Celia, don't let this man humiliate you

This week's problem: after two blissful years with Colin, Celia has moved into a new house. It was an obvious moment for Colin to move in, too - but although he loves her he's frightened of commitment. At 33, Celia's biological clock is ticking and she longs to settle down. They've tried splitting up, but it's unbearable. Worse, they're on the same training scheme at work. What can Celia do?

Which would Celia prefer? Children and stability? Or Colin? Because the answer "children, stability and Colin" simply isn't on the cards at the moment. If she wants to go for broke, then she's got to risk breaking the relationship.

At the moment she's playing the "yes but" game to the hilt. "Give him an ultimatum"? Too painful. "Go out with other men and see how he feels"? I'm sure she'd be appalled at the idea. "Leave work so that they have some time apart"? No, she's on a training scheme.

Celia has to realise that the "buts" in her "yes buts" are all very logical, but they ignore one important factor. Her own self-respect.

Colin isn't living with Celia and balking at marriage. Strictly speaking, he's not even a man who's refusing to commit himself, for living in the same house is not real commitment. No, Colin is a man who refuses even to consider considering commitment.

By doing absolutely nothing, Colin is controlling the situation. He's getting just what he wants without, apparently, a care for Celia's feelings. He hasn't said: "I understand if you want to find someone else because of your time-clock. If you feel that strongly about children, I'm prepared to lose you." He hasn't even said: "I can see your problem and mine, so let's talk things over with a third party so we can sort things out and try to make you less unhappy." No, this is a weak and paralysed man who can make no active attempt to alleviate Celia's suffering.

Celia might think of posing her own problem to Colin, by asking him to imagine his sister or best girlfriend in a similar situation. What would he advise? Almost certainly he'd grin sheepishly and say that if she couldn't stand the heat, she should get out of the kitchen. Or he'd suggest giving the man an ultimatum. Celia should then take his advice.

And if Celia can't screw up the courage to stand up for herself, she could do worse than buy a marvellous American paperback with the daunting title of Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives (Headline) by a terrifying but admirable woman called Dr Laura Schlessinger. Written in a loud, hectoring tone, she rightly exhorts women to stop seeing themselves as victims and to stand up for their self-respect. Reading it would certainly put a couple of hours of spine into Celia - enough for a showdown to stop her being humiliated by her dithering boyfriend. He may be passive in the situation, but that doesn't mean that she has to follow his example.

The woman who couldn't wait any longer

I have lived with exactly this problem for two years.

I am a woman of similar age to Celia and also long for stability. I can no longer bear the hurt that my partner's refusal to make a commitment to me causes, therefore I have taken the decision to maintain a separation. This is not for the first time and it is a very hard thing to do. I still love him and he loves me and it is far easier to give in and to fall back into the relationship. But I know that however hard I try I am unable to maintain emotional stability in the face of his refusal to grant my dearest wish: that he move in with me. I also know from repeated experience that however long and patiently I wait he makes no move to meet my needs. Eventually the pressure builds between us and another rift develops.

I worry that our mutual inability to accept the other's position signifies a fundamental weakness in the relationship. As a result of this clear failure to see eye to eye on such a basic point I ask myself whether this could really be a "marriage made in heaven".

I would urge anyone in a similar position to take a good hard look at the relationship and be sure that its perceived perfection is not just a result of your desire for the ideal rather than a matter of fact.

To wait for him requires patience and an absolute faith in the relationship. To separate requires courage and a belief in yourself and your own eventual ability to be happy without him. Both options require determination.

Only time will tell. One thing is for certain: a relationship forged by pressure will be destroyed by it.

Anon, Essex

The believer in fate

Perhaps the neat arrangement you envisage makes Colin feel manipulated and, because of the richness of your relationship, such a feeling must be confusing for him. In time he could feel guilty, resentful even.

This seems a good time to test the reality of the closeness you enjoy. Perhaps some robust, unromantic exchange of views now would reinforce rather than undermine your relationship and help you to go forward with more confidence. Love is fragile, but is often the better off for occasional pruning.

I wouldn't rush things if I were you. Plan for solo while leaving room for better things. Let it breathe a bit. If Colin is any sort of man nothing else will work anyhow. And sometimes, in the end, we have to let the cards fall as they will.

Mrs Warwick,

Hertfordshire