Cries And Whispers

As A Top Pop Critic, I'm often called upon to arbitrate, Solomon- like, on the musical melees of the day, to evaluate the relative merits of Blur and Oasis, say, or of Bob Dylan and Keats. The debate which has reignited this week, of course, concerns the question of which is the best-looking Spice Girl. Frankly, after the undue and rather prurient focus on their political allegiances, I'm glad that attention has at last turned back to this absorbing issue.

And I'm pleased to announce that, having spent long hours scrutinising pictures of the Girls, I can reveal, exclusively in the Independent on Sunday, which of them is the most attractive. The key to understanding the attraction of the Spice Girls is this: it goes in phases.

To begin with, we saw five winsome young women, and the information was too much for the mind to process. It took at least two of their appearances on Top of the Pops before we could tell them apart. Soon, however, one of them broke off from the whole, and that one was Posh Victoria. Cruelly sidelined in the "Wannabe" video, for no reason other than her inability to sing, she was an enigmatic figure, our few glimpses of her making her all the more tantalising. While the others grinned, she glowered. While the others wore dayglo boob tubes, she distinguished herself in classy black dresses. She had long legs, smouldering eyes, a sharp, businesslike haircut. She was Good-looking Spice.

It couldn't last. Pop is a fickle business, and once close-up photos of the Spice Girls had become a familiar sight, it was all too obvious that Victoria's nose was far from perfect. That one sullen expression of hers was getting tedious, too. The Spice devotee began searching for a new favourite, just as a startling development rocked the very structure of the Girl Power hierarchy.

Ginger Geri had always been promoted as the leader of the gang, but in these early days, she had yet to make an impression. She had no obvious fan- base and no definite image (ie, not the tomboy in footie gear and bad haircut, not the dazed blonde Essex girl). That all changed when the tabloids printed nude pictures of her, taken in the days when she was a wannabe page-three girl. She had an identity at last. She was Naked Spice. Spicy Spice. Colossally Well-Endowed Spice. Her popularity shot ahead of the others'.

For many pundits, Geri continues to occupy prime position in the Spice rack. To the connoisseur's eye, though, she is too obvious, too brassy, too much a creature of the tabloids. Besides, there are believable rumours that she is five years older than she admits. And when she smiles, her face looks like that of a plastic hamster.

Yet more damaging to her standing was the Spectator interview in which Geri came out as a Tory. Could the mind of Margaret Thatcher be attractive, however amply proportioned the body attached? No. So close to an election, there could be no sympathy for collaborators. The discerning lech moved on.

Some observers rested on Mel C, aka Sporty Spice. She was the alternative choice, the Girl to pick if you wanted to establish your independence from the common herd. And perhaps, in an unrealistic sort of way, the one you had the best chance of getting off with. Some even flirted (metaphorically speaking) with Emma, charmed by her fluttery eyelashes and crinkly nose. But no, there was something unsavoury about that eight-year-old's persona, and she didn't look too hot in those photos of her on holiday with her mum either.

Finally, it emerged that there was only one true beauty in the Spice Girls, and that was Mel B; she of the fabulous hair, the flawless skin, the heart-melting smile, and the clothing so horrible that it causes migraines. Picture by picture, she is consistently the best-looking Spice Girl.

I'm glad to have been of help. The Judge will not enter into any correspondence on this topic. Except, possibly, with Mel B.