Wedding planner shares advice on not becoming a bridezilla: ‘The last thing we need is another B word’

Engagement parties, bachelorette trips, bridal showers. These are just a few of the seemingly essential – and often expensive – events that coincide with planning a wedding, which comes with its own entirely separate, and heftier, cost. During the hustle and bustle of building her special day, it’s unfortunately the bride who gets hit with immense critcism, specifically through the use of the word “bridezilla.”

There’s no denying that a wedding can be a life-altering expense, one that is only getting pricier in the US. Although wedding costs vary based on where you live,The Knot’s annual “Real Wedding Study” found that couples spent an average of $35,000 on their ceremony and reception in 2023 – a $5,000 increase from the year before. There’s also additional costs for vendors for the wedding – with couples paying an average of $1,700 for a DJ, $2,800 for a florist, and $2,900 for a photographer in 2023.

The inspiration behind wedding day must-haves, and celebrations leading up to the nuptials, are often a result of wedding culture’s growing space on social media. For example, the #bride hashtag on TikTok – which has more than 2.9 million posts – has become a popular place to look for inspiration, with brides posting about their bridesmaids dresses, bachelorette party trip ideas, and place settings.

Social media has also proved that the word “bridezilla” has a place in the wedding industry. The term is often used to label women who are too controlling and demanding when planning their weddings. However, wedding planning experts are hitting back at the term, claiming that it belittles the effort that women put into planning and condemns brides who are just sharing their priorities. There’s no denying that brides, grooms, and bridal parties face an overwhelming amount of stress before the big day, which could prompt some people to use the insulting “bridezilla” term in the first place. But, with such anxiety associated with wedding planning, experts say there’s no more important time for brides to feel supported than before saying “I do.”

Much of the hard work that goes into planning a wedding comes long before the bride walks down the aisle.The Knot’s 2023 study found that couples who were engaged for an average of 15 months spent nearly seven hours a week wedding planning. By these numbers, couples were spending a total average of 420 hours planning, all before the actual event. According to Oregon-based wedding coordinator and consultant Elisabeth Kramer, spending seven hours a week planning a wedding is like having a part-time job – an unpaid one that ultimately costs couples more money in the process.

“People are putting down the equivalent of mortgages and student loan debt to make these weddings happen,” she told The Independent. “I think that, unfortunately, there’s a lot of pressure in the wedding industry that makes people feel like if they don’t have a certain amount that they’re then having a ‘budget wedding,’ and thus it’s less than right.”

Licensed therapist Landis Bejar, LMPC – the founder of AisleTalk, a therapy practice devoted to helping brides and grooms manage wedding stress – described engaged couples as consumers of the wedding industry. There’s so much information thrown at couples before the big day, and this cycle of data continues every time we scroll on our phones. In fact, social media has also shown us how we don’t want to treat our loved ones when planning a wedding. For example, a maid-of-honor went viral on TikTok last month when she revealed the bride was asking her to spend $20,000 on wedding festivities, prompting social media users to label her friend a “bridezilla.”

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While Bejar acknowledged that these nightmare experiences are rare, it doesn’t change how demeaning the “bridezilla” phrase can be. She’s even seen cases where brides are simply vocalizing their wants and needs for their weddings, yet they’re still branded by the term.

“In the case of ‘bridezilla’, it’s your temporary identity as a woman. It’s a very gendered term, and there’s no male equivalent for it,” she explained. “The problem is that the term got so generalized that it describes basically anyone who had an emotion about their wedding, or anyone who was a bit assertive about what they wanted in their wedding.”

When we call someone a “bridezilla,” it ultimately minimizes the work they’ve done to plan a day that makes them – and hopefully their loved ones – happy. Despite the fact that the term seems to be frivolous and silly, brides nevertheless want to avoid the label, which could result in them ignoring their own priorities for the wedding.

“‘Bridezilla’ is another bad word that starts with ‘B’ that we call women,” Kramer said. “Being called this is a real concern, particularly when planning and hosting. Brides want to keep everyone else in mind, which is really important and valuable. However, I’ve often seen a toxic side of this with my female clients feeling like they’re prioritizing so many other people’s needs that it actually ends up hurting them more, even though they’re helping their guests.”

The term “bridezilla” speaks volumes about the gendered nature of the wedding industry, and the assumption that brides should be the ones to take the reins when organizing such an event.

“I find a lot of times if a male identified person is involved in the planning, the language he uses is he doesn’t want to rock the boat or upset the person he’s marrying,” Kramer explained. “And that’s problematic too because it can push a lot of the labor on his partner, which is the exact opposite of what he wanted to do.”

The word “bridezilla” also creates an imbalance among engaged couples. However, this isn’t to say that grooms don’t have their own opinions about the big day too. While Bejar’s clients have claimed that grooms only care about the budget, it’s the budget that affects nearly every aspect of wedding planning. With finances in mind, men have the opportunity to be completely honest about what they do and don’t like, as well as keep themselves and their partners aware of what they can afford.

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Kramer shared her advice for how couples can share the load during wedding planning, specifically when brides feel like they’ve been the ones in charge. Depending how far out the wedding is, preparation can begin with conversations about wedding plans either one or twice a month. Whether it’s spending 30 minutes picking a florist or an hour going through wedding venue options, this allows you and your partner to put an equal amount of work into the planning process.

While brides may fear being labeled a “bridezilla,” it’s still important for them to openly communicate with their loved ones throughout the undeniable stress of planning a bachelorette party or wedding. To do so, Bejar encouraged women to follow an “ask, don’t tell” style with their bridesmaids.

“Do not demand them do something as a bridesmaid after they’ve made their respective plans on where they can be when, but ask them if they would be able take this on,” she said. “To the best of your ability, sit down with someone who can help you envision the day, or the events leading up to it, and truly ask them if they’d be open to certain responsibilities.”

In the case that brides and bridesmaids are butting heads ahead of the wedding, Bejar encouraged bridal parties to remember just how valuable their relationship is with the bride.

“You have a choice to talk about it and to give somebody the benefit of the doubt, like, ‘You asked me to be your bridesmaid because we have a history of a friendship outside of this wedding,’” she explained. “Let’s start there. That’s what’s under this, how can you communicate your support without making a decision, financial or otherwise, that’s going to impact you long or short-term.”

Until we organize a wedding ourselves, we’ll never fully understand the pressure and stresses of being a bride. One step toward supporting our future brides is by completely eliminating the word “bridezilla” from our vocabulary. The last thing we need is yet another “B” word, so it’s important to allow women a judgement-free space to talk about their fears and anxiety. As we discover how to support our brides-to-be, whether it’s through planning a bachelorette party or building bouquets, we can still kindly vocalize the non-wedding related responsibilites that are always on our minds.