Chrissy Teigen admits to feeling like ‘shrunken version’ of herself

Chrissy Teigen has opened up about her mental health in a vulnerable Instagram caption.

The cookbook author opened up about her experience attempting to complete a tree top ropes course as she specifically focused on one part of the course that required her to walk across a log. “I did this log crossing a few years ago when I last came here, when I was struggling mentally,” her caption began.

Teigen explained that she thought going through the course again this time would be different from then, noting that it previously felt like each of her feet weighed 1,000 pounds and she was so tense she thought she was in the middle of a “car crash.”

“I made it across then, after about 40 lonnnng minutes. And I’m not even scared of heights! It wasn’t the height. It’s fighting through the pain in my arms, my neck, my feet most of all,” she detailed in her post.

When she went to attempt the course again this time she thought she could “make the pain go away” by changing her mindset and relaxing by using breathing techniques in addition to focusing on enjoying what she was doing. Despite her preparations, she felt the course was just as difficult as it was the first time — even though she’s faced a lot in her personal life in recent years, including the stillbirth of her baby Jack, who died at 20 weeks in utero, revelations that she’d bullied people online early in her career and her struggle with sobriety.

“I thought that since I have seen times that were so dark since the last time I did this, that I would be fearless on this god damn thing. But I’m still so scared,” she wrote.

“I shaved off a little time, but what I love about this is how much it surprises you and how much you learn about yourself,” the mother of four continued.  “My rational mind knows that it would be totally fine to just fall…I would gently be lowered down, but the realization that I am so terrified to fall again in life that it becomes overwhelmingly debilitating both mentally and physically was…a lot.”

Teigen admitted that because she didn’t feel any less scared when comparing the first and second time on the course she lives her whole life “scared.”

“I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts. I feel like a very shrunken version of myself. And I know I am meant to be big,” her caption read.

“I’m really scared of letting you guys down and I find myself fighting with myself all day in my brain with things I want to say, things I want to explain, but I’m just so fearful. I miss so many parts of myself and I hope one day I can shed some fear and accept that I will never be perfect for you guys and that is okay!! But for now I will continue to work on it all and try to balance my brain with rational thoughts, and try to be kind to myself and my body and mind. And I will always continue to ramble aimlessly in captions.”

After posting many people went on to let the model know how much they appreciated the vulnerability and emotion that went into admitting the way she felt.

“We love you for the outspoken, opinionated, compassionate, entrepreneurial, family-oriented and fashionable bad a** that you are!!” one comment read.

Another agreed, writing, “I really like your sentence that you are meant to be big. It must be hard to be in the public eye like you - you are expected to be faultless. For me you seem very authentic with your life & your family so I say go be big & live your life the way you want to live it.”

Even her husband, John Legend, left a comment on the post to show his support writing, “I love you.”