auntie ag

WORDS APART

This is pathetic, but I'm 17 and in love with a girl my age who moved near me recently. I fell for her the first time I saw her, but I'm a crap talker, so I wrote her a letter. She wrote back saying she wanted to meet me and we got together and chatted. It was going well - she's really nice - until she asked if I'd go out with her and her friends and that I could bring my mates. I said that was fine, got her number (stupidly, I didn't give her mine) and... I never rang her. I lost my nerve and felt so silly. My friends are teetotal and as dull as me, and I was afraid that none of us would get along, and that I'd have to watch her and her friends getting drunk and stupid, which I'd hate. I've seen her since, but for some reason I couldn't speak to her. I think she still wants to know me. I still think she's lovely.

Danny, Belfast

AUNTIE AG: Oh, darling, what a shame. I'm sure she does still want to know you, but she is probably a bit confused about what's going on. Men who don't phone when they take your number often do so through sheer bloody- mindedness, angel, and although I can understand it just this once, don't make a habit of it. I think you now have to be brave about this and call her, but suggest a good old-fashioned date with just the two of you. Then, relax, don't expect too much of the evening, go along and have a good time. Remember, you've got on well once and you can do it again. (And don't be too judgemental about drinkers, angel, drinking doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk and the odd glass of champagne never did anyone any harm.)

STRUCK BY LIGHTING

I recently splurged a lot of money on some lovely lampshades from a very famous London store. They are fantastic and have transformed my living room, but they really were incredibly expensive (pounds 130 each). I now feel a bit ashamed of such blatant consumerism; a lot of my friends are pretty right-on and will be horrified at the amount of money I've wasted.

Becky, Brixton

AUNTIE AG: What kind of an age are we living in when people feel they have to be ashamed of their lampshades, for heaven's sake? There is absolutely nothing wrong with nice soft furnishings; after all, you worked hard for the money and it was yours to spend as you liked. I'm sure your real friends will be happy for you in your new elegant-lighting heaven, and as for the rest, darling, tell them you picked the lampshades up second-hand for a song, or found them in a skip or something.

CHILD'S PAY

The other day my husband took me to the races and, being short of cash, I grabbed the child benefit and took that along to bet with. (Of course, I was intending to replace it at some point.) Amazingly, I won pounds 135, but now my daughter, who is nine, is claiming that the money is rightfully hers! She says she is planning to spend it on an entire set of Spice Girls stickers and an album to keep them in, a Spice Girls T-shirt, CDs and whatever other Spice Girls stuff she can lay her hands on.

Josette, Bridport

AUNTIE AG: Well, angel, she does have some right on her side, to be honest. After all, you had the fun of winning the money and a lovely day out, but it's still the child benefit (albeit grossly swollen). But I can quite understand that you don't want to hand the winnings over and see them fly out of the door on pounds 135-worth of vile Spice Girl nonsense. I think you should spend the usual amount of benefit money on whatever you would normally spend it on, and keep the rest in a nice savings account for your daughter until she is 21 and has recognised what's worth buying and what isn't (choose a high-interest account, darling, she will have enough for some lovely little bijou and will thank you for it one day).

BUILDER BUM

I came home last week and found the builder I've taken on to landscape my garden sitting at his ease in my kitchen, drinking my coffee and smoking a joint! I had been wondering why the work had been progressing so slowly. He very graciously invited me in and offered me a coffee, too, but I don't really think this is satisfactory.

Chloe, Wrexham

AUNTIE AG: Cheeky thing! I'm sorry, angel, but you must get rid of him. We are coming onto the most crucial time of year for lounging in the sun drinking chilled champagne and chatting with friends, and you simply cannot do that in the midst of a building site. You'll just have to negotiate a figure for the work he's done and give him his marching orders.

PHYSICAL JERK

I've been going to the gym now for four whole years and no-one has tried to pick me up yet.

Peter, Leicester

AUNTIE AG: Perhaps all those muscles have made you look a bit heavy, angel. But, joking aside, people, and most especially women, do not go to the gym to be picked up. They go to get all wonderfully fit and toned, so that they will look gorgeous when they are being picked up in other, nicer places. Few people look at their best all red-faced and sweaty. Honestly, darling, if it's pick-ups you're after, the gym is a non-starter. You'd do better in a nice wine bar, or the office, or going round the supermarket, or almost anywhere, really.