Are you a pooper or a trouper?

CHRISTMAS simply isn't as fashionable as it used to be. With humbug councils planning to change the name to Winterval and sales of presents plummeting are we turning into a nation of miserable curmudgeons? Find out in the Real Life Christmas Quiz.

This isn't one of those flibbertigibbet "just a bit of fun" quizzes. No no. Real Life has been working for months in close collaboration with Ho-Ho Sing, the infamous Eastern Guru recently emerged from a 10-year meditation in a cave in Tibet. Ho-Ho has worked out that your attitude to Christmas is closely linked to your future success. Thus we and he have compiled an exclusive magic number pattern which identifies your life path to an amazing degree of accuracy.

Just answer the following questions. They are in two parts; knowledge and attitude. Remember, the right answer is not necessarily the best one. As Ho-Ho himself says, "at Christmas the innocent heart is better than the brilliant mind which is why I'm doing my Christmas shopping at Dream Toys plc."

SECTION ONE

Knowledge

1. How old is Aled Jones?

1) 27

2) 36

3) 12

2. Which has more calories?

1) a mince pie

2) a slice of Christmas pudding

3) who cares as long as I get plenty of both?

3. What is Cleft?

1) A demi-octave chord shift, commonly found in carols

2) The turkey wishbone

3) An anal deodorant

4. Who or what is Balder?

1) Nordic God who was killed by Mistletoe

2) Hair removal cream

3) A hairless elf who is said to be the reason Father Christmas himself is so hirsute

5. Which of the gospels tell the Christmas story?

1) Matthew and Luke

2) John and Luke

3) George and Michael

6) Why does "Silent Night" sound so feeble?

1) Because it is evoking the dumbstruck joy of Baby Jesus's arrival in the world

2) Because the writer, Brother Andrew, was in a silent order

3) Because in the church where it was first played the organ was broken

ANSWERS - SECTION ONE

1. Aled: 1) Technically correct, 1pt: 2) Just how late do you think the poor boy's voice broke? 0pts. 3) Aah - the real Aled is still the cherub on the record sleeve, isn't he? You prove the time travel is possible, 2pts.

2. Calories: 1) plain ignorant, 0pts. 2) correct but why do you know, pooper? 1pt. 3) exactly - pass the brandy butter 2pts.

3. Cleft: 1) wrong, stop trying to be clever, 0pts. 2) wrong, but nice idea, 1pt. 3) Right. Available via the internet, Cleft claims to be "keeping America's butt crack dry". However nothing to do with Christmas, 0pts.

4. Balder: 1) Right and that's the reason Mistletoe has to be hung high out of harm's way, 2pts. 2) Hmmm 0pts. 3) Well it's kind of mythic, I suppose 1pt.

5. Gospels: 1) Well done! It's so nice to find someone who isn't living in vacant godless capitalism, 2pts. 2) You just guessed didn't you? 0pts. 3) No but he did write 'Last Christmas' which has pretty good values, 1pt.

6. Silent Night: 1) Wrong but metaphysically right, 1pt. 2) Wrong. Get thee to a monastery, 0pts. 3) Right the organ was broken and then, as now, unaccompanied church congregations raised a pitifully poor decibel level. 2pts.

Now add up if you got mainly 0s 1s or 2s. If it's a tie choose the highest number.

SECTION ONE

Attitudinal

1. Which is your favourite of the following Christmas hits?

1) "White Christmas" - Bing Crosby (2pts)

2) "Merry Xmas Everybody" - Slade (1pt)

3) "Do they know it's Christmas" - Band Aid (0pt)

2. What is your favourite Christmas picture?

1) Your naked buttocks on the office photocopier (1pt)

2) The year you spent Christmas in the Caribbean (0pts)

3) Playing charades with your family (2pts)

3. Who did you play in the Nativity play at school?

1) Joseph/Mary (2pt)

2) 3rd Shepherd (1pt)

3) You can't remember (0pts)

4. You have a fuchsia paper hat to wear for Christmas dinner. What do you do?

1) "Accidentally" rip it - they're so uncomfortable (0pt)

2) Put it on for the photos but don't notice when it falls off (1pt)

3) Pull it over your ears, cos it makes you look so cute (2pts)

Again tot up and see which is your most common answer.

RESULTS

Take the two numbers and find yourself, spiritually and emotionally in the list below.

i) Two 2s: Your middle name is Rudolph. You are full of jollity and cheer. But you are strangely unpopular. Even Cliff would find you annoying round his festive table.

ii) A 2 and a 1: You appear to be normal but actually your future hopes are like the Christmas turkey - stuffed. This is because you are afraid to commit wholeheartedly to anything. Don't you realise the world likes strong people? Say what you think or all will be lost. Tell your mother she needn't save the Christmas Tree decorating for you anymore; she can take it.

iii) A 2 and a 0: Split personality, that's you, and dangerous. You have learnt your views are unacceptable - you don't tell people that you always had sympathy for Herod anymore, do you? And yet you want to join in the Christmas fun. Don't go drunk to midnight mass again.

iv) Two 1s: You really are boring aren't you? The one who, when the charades start, says, "I'll just go out and make some tea". You're a martyr but only for your own benefit. Yeuch.

v) A 1 and a 0: You want to break away from the tradition of Christmas but you haven't got the guts or imagination. This is reflected in the rest of your life and always will be. You will love the Millennium Dome.

vi) Two 0s: Talk about Nihilist. In some ways I admire you, slamming the door at carol singers, throwing eggs at the Rotary Club Father Christmases, but remember what happened to Scrooge. Expect ghostly visitors.

Ho-Ho Sing appears courtesy of Dream Toys - "Putting the Happy back into Christmas".