An anger management expert's guide to identifying sources of rage and how to deal with it

Everyone feels angry from time to time, so it might seem unbelievable that the vast majority of the people who seek for their uncontrollable boughts wait until their lives have “crashed and burned”, according to a leader in the field.

That’s because anger may seem like a solitary emotion, but it is wrapped in fear and shame, says Mike Fisher, who has been the head of the British Association of Anger Management for almost two decades, and has penned two books on the topic. While anger is the base emotion, this is offered blurred and confused with other states including aggression and depression.

“Stress feeds anxiety which feeds shame which manifests in outbursts of anger but also depression,” says Fisher.

“For most individuals who attend our programmes, their lives are in crisis. 95 per cent of them have already crashed and are burning. A lot of people are in denial. Only 5 ot 10 per cent take preventative action.”

Oftentimes, family members and loved ones collude with and accommodate anger, until it is no longer tolerable, particularly if they are keen to protect young children. A survey by the Mental Health Foundation found that 32 per cent of people in the UK had a close friend or family member who has struggled to control their anger.

Over the years, while the core causes of anger haven’t changed, having our minds constantly occupied with information certainly hasn’t helped. And if Brexit and the election of Donald Trump in the US show anything, says Fisher.

He admits that despite being in control of and in touch with his emotions, he is a Facebook addict

“I can speak for myself, I’m a complete FB addict,” he says.

“I notice I read less, spend less time just getting to chill out, and I noticed that in terms of productivity so for me it’s a distraction.

“When someone who is very disconnected and emotionally inept and who is depressed and angry and feels lost social media gives your life meaning and helps to connect in a very disconnected kind of way. My concern is that as a culture we are finding things to distract us from what’s important. For the average person the big problem is constantly distracting ourselves from our feelings.”

To combat anger Fisher has a five-fold approach.

“Stop and take a look at the big picture. When you are very angry, see beyond your own anger and look at it from a 360 degree perspective. See how other people are reacting to you. Secondly, it’s OK to have a different opinion. We are in a world where people are seen as right or wrong and anyone who doesn’t agree with your shou should shut up. When you invalidate someone’s experience that creates conflict. But we need to accept that other people have different realities. “Third, listen. Listening when angry is impossible. Fourth: use support. In the English culture we don’t reach out for support because of our stiff upper lip and we don’t say we’re suffering. We say things like OK, not bad could be better but don’t get to the nitty gritty of what we’re experiencing. Listening is fundamental with communicating especially with feelings we associate with anger. Another rule is communicating, sharing and using support. It’s fundamental that we find ways to listen to people and be authentic in what we’re thinking. Using an anger journal is also great because it helps you to not let the anger take space in your head. “I write an angry letter or email and don’t send them but I find it very cathartic.

“And finally the biggest one is don’t take anything personally. It’s easy to say that but ‘very hard to do.”

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The stigma surrounding anger can cause people to avoid seeking help, leaving loved ones to deal with the fallout. The nature of anger means that signalling to a loved one that they have an issue can be very scary indeed.

“If you find the the courage to approach a person with an anger problem, never start a conversation with ‘“you always”, “you never”, “why don’t you” or “you should”. For example, I’m sick of the fact you never listen to me. That won’t get the result you want.

Instead, start the conversation by describing how you feel. “Say, ‘I feel very sad when I don’t experience you listening to me and I find it hard to be close to you when you're not listening to me’ or ‘I want to have a conversation with you and I’m really of how you will react but it’s important for me to say this’.”

Confronting a loved one can be the first step in a complex journey to tackling anger, says Fisher,

“Anger isn’t going to go away,” he says. “You have to face it head on and come to terms with the fact you're angry, and you’ll have to do something about it sooner or later.”