auntie ag and uncle ony

A Matter Of Taste:

I was recently talking to some male friends of mine who all agreed that men prefer small breasts to large breasts and really only like large breasts to enthuse over in magazines or on Baywatch but actually like small breasts to sleep with. I find this profoundly depressing since my own breasts are quite large. Is it true?

Bethan, Harwich

UNCLE ONY: It is not the size of a pair of breasts which is the issue Bethan, but the shape, contour, texture, and density. Breasts can be small yet flaccid, large yet pert, pendulous yet rising, round yet pointy, wide yet thin, firm yet soft, middle-sized yet bouncing, tiny yet strangely insistent, hard yet glistening, buoyant yet pliant, vast yet quivering, thrusting yet... (Uncle Ony will be taking a few weeks rest in the Center for Interpersonal Vision Realignment, Syracuse, USA.)

AUNTIE AG: Don't be silly, darling. As Tolstoy said, "There are as many kinds of love as there are heads", and precisely the same goes for breast preference.

NOT OVER 'TIL IT'S OVER

I've had a huge crush on a man at work for about three months. Last night he finally asked me out for a drink. I was so nervous and over-excited that I got completely plastered. I asked him back for a coffee and then I'm afraid to say I just sort of threw myself at him. The worst of it was he was really sweet and gentlemanly about it, and just said he didn't think it was a very good idea as we worked together, then put me to bed and left. I feel completely hungover and humiliated and, worst of all, heartbroken that I had my chance with the man I love and then completely blew it. I don't know what to do when I see him again in the office. Should I apologise?

Tania, Brixton

AUNTIE AG: Drink, darling, is the urine of Satan. But don't worry - it's happened to the best of us, including him, most likely. If he's got an ounce of sensitivity he'll know you had a crush, were nervous, and that the whole business was all a bit highly charged, and will understand. If he wasn't interested in the first place it won't have altered anything and if he was, nothing is irredeemable and you can make damn sure he is again soon. Don't apologise, or dwell on it. Just give him a cheeky grin, roll your eyes and say "oops" or something and carry on flirting. As the Baroness said to Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music: "There's nothing so attractive to a man as a woman who is in love with him".

PULLING THE WOOL

My husband and I live in the country. He works in the City and commutes every day. We already keep horses and ducks which is quite hard work for me because of course it is me who has to feed and muck out the bloody things while he sits in the office and goes out to nice lunches, fantasises and shows off about the rural idyll and being a gentleman farmer and occasionally gives them a carrot in the morning. Three nights ago he came home and announced that he wanted to keep three sheep. Despite my giving him a book called, So You Want to Keep Sheep? which details all the revolting effort the horrible creatures will require - worming, dipping and all manner of hideous insects which lodge in their fur - he still maintains they will be no effort and says keeping sheep is all he's ever dreamed of. Of course it won't be any bloody effort for him; it's me who'll be spending all her days worming. We're at a total impasse about it, and just row every night.

Fiona, Gloucestershire

AUNTIE AG: Ugh, how frightful, but you must calm down. There's no question of you having to keep sheep but the key phrase you must work with here is, "all he has dreamed of all his life". Don't mention the sheep for a couple of days then ask him sweetly, understandingly, if there is one particular sheep he has been dreaming about, even - perhaps - fantasising about? Whether the sheep has a name, what it is particularly that first attracted him to the sheep, if he can remember the first moment he met the sheep and whether he has ever bought the sheep any trinkets or gifts? Explain that you understand sheep attachments can be quite common in men of his age, and suggest that you might pay a couple of visits to a petting zoo, which should help him work through his feelings before committing himself to a decision. That should rather take the edge of his gentleman farmer fantasies.

BOSSY BOOTS

Last week I wrote to you about my concern over my wife's swearing and my fear of taking her to sit at the chairman's table at our company awards ceremony. As you predicted, our chairman did seem to be quite enraptured with her and the more outrageous she was the more he seemed to like it. On the way home my wife confided laughingly that the chairman had kept putting his hand on her knee and said that he had always thought I was "a boring little tyke" until he met her. Today I received a message from the chairman's secretary inviting us to spend the weekend in Gleneagles with him and his wife. Is he trying to start an affair with my wife? And if he is so keen on her behaviour how should I behave? Should I get drunk and start swearing as well?

Alan, Winchester

AUNTIE AG: For God's sakes DON'T GO. It's the creepiest invitation in the entire world. Never, never get into cosy socialising foursomes with your boss: it's always a control thing and it's amazing how relentlessly today's flavour of the month turns into tomorrow's sackee. Just make a simple excuse - and drop the virtue squad act over your wife's swearing and lighten up.