auntie ag & uncle ony

I am 22 and a virgin. It is not for want of opportunity because I am not unattractive. I have a very successful career and am often compared in looks with Brad Pitt. The problem is I have a very small penis. It is only 5 inches long when erect and very thin. I somehow cannot bear the contrast between my sexy image and the reality of my diminutive sexual organ.

Steven, Battersea

Uncle Ony: Yes. You are rightly sensing that until the relationship between the ego and the genitals, or sex organs, is resolved, relations with the Other will not succeed. In simple terms you must "come" to love your penis - quite literally! Try grasping it between the shaft and frenulum and massaging gently at first, then rather harder. You should find it an effective bonding experience.

Auntie Ag: Believe me darling - and I know - when push comes to shove, no girl wants a salami. So painful and unwieldy! Your problem is like a girl thinking she can't have sex because she's not endowed like Pamela Anderson when in reality small, pert and thrilled-to-be-fondled breasts are infinitely preferable to a pair of prefabricated orbs that always face north. It's not the proportions, it's what you do with it, angel, so start practising without further ado, and if you need any practical training, just drop me a line.

What is the best way to chuck someone? My boyfriend is getting more and more keen on me and more and more on my nerves. I keep gearing myself up to do the deed but when it comes to it, it seems too cruel - either because we've had a lovely evening, or because he's under pressure at work, or because we've got something planned. The longer I leave it, the worse it gets.

Linda, Basingstoke

Uncle Ony: To choose independence rather than inter-dependence, Linda, is to choose your story, your "specialness" and the "luggage" of your past rather than happiness and freedom through commitment. The reason you are finding it so difficult to "chuck" - as you so revealingly put it - your boyfriend is that your higher mind understands that to treat your partner as disposable waste will lead to deadness and decay rather than growth.

Auntie Ag: Darling, there is no best way to chuck someone. It's always ghastly. If you really want to reduce his pain and humiliation, make yourself look as unattractive, self-indulgent and conceited as possible so he can freely slag you off to all his friends, and genuinely feel he's better off without you. Wait till you've had a romantic evening, he's under pressure and you've got something fabulous planned together for the next night. Turn up a snivelling ugly wreck, possibly picking your nose and say that, although your relationship has been almost perfect, you feel you're so absolutely perfect yourself that you want something better - possibly at film star level - but you'd like to be his friend. That should do the trick, angel.

I have been married for several years and find myself fantasising more and more about sleeping with a woman. I don't think I'm a lesbian - I think I just want to do it because it's naughty - but what happens if I find out I am one?

Isabella, Marlborough

Uncle Ony: I'm extremely interested in this issue, Isabella. If you could describe your fantasies in detail I am sure I will be able to help you.

Auntie Ag: The problem with going to bed with another woman, darling, is that one's husband never likes it. Men can make the most frightful fuss, and if they don't object you can bet your bottom they'll want to join in with a video camera (talking of which, whatever you do, don't send fantasies to Ony - the last thing we want to do is feed his two-girls- in-a-bed fetish). As a sort of interim phase, to satisfy the naughtiness urge, can I suggest the following: get out some lesbian porn videos and watch them while your husband's in the garden; write out your fantasies in novella form and send it under an assumed name to Mills and Boon; or spend a morning making eyes at ladies in department stores.