What your reaction to a bad Christmas gift says about you

An assortment of extended family members has gathered around the Christmas tree, and one of them is thrusting an oddly shaped parcel towards you. “You’re going to love it!” they say, a maniacal grin of expectation on their face. Everyone’s looking at you as you rip open the shiny paper to reveal, say, a novelty mug featuring an off-colour slogan. Or a fitness tracker that you’re not sure whether to be offended by. Or something that is frankly the most hideous piece of knitwear you’ve ever beheld. It’s safe to say that you categorically do not “love it”. So what is your next move? Do you attempt an Oscar-worthy performance of gratitude? Or do you share a bracingly honest verdict?

If attempting to tick everyone off your gift-giving list in the run-up to Christmas can be a fraught exercise, receiving presents from those same people can often be just as much of a minefield. In childhood, you can just about get away with throwing a small strop because you’ve been given an off-brand Barbie knock-off rather than the real deal. Or unwrapped the wrong sort of Playmobil airport (your family will probably chalk it up to tiredness, hunger or generally being overwrought). But once you’ve reached double figures, the same behaviour would be looked upon as, well, a bit much – despite the fact that receiving a really naff present, especially from someone you value, can be a deflating and even dispiriting experience at any age.

That’s because a bad gift can force us to ask difficult questions about our connection with the giver and how they perceive us. Do they really think you’re the sort of person who would wear… that? Did they not listen to your endless rants about how novelty tat is only adding to our landfill problem? (Spoiler alert: probably not). Do they actually know you at all? “Sometimes we can associate receiving a gift with our own sense of identity,” says psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner. “We can imagine the process of gift selection as a reflection on who we are, and the way we come across to others. And so when we don’t feel it aligns with our internal sense of identity and preferences, we can feel it deeply on a personal level.”

This can be especially hurtful if we’re already susceptible to feeling a little overlooked by others. “For those of us who are sensitive to our worth and often struggle with people-pleasing, the gift might be interpreted as evidence of how little the other person listens, cares, or understands us,” explains Charlotte Bailey, an accredited CBT therapist and trauma-trained psychotherapist. “It’s easy to spiral into thoughts like, ‘Did they even try?’ or ‘Am I not important enough to be truly seen?’” she adds. “If you tend to doubt your value or worry that others will not accept you for who you really are, receiving a gift that misses the mark can feel like confirmation of those fears.”

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And if you have “invested emotionally” in this relationship, it feels like even more of a gut punch. A 2008 study, which focused on heterosexual relationships, found that men reported feeling less similar to their romantic partner after receiving a bad gift versus a good one; women didn’t report feeling misunderstood, though, which the researchers put down to women being more likely to assume the role of “relationship caretaker” (in other words, they were better at putting a positive spin on things).

Cultural narratives might cause us to raise our expectations around gift giving to unrealistic levels, too, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Films, books and social media “often depict perfect gifts as symbols of deep love or compatibility”, Bailey notes (personally, I’m already bracing myself for an onslaught of Instagram posts captioned with variations on “Boy done good!” and “Gorgeous gift from this one!”). She adds that this can “reinforce the idea that thoughtful gifts equal emotional investment, while a poorly chosen gift may be perceived as a relationship ‘red flag’”. Just think of Love Actually’s most heartbreaking scene, when Emma Thompson’s Karen receives a Joni Mitchell CD rather than the expensive necklace she’d previously found while rooting through her cheating husband’s pockets – it’s screenwriting shorthand for the fact their marriage is fundamentally flawed.

So what is the best way to manage these potentially tricky situations and diffuse any incipient awkwardness (without investing in acting classes)? It depends on your relationship with the gift giver and the particular dynamics you share, Skinner says. Sometimes, this might be able to “withstand a lighthearted honest reaction”. Otherwise, she adds, “I think it’s OK to keep it polite, and then simply move on, without overdoing a false enthusiasm”. Once you’ve accepted the present, you can then “work on strengthening the connection in a more subtle way over time”.

We might do this, Skinner suggests, by “emphasising our interests and passions, or by gently asking about the motivation for the gift” – safe to say that the phrase “What were you thinking?” should not be used here. She reckons that these conversations “might be better approached after some distance from the gift giving, and with an element of lightness … you could see it as an opportunity to get to know each other better”.

Of course, there’s a difference between receiving a real dud of a gift from, say, your cousin-in-law who you’ve met a grand total of five times, and getting something borderline offensive from your closest friend or your partner. In the latter case, “misalignment in gift giving could indicate an absence of connection on a deeper level”, Skinner notes, especially if the present “goes against one of our core values”, or seems to better suit the giver themselves (perhaps they’ve given you two tickets to see their favourite band, one of which is intended for them).

Bailey agrees that “if your gift-related disappointment does mirror a larger issue of unmet emotional needs in your present relationships, it might be time to address this directly. When a pattern of emotional neglect becomes evident such as a partner consistently missing the mark with your needs, it can be helpful to bring these feelings into the open.” Just maybe don’t do it when their family is watching over you like hawks. “In close relationships,” she adds, “honesty, when framed with respect and kindness, can prevent future mismatched gifts.” A phrase such as “Thank you so much for this, it’s so thoughtful – in the future, I’d love something more…” might allow you to “express appreciation while guiding future choices”, she suggests.

And if this underwhelming present is an anomaly in your history with the giver? It’s worth giving them a bit of grace. Haven’t we all had a meltdown in John Lewis, induced by flickering tree lights and the dulcet tones of Michael Bublé, and made some questionable gifting decisions?

Christmas is a tricky time. “Perhaps they were stressed, overworked or simply didn’t have enough time or money to dedicate to gift giving,” Skinner says. Self-awareness is key here, Bailey adds. “It’s crucial to recognise that [our] reaction may be more about our emotional expectations than the actual intent of the giver,” she says, noting that we might be “attach[ing] disproportionate meaning to what is essentially just a misstep in communication or understanding”.

The vast majority of gifts are given with good intentions: in a cost of living crisis, who has the financial firepower (or indeed the sheer malevolence) to throw money at an item that they know is going to upset someone? It can be useful, then, to “try to refocus on the intention behind the gift rather than the item itself”, Bailey says. “This helps avoid over-identifying with the gift or using it as a measure of your worth. If emotions feel overwhelming, it might help to pause and remind yourself: Is my reaction about this moment, or is it tied to past experiences?”

And perhaps what’s most important to bear in mind, Bailey notes, is that “one gift is a single moment, not a definitive statement about the relationship as a whole” – whatever the festive film you just streamed on Netflix might have you believe.