Wars on ‘woke’, trans targets: Tory leadership contenders are behaving like student union revolutionaries

An annoying feature of column writing is that, sometimes, events occur at inconvenient times. You can have the best idea in the world but, if the world has moved on by the time your day of the week has come, there is nothing you can do about it.

Not too long ago, I realised I had found the perfect metaphor for Boris Johnson’s government. David Cameron had been the essay-crisis prime minister; Johnson was the 10pm master procrastinator.

For three years his government behaved like a 19-year-old with an essay due at midnight. He could be writing – should be writing – but no, hang on, he can’t possibly write with his desk by the window. The desk is the problem, he should move the desk now. Where should the desk go? Should it go by the bed? By the door? In the middle of the room? Upside down?

Or perhaps the problem is the selection of beverages on offer. He cannot possibly write with a Diet Coke in hand. He can see that now. Should the drink be a cup of tea? A coffee? Should it be hot? Cold? Should it have sugar in it? And so on, until 12.01am.

It was a government that did not know how to deal with the cost of living crisis, the slow collapse of the NHS and our increasingly unusable public services, so instead it fidgeted. It talked about big ideas that would never happen and irrelevant policies that no one cared about. It moved its desk and made absurdly elaborate caffeinated drinks.

Do you not think that would have made a good column? I was very pleased with it. I was looking forward to writing it. Then Boris Johnson stood down. Luckily for me – and in the immortal words of Theresa May – nothing has changed.

Johnson is gone but the midnight deadline and 10.37pm procrastination remain. There are about a dozen MPs currently running to replace the prime minister, and none of them really have anything interesting to say about the issues facing Britain today.

Instead, they are choosing to focus on the two Ts: taxes and transgender people. Have you been struggling to see your GP for weeks on end? Have a tax cut about it! Can’t afford to do your weekly food shopping anymore? Quick! Look! There’s a non-binary person here and they’re probably up to no good.

It has made it quite hard to differentiate between the various candidates; at this stage, Conservative members may end up having to make a choice based on their favourite hairstyle or eye colour.

As a political anorak, it has been an interesting phenomenon to witness. This is the first Conservative leadership contest to happen since 2005 in which Brexit is not the main focal point. 2016 and 2019 were years in which your status as a Brexiteer or Remainer defined your platform entirely. 2022 isn’t.

The oxygen has, to an extent, returned to Westminster, but the pandemic and constant circus of Boris Johnson’s premiership left little space for big ideas to start blooming. Whoever walks into No 10 in September will have to face some choppy waters, and it is not clear that any of them knows how to get the country back on track.

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They cannot admit this, of course, so instead they have collectively retreated into their own personal comfort zone. It is not a comparison either side would welcome, but the leadership contenders have taken on the air of student union revolutionaries. They probably cannot achieve anything of value on campus but the conflict between Israel and Palestine? That’s got to be worth writing a strongly worded motion about.

The difference, however, is that anarchist undergrads rarely end up doing much harm to the world at large. By trying to outdo each other on culture war issues, the leadership contenders are playing with the lives of real, existing people.

Harping on about “gender extremists” may be seen as worthy red meat to throw to party members, but transgender people are not a mere talking point. It isn’t even good politics, as polls keep showing us that the public does not care about gender nearly as much as Westminster seemingly does.

Then again, perhaps that is the point: the people these candidates are trying to distract are themselves, not anyone else. The deadline is approaching fast and they know, deep down, that there isn’t much substance for them to focus on.