Counselling: Auntie Ag and Uncle Ony

LET'S GET SERIOUS

I have a real dilemma. I have managed to find a wonderful lady to share my time with. She is intelligent, very attractive and great fun, so when I describe my problem, you may think that I am being rather fussy. I am very fond of profound conversation, but whenever I try to discuss the deeper issues of life, she just wants to go to bed! Now, I am a red-blooded male, but do you think that I should make my other needs explicit, or just count my blessings? As two experienced people of the world, I would really appreciate your advice.

Mr S, Ealing

UNCLE ONY: It is very important in any relationship to establish both a physical and cerebral balance; it's very negative in the long term to have either out of kilter. However, at the same time, ladies who are attractive and great fun do not come along three at a time so I would broach the question of your need for greater intellectual stimulation with great delicacy. You say she is intelligent, so probably all that is needed is a little education. I would prepare a comprehensive reading list, starting gently with the great classic novels and moving on to politics, philosophy and economics. It may take a little while to work through, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end!

AUNTIE AG: Darling, you are begging for disaster if you leave this poor woman at home with a reading list night after night. The deeper issues of life will raise themselves when appropriate in normal conversation; you don't need to make appointments with her for meaningful discussions. If you try and force matters, before you know where you are she will have hurled The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire into the waste disposal and skipped off to the nearest wine bar with someone who knows how to show her a good time. Yes, you are being rather fussy. Yes, you should count your blessings.

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?

Recently, my social life has changed. Both me and all my best friends seem to have terribly busy jobs, plus partners to take account of, and what happens is that we never see each other at all. Pub nights aren't ideal, as none of us are big drinkers and I for one don't like pubs. Restaurants are no good as most of us don't have any spare cash. And the trouble with going to people's houses is that we all live in a different bit of outer London, which makes getting safely home afterwards a total pain. This may seem trivial, but it really has me stumped. Any suggestions?

Jenny, London E14

UNCLE ONY: Alas, the responsibilities and travails of adulthood! There are a number of new enterprises that combine a congenial atmosphere where sipping orange juice is just as appropriate as quaffing pints, and light, reasonably priced food is available as well as three-course feasts. I can't give names as I don't care to advertise, I fear: but have a good look around.

AUNTIE AG: Oh, darling, what about lovely lunches at the weekend? No problems there with getting home afterwards. And lunch (or brunch!) is much cheaper than dinner. You need to draw up an inconvenience rota: take strict turns and that will even out the length of the journeys for everyone. One thought, angel: if everyone is resolutely making excuses about not liking pubs/finding restaurants too dear/not being able to get home afterwards, could it be that you and your these friends of yours don't really want to see each other all that much? After all, with good company you can have a wonderful time in the midst of the most frightful dive, over tepid lemon squash. All these life changes you've all been going through could have included a smidgen of out-growing each other, angel. I'd leave it a while and wait and see which of your friends you really, really miss after a few weeks, before making any more dates.

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN

Hello. I am writing to various celebrated figures concerning a more than extraordinary problem. I find it utterly bizarre, but I seem to be the greatest person ever to have lived. Would you care to disprove this to me? The reason I have come to this viewpoint is that I seem to have invented a new philosophy which alone seems to solve the ills of Earth. The philosophy is simple in its essential form, but is much confused by the misunderstandings of those who are as yet too irrational to see its essential self. The philosophy, without further ado, is this: the (perhaps I should use a capital T) only actions of worth are not those that seek to end the greatest suffering (a similar thought to "the greatest happiness for the greatest number") but rather, the least suffering for the greatest number (all sentient life included).

James, Arundel

UNCLE ONY: Tush, tush! So: move over Michelangelo, Sir Alexander Fleming, Mother Teresa and Natalie Imbruglia, James from Arundel is in our midst! I'm afraid that when it comes to being the greatest person ever to have lived, there is a considerable queue ahead of you, my good man.

AUNTIE AG: Yes, darling, that maxim is indeed a super idea. It's almost as good as my own favourite principle, which is that everyone should be nice to everyone else. The trouble with your philosophy, as with mine, lies in getting the rest of the world to subscribe to it. Sadly, there are a lot of people out there with not the slightest interest in either relieving suffering (or being nice). I hate to say it, but in the great scheme of things this really seems to me like a fatal flaw: so I fear you may not in fact be the greatest person ever to have lived. Sorry to disappoint, angel.