Bridget Jones's Diary

Monday 1 December

8st 12 (vg) , alcohol units 6, cigarettes 31 (bad), advent chocolates 1(vg)

Goody have got delicious new Advent calendar from shop with chocolate in for every day. Normally do not have chocolate in house through danger of unbridled scoffing but it is nice to have a little treat when it is Christmas especially as am not going to drink for entire festive period. Also chocolate necessary to get one through trying time when one is forced to take stock of what one has achieved over last year and realise it is nothing. At least have got boyfriend even if is also pervert.

7pm Oh God. Mum has just rung asking when I am coming home for Christmas and to check I am coming to Una and Geoffrey's New Year's Day Turkey Curry buffet. Have not yet told Mum that am going out with Mark Darcy. She is so used to patronising me in every area of life that will simply not be able to tolerate idea of me having boyfriend who is more desirable than either Dad, Julio or the man from the tax office and will probably try to get off with him. Knowing Mark Darcy he will probably suggest three- in-a-bed romp with all of us wearing corsets and Rabbitboy shooting the video.

7.15pm Tom just rang. "Do you want to go away over New Year," he said. "Pretentious Jerome's working I thought we could go to Prague?"

"Mmm, that would be nice," I said, wildly, thinking "won't I be doing something with Mark?" Panic. No way can I ask him about it too far ahead to know if we will still be going out with each other and he will think I am trying to trap him into marriage.

7.30pm Shazzer just rang. Aargh. Was supposed to be meeting them in 192 half an hour ago. Whole world spiralling out of control. Aaargh. Must not drink.

11.45pm argorswar blurrygoofun... Blurrybachelors. Ooh goody chocolatecalnder.

Tuesday 2 December

9st 1, alcohol units 2 (vg) cigarettes 8 (excellent) advent chocolates 23 (poor)

8am Ooh. Morning. Goody. Time for choccy. Oh bloody hell. Still would have eaten them all eventually anyway so to eat all at once is probably actually in manner of eating large breakfast to get metabolism going. V interesting feminism studies last night. Shazzer had got a book from America called Sex and the City which says f***wittage bachelors are becoming socially unacceptable.

"The kind of bachelors who only date people 20 years their junior, having spent their entire lives f***ing women around going `take take take' and not contributing anything emotionally to anyone," ranted Shazzer. "The 20-year-olds they date are getting sick of them, for smarming round then dumping them as soon as they've shagged them, the thirty- and forty- something women are sick of them for suggesting that women have a sexual sell-by date and men don't, and the Smug Marrieds are sick of them for turning up with a different girl who hasn't heard of Van Morrison every time they have a dinner party."

"Bastards! Hurrah," I said trying to get my contact lens back on my eyeball.

"So they reforming?" slurred Jude.

"No they're all moving to Europe. People used to think if a man treats a woman badly he must be pretty damn cool and attractive but not any more. Look at Daniel Day Lewis. Look at Woody Allen. Everyone despises them. It's the New Cads. It's back to Jane Austen. It's Mr Wickham. It's Sergeant Troy."

"Thaz Thomhardy," slurred Jude.

"New Cads! Out! Out! Out!" I said, "ere, vwe run out of Silk Cut?"

At that point Jude's friend Simon leaned over, turning out to be sitting at the next table. "You girls really are unbearably sexist," he said. "You just monsterise men. It's very unfair. What about bachelor girls? What do they contribute?"

"Shuddup," burped Jude.

7.30pm Huh. Monsterise men? As if. Was just having shower when phone rang. Jumped, thinking it might be Mark Darcy at last bringing up subject of festive season instead of leaving self in tortuous limbo and not including any of my friends and family in his life. Picked up phone and horrible creepy man's voice said, "You're having a shower, aren't you."

"How do you know?" I said, ducking down and frantically scanning windows opposite before banging the phone down. Would a woman do that to a man? Never. Hate men. Had bought Mark Darcy chocolate Advent calendar but am going to eat first few days to teach him lesson.

7.15 Mark just rang. "Bridge, I think it's about time we told our parents we're together," he said. "Why don't we take them all out for Christmas lunch so the mums don't have to cook. Then I thought I might take you to Gstaad for New Year. And why don't I have a little dinner party next week and invite Jude and Shazzer?"

7.20pm Just called Shazzer to invite her. "Can I bring someone?" "What? Andy?" I said.

"No. It's this guy I've just met. Nothing serious. He's very young. About 23, but really nice."

"What's happened to Andy?" I said, grabbing the dressing table for support. "Oh, well. I'm afraid I sort of ... I couldn't cope with the bald patch."

7.30pm Just got back in shower trying to come to terms with Shazzer's feminist ideals when phone rang. "Bridget," said the creepy man's voice again. Was just about to slam phone down again and call police when voice said, "It's Bruce from downstairs. The reason I know you're having a shower is that there's water pouring through the ceiling on to my computer."

V red faced. Think had better eat rest of advent chocolates to restore self-esteem

Must buy Bridget's blurry good novel

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