Older women have quite simple fashion needs – what a shame so few designers actually care

There have been numerous articles about stylish older women in the newspapers recently.

Apparently, just because you’re over 50 doesn’t mean to say you should give up on fashion. Fair enough. While most of us don’t want to give up on fashion post 50, the reality is that fashion mostly gives up on us. Unless of course you are heading into your middle and beyond years with a limitless credit card, weighing the same as you did when you were 30.

Rich, thin women can afford to be stylish. Most of us who are neither tend to resort to comfortable and/or colourful – a situation that occasionally leads to what I call “dressing like a giant toddler”, in primary-coloured dungarees and contrasting tights. I’m occasionally guilty of this look myself and have to do a quick edit before I leave the house. Maybe I don’t need the stripes and the spots?

Of course, I know people of a certain age who are average-sized and stylish, but they don’t tend to be the ones appearing in magazine articles. They’re not sitting on the front row with the fashionistas during London Fashion Week; they just so happen to be great at putting the right things together, regardless of how much their clobber costs.

I wish we could see more of these women in the press. Yes, obviously I’m impressed by how great Jennifer Anniston looks at 53, but now and again it would be cheering to see normal women in their fifties and sixties who are still knocking it out of the style park, despite being bigger than a size 10 and on a limited budget.

Style doesn’t need to cost, these articles insist, while featuring a jacket costing £300. “Buy good-quality classics”, the gurus repeat, “they’ll last forever”, ahem, unless it’s cashmere in which case the moths will have a field day.

In the past, I’ve spent big money of a few good items. Some of these are stashed away in a special designer label treasure trove – what a shame I can’t fit my meaty arms into any of it. Fortunately, I have a thirty-something daughter who will occasionally raid this stash but let’s face it, no one’s had much need for a Jean Paul Gaultier body stocking until very recently.

I have always been a wannabe when it comes to style. Some are born with it – there were even girls at my school who managed to rock the uniform better than everyone else. Considering it consisted of a brown crimplene skirt and beige/cream striped nylon blouse, this was no mean feat. Mind you, it didn’t really matter how good they looked, everyone had BO, thanks to the high percentage of man-made fibres.

As a younger, thinner woman, I was occasionally considered stylish because I wore red lipstick, leather shorts and a great deal of costume jewellery. Nowadays, never mind being too lazy to wear trousers with zips, rather than an elasticated waist, I can’t really be bothered with accessories and on the days when I do make an effort I find that I leave small piles of rings and bracelets around the house. Meanwhile, the truly stylish wear 46 bangles and don’t take them off to type.

Finding your “older woman” style mojo post-pandemic is quite hard work. Happily, there is a reliable standby uniform for the middle-aged woman, usually involving some kind of bum camouflaging trouser and a jaunty Breton top. I’ve got at least eight in my stripey top drawer. In my opinion, there’s something joyful about a touch of the nautical and, judging by the ladies at my stand-up shows, I’m not alone. As I say on stage: “Sometimes looking out at my audience is like looking out at a marvellously busty menopausal Where’s Wally convention.”

Lack of suitable choice is something I frequently struggle with, but fortunately the internet is increasingly providing alternative pickings for women of a certain age, particularly as, these days, M&S is consigned to knickers only.

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Our needs are quite simple: most of us are after affordable, well cut (ie wide), machine washable, fashionable items, though preferably without the huge spaniel’s ears collars that are doing the rounds right now. Generous sizing also helps – there is nothing more dispiriting than ordering a load of stuff from a well-known high street brand, only to discover that a size 14 is considered an extra-large.

These days I’m spending more money on small online businesses that understand what they are doing and are catering for a market they not only know but seem to have some affection for.

This is what is missing from many upmarket designer labels, a genuine fondness for our age group, the sizes most of us are, the lifestyles we lead and the depths of our pockets (by the way, we love pockets). Deep down, I think some of them despise us.

Ultimately, I’ve decided, if you don’t like me and you don’t respect me, I’m not buying your stuff (even if I could afford it). Now excuse me while I wash soup out of my best Breton.