you at the same time,” she explained. “It is done for the reason of making you desire that person’s acceptance. That they notice you but you’re not quite up to snuff.”

Back in 2021, Love Island contestant Danny Bibby made headlines for how he ended his relationship with Lucinda Strafford. At the time, viewers accused him of negging and claimed that he was using language to subtly insult Strafford, in what they believed was an effort to undermine her confidence.

“I’m not this type of kid to chase you, like a little dog. I knock you down a couple of pegs, have a little banter with you,” he told Strafford during a private conversation. “You’re like a matte black Lamborghini that I want to drive, but I put the key in, and it just doesn’t work. I’ve changed a couple of parts, and it still doesn’t work.”