Like Anna Faris, many of us ‘ignore’ relationship problems – can we break the cycle?

Hollywood’s Anna Faris has admitted something we can probably all relate to: ignoring problems in relationships. On her Unqualified podcast this week during a chat with Rachel Bilson, The House Bunny and Friends actress Faris said: “For me, I think after every breakup, at some point I realise that there were a lot of things I ignored that I really shouldn’t have.”

The 44-year-old was reflecting on the ending of her second marriage to Chris Platt (the couple wed in 2009, splitting eight years later and divorcing in 2018). Their split was amicable and Faris and Platt share an eight-year-old son.

Of course, relationships are complex and nuanced and what works for one couple may be very different from what works for another – but that tendency to ‘ignore problems’ is no doubt a common one. Why do we do it? And how can we break the pattern?

As Dr Jacqui Gabb, professor of sociology and intimacy at The Open University and chief relationship officer for the Paired couples’ app (getpaired.com), notes, “There is no relationship education for adults.” We are all learning as we go, and relationships take work.

Raising issues doesn’t have to mean conflict“One of the reasons [we ignore problems in relationships] is most of us are conflict-avoidant at some level,” says Gabb. “We will try and avoid the elephant in the room and avoid issues, rather than thinking, ‘OK, if we engage in constructive ways, that will be a way of dissipating that issue or addressing it in a more concerted way’.”

It can be helpful to reframe our approach, so we don’t automatically resort to conflict-style exchanges, or associate airing issues of speaking up with conflict. “It doesn’t mean we’ve got a fundamental problem,” says Gabb, “it just means we need to realise that actually talking through something isn’t about responding to or initiating conflict, it’s about constructive dialogue.”

When we find ourselves going into accusation mode, Gabb suggests flipping things around so instead we’re communicating how we feel about something specific. “Own that it’s you launching into something with an ‘I feel’ statement, as opposed to ‘you’re always doing this’. This isn’t saying it’s always you that’s the problem, but most issues in relationships are the sum of two parts. They’re not one person. Obviously leaving aside abuse and damaging relationships.”

On the flipside, we don’t have to talk about everything, adds Gabb. “In the ‘Enduring Love’ study we did of long-term relationships, we had quite a lot of couples saying actually they don’t want to talk about everything and it’s fine to let some sleeping dogs lie, because it’s not an issue. It’s about being attuned to how you’re feeling and how your partner is feeling, and the dynamics of the relationship, and thinking, ‘Do we need to poke this one, or is it OK to think actually, it’s not really a big deal’?”

Can we feel ‘safer’ in arguments?

The idea of ‘never going to sleep on an argument’ may not always apply either. Feeling we ‘must’ resolve arguments or issues immediately and feeling utterly destabilised by them may not be healthy.

“Learn to live with that discomfort, don’t shy away from it. It doesn’t mean you have to keep poking it until you find a resolution; it might be that you say, ‘Shall we just leave that one for the moment, think and come back to it?’ Sometimes you need to make safe an argument and leave it for another day,” says Gabb. “To actually say, ‘Look, I know this is really painful, I’m upset and you’re upset – can we just know we’re in it together, we love each other, we’re both committed to this relationship’ – and then come back to this topic in the cool light of day.”

Couples might have different communication styles too, or process things at a different pace – can you allow space for this and find ways to work together? “It’s about doing the homework, learning about different styles of communication and learning how you can bridge that gap if there is a difference or disparity, and being attentive to both what you and your partner need. Find a ‘couple communication’ that works for the two of you. For some couples, that may involve less words, more gestures, it may involve physical touch – a hug can speak a thousand words,” says Gabb.

Fear of looking ‘needy’Ever found yourself saying you don’t want to look ‘needy’? So, instead of asking that burning question, saying something doesn’t work for you or communicating what you want, you let it fester or bury it instead. This is another biggie when it comes to avoiding problems in relationships.

“I think ‘needy’ gets a really bad rep, it has a very negative connotation – nobody wants to be needy,” says Katharina Wolf, integrative counsellor (MBACP). The truth is, everybody has needs, and everybody’s needs are important. Really, it’s about clarifying what ‘having needs’ means, and working through any barriers we might have on a personal level when it comes to being comfortable with them.

“When I talk to my clients about this, there’s a massive difference between texting somebody every five minutes and making sure they’re calling you 10 times a day – because then we’re going into some really unhealthy behaviour,” says Wolf.

“But if someone is needy, all they want is their needs met, and there is literally nothing wrong with that. Especially if you’re talking about a relationship where you’re building your future together – it’s not going to be sustainable if you’re not having your needs met.”

Needs and vulnerability go hand-in-handMany of us have a level of discomfort around vulnerability – and that’s often very understandable and doesn’t mean we must expose all our rawest wounds and fears constantly. When it comes to relationships though, vulnerability often goes hand-in-hand with learning to express and honour our needs, as well as giving space for the needs of others.

Wolf says “fear of being vulnerable” feeds into lots of her work with clients. “To admit your needs does make you vulnerable, because you never really know if it’s going to be given to you – there is a fear of rejection. And it doesn’t only happen in partnerships, it also happens in friendships – people are afraid to be ‘too much’.”

Healthy relationships require healthy individualsOn paper, this stuff can all sound like common sense. But common sense can go out the window once we’re in a relationship, notes Gabb: “What we do is get triggered by emotions, often deep-seated emotions that come from patterns in childhood.”

Wolf explains that these things can stem from our early attachment experiences, or how our needs were met, or not met, by our caregivers or parents during childhood. So, working on our relationship patterns is often about working on ourselves too.