Charmed life

Gee, it's been great. The party's over in Palm Beach, and y'know - we're all a bit sad really. "Booth" life, although slow, got better in the second week. Take the English exhibitor talking to a Palm Beach resident about his recent sojourn in Israel. At his mention of the Dead Sea Scrolls she replied, "Oh no, we didn't see any of those when we were there. I didn't even know they had squirrels in the Dead Sea, honey." But back to business - the antique clock dealer thought he might have a serious client for his 1745 clock, until she said "I love it, but I just don't know where I'm going to get the batteries for it."

As you may have deduced, the art was not terribly appreciated, but the sure-fire winner was jewellery. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but in Palm Beach they're your great-grandmother's best buddy, too. It's like watching a miracle cure when these twiglet-legged women abandon their Zimmer frames and almost sprint to the jewellery booths. In fact our booth became known as "Garrards' waiting-room", a place for the ladies of Palm Beach to kick their Ferragamo heels while waiting to descend on the glittering glass cases. Being next to the Crown Jewellers did have its advantages. The Crown Jeweller himself was there, and fed us crown-shaped chocolates, and in quiet moments would let us try on the odd pounds 60,000 ring - in particular a nice sapphire number which according to the ladies of Palm Beach was "Lady Di's". The Crown Jeweller was asked about 20 times a day, "So where are the Crown Jewels? Can we see them?", as if he had just popped them in his suitcase and set them up in the booth for a couple of weeks. "They're in the Tower, madam" was to be heard frequently.

When the day occasionally threatened to be dull, name invention was the game du jour. Take the name of your first pet, followed by your mother's maiden name, and that's your name if you were a porn star - an excellent formula. So, there was me - Trudy Gordon, my boss, Trigger Robertson and a whole cast of fellow exhibitors including Blazer Coggins, Binkie Hertgovitz and Volcano Le Couturier, starring in Red Hot Booths.

Of an evening, we would head out for some food and boogieing. Eating became a nightly challenge - no matter what restaurant you went to - and we went to most - the food was absolutely bloody identical. The three key culprits which kept raising their ugly heads being "Varietal leaves", "seared tuna" and "angel hair pasta". Every waiter we had appeared to be a very close relative of Forrest Gump, so keeping a straight face throughout the specials recitation was an achievement.

At least we will have escaped back to Blighty before "Valentines", which is real big out here. Valentine cards even come in categories: "romantic love", "religious love", "from both of us", and "for Grandma". I couldn't resist purchasing one from the "romantic love" section, which holds this message: "People like you ... are the unexpected second layer of chocolates in the heart-shaped candy box of life". Only in America ...